


Right Where We Are.

by MamaCake



Series: Loved Up [4]
Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Family Feels, Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, Love, M/M, Major Illness, Sad, Sad and Happy, Wedding Fluff, Weddings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2020-02-05
Packaged: 2020-05-19 11:23:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 45,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19356055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MamaCake/pseuds/MamaCake
Summary: Take me into your loving arms,Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars,Place your head on my beating heart,I'm thinking out loud,Maybe we found love right where we are.It's wedding time! Now that everyone is reunited on the Lost Light surely this only means happy times ahead, but Drift and Ratchet find out the hard way that life has a nasty habit of throwing you a curve ball.**on hiatus**





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So without giving too much away, yes I am going to tackle the canon arc that Ratchet's frame starts to fail him, because that's already started to happen with his hands. What I will say is that I'm not going the same direction as canon because I want them to be happy but that doesn't mean it's going to be an easy ride along the way. This will definitely be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster so hold on tight.
> 
> Sorry it's taken so long to put up! I'm kind of worried about how this will be recieved but hey let's give it a go 😊 I'm always happy for feedback.

“Bons, seriously.” 

Rodimus huffed as the cyberdog paced by the door for the fourth time since Drift had left. He'd insisted he wouldn't be long but apparently his adopted companion thought he'd been too long, and Rodimus was getting irritated by her low whines and paws padding against the floor. 

“Bonnie,” his tone was sharp, “here.” 

She turned back to him, her ears flattened against her head and obeyed the command. As soon as he'd said it, he regretted it and pushed his chair back, letting her come rest her large head into his lap. He stroked her muzzle softly and dropped his tone.

“I know girl, I'm sorry. I guess I was the same when he left me too.” He laughed lightly, “he's easy to miss right?”

She whined low and long, Rodimus still fussing her. They both started when the door opened but it was Thunderclash, standing still in that way he usually did when he made his way into the captain's office and it was occupied. 

“Oh, sorry.” 

But the dog had perked up at the sight of the mech that gave amazing head pats on the account of his large hands and soft nature. He crouched down so she didn't feel threatened but she was already hurrying over to him, nudging at his hands with her nose. Rodimus rolled his optics with a smile, even the animals of the galaxy loved him. 

“‘Sup Thunders?” 

“Minimus asked me to chase up the reports you owe him seeing as I didn't have anything to do.” Thunderclash was smiling as he fussed Bonnie, “I think he wanted me off the bridge.” 

“Lemme guess, Megs was there? Heh. Of course. I didn't even have any reports to hand in for him.” 

“No? So why you in here?” 

“Me and Drift were wedding planning, of course, what else do I do with my life these days?” 

“Well you and me-” 

“Shush! Don't let Bons hear you say that!” 

Thunderclash straightened to his full height, Rodimus side eyeing him as he rustled through his desk for something for Bonnie, trying not to be obvious that he was admiring his partner. He found a stress ball at the back of one of his drawers and threw it to Thunderclash who caught it effortlessly. 

“You treat her like she's a baby.” 

“She is?! She's like my… um… well, she is a baby, she's Drift's baby and therefore when she's in my care, I treat her as if she were my own.”

He put his feet back up onto his desk and stretched out his arms with a yawn. Thunderclash threw the ball against the wall and Bonnie jumped to catch it as it bounced back towards her. She wagged her tail and brought it back carefully, but made a show of letting go of the toy, growling and making Thunderclash tug it away from her.

“So where is Drift?” 

"Said he had to go check something but he'd be back." 

Thunderclash threw the ball a few more times for Bonnie, but she quickly lost interest, going back to tilting her helm at the door and whining. Rodimus sighed and checked his chronometer again, realising that Drift had been gone a little while now and it wasn't like him to leave Bonnie anywhere if he could help it. 

Rodimus whistled to catch her attention, and she turned back to him. 

“Bons, walkies?” 

She barked in response and tried to paw the keypad to get out of the room and Rodimus laughed as he stretched out his hand for Thunderclash. 

“She's so clever.” 

He let her out and she went sniffing off along the corridors, stopping every so often to make sure that her keepers were behind. 

“So,” Thunderclash cleared his intake, “have you got time in your busy wedding planning schedule later on for your… dashing partner?” 

“Pfft.” Rodimus bumped him, “Drift is busy, but maybe I've got time for you Thunders.” 

Thunderclash took it good heartedly and smiled in response, watching as Bonnie suddenly went still. The two mechs caught up with her and Rodimus crouched low to her, putting a hand onto her back to feel her quivering. 

“Bons? What's the matter?” 

And then she was gone, tearing off through the ship barking and growling lowly in her throat. Rodimus blinked then noticed Thunderclash going past him, which finally made him move. He was lighter in his root mode and passed him again quickly, shouting back. 

“I'll comms you when I find her.” 

Rodimus found himself struggling to keep up with the agile animal as she managed to dive between gaps that he had to squeeze through and apologise about, venting hard with the exertion but continuing after her. If Rodimus lost her he didn't want to know what Drift would do to him, but he was sure he'd see a little bit of what made him one of the most feared Decepticons back when.

His frame was starting to complain, it had been a long time since Rodimus had done anything so strenuous in root mode and knew he should probably take up some sparring sessions with Whirl or Cyclonus like they were offering these days, but he'd been so happy and busy since Drift and Ratchet had returned he hadn't had a chance. No, he'd definitely remedy that. 

Bonnie skidded around a corner, finally quiet and Rodimus went to shout when he realised where they were. 

Right at the end was the medbay. 

He felt a shiver down his back strut as he came up on the door, Bonnie batting at the keypad agitatedly and when she saw Rodimus she barked once at him. 

“Yeah, yeah, I'm here, but next time tell me okay? You can't just run off.” 

Rodimus leaned against the doorframe trying to still his venting from exertion and nerves, and knocked briefly. He sent Thunderclash a quick comms ping too.

_ -Took me 2 medbay. Dunno y. Let u kno when I can.- _

As Velocity opened the door, Rodimus felt his tanks twist at the sight of her expression. Whatever this was, it was bad. 

Bonnie barged her way through, adamant that she needed to be there and Rodimus felt his spark clench. If she was frantic, it could only mean that one of two mechs were in there. 

“Rodimus I… maybe it's best you come in.” 

He nodded mutely and let her lead him in, standing awkwardly in the doorway as she disappeared. He noticed part of the medbay was sectioned off and he prayed to anyone who cared enough to listen, that whatever it was, it wasn't going to be as bad as he thought. 

Drift came out from behind the curtain and Rodimus nearly collapsed in relief, but then his spark clenched again. It was Ratchet. It had to be.

“Drift,” Rodimus stepped forward, “what's-” 

But his amica buried his face into his shoulder and clung on tightly, Rodimus pulling him in close and ex-venting hard.

“I found him, again Roddy, he was… he was offlined on the floor of his old hab suite. When he didn't reply to my comms I thought I better make sure he wasn't working hard, and when I didn't find him here or in our habsuite I wasn't sure where to check and then I remembered he said he wanted to go get some old datapads… First Aid said he's trying to find out what's wrong,” Drift's vocals hitched, “m'scared.” 

“It's okay buddy, I've got you. Whatever this is, we'll figure something out okay?” 

Drift nodded into his shoulder, seeming more able to pull himself together after spilling everything out. When he pulled his gaze back up, Rodimus sighed and brushed the tears away that had gathered in the corners of his optics.

“Also, I promise I didn't  _ almost _ lose your dog.”

Drift smiled sadly, “she knew, I don't know how but she did.” 

“Yeah, you're telling the one who ran halfway across the Lost Light to catch her.” 

“That's scrap and you know it, when was the last time you walked any further than the bridge or Swerve's?” 

“I ran! Honestly! You ask Bons, she'll tell you.” He sobered again, “how is he?” 

Drift led Rodimus through the curtain to where Ratchet was laid up in one of the medical berths, First Aid too busy fussing with a scanner to scold Bonnie for laying over her other owner's legs. Ratchet onlined his optics dimly at the noise then offlined them again, patting Bonnie softly. 

“She take you for a walk, Rodimus?” 

“A run more like, just to see your aft. She must love you.” Rodimus folded his arms over his chest, “anything you need?” 

“Everyone to stop fussing.” 

His tone was gruff in the way he was with those who he actually cared for, but his vocals were soft, weary with whatever it was plaguing him. Drift shifted beside Rodimus. The captain caught his hand and squeezed it tightly in silent reassurance. 

“Well tough, it's just because we care alright?” 

Rodimus wanted to stick his glossa out too but even he felt that might be childish for the severity of the situation.

First Aid stepped back with a sigh and shook his helm. When he spoke, the tone of his vocals spelt that he meant business.

“We need to talk, Ratchet.” 

“Anything you wanna say Aid, you can say it here.” 

First Aid looked between his patient who was still patting the dog with his gaze offlined and the other two mechs waiting, Drift buzzing with nervous energy. 

“This is serious."

“What is it?” Drift squeezed Rodimus’ hand tighter, “is he going to be okay?!”

“...In non-medical terms, his spark isn't looking so bright, Pharma coined it  _ age related burnout _ . Your frame starts to deteriorate, as evident by the fact Ratchet has already had to replace his hands. We've caught it early but, it's not… curable. Ratchet needs to fuel more often, as he'll be using more energon to function and he needs to recharge longer. It's not a sudden death sentence, but it can be if you don't look after yourself.” First Aid paused, “but he already knew, didn't you?” 

Ratchet felt all of the looks he was being given and he sighed to himself. He didn't want to do this, he didn't want to admit it out loud. 

“You did?” 

Drift's voice was steely and he snapped his gaze online, straight at his conjunx. 

“Drift-”

“You knew?” He didn't let up, his optics narrowed, “you knew you were working yourself to death and still,  _ still _ you carried on?” 

“I didn't exactly have much reason to want to carry on pass my natural end, not until…” Ratchet sighed, “that's why I agreed to go on a holiday with you, hoping maybe it would do me some good.” 

“It's not reversible, you should know that.” First Aid scolded. 

Drift had dropped his gaze to the floor and Rodimus could feel the fury and hurt radiating off him. He wasn't sure what to do or say so he just stood beside him, letting him know he was there. 

“We spent all of that time together, just the two of us, and you didn't think to mention once,” Drift's words were low and dangerous, “ _ once _ that you were heading towards death?”

“Oh c'mon, we're all-” 

“You've used that  _ fragging _ machine of yours too haven't you? To tell you how much time you have left?” 

“Not recently.” Ratchet admitted quietly. 

“You knew and…” 

Drift sighed heavily, offlining his optics. 

“I need to go.” 

Rodimus tried to hold onto him but Drift ripped away, and he knew it was better to let him go vent his frustrations. He sighed too and turned back to where Ratchet had his optics set onto the dog that was peering up at him carefully. 

“You should have told him.” 

“I know.” 

“Was pretty shitty of you.” 

_ “I know.” _

Rodimus left with instructions to First Aid if there was anything that might help to let him know, and wandered down around the ship in search of his friend. When he finally found him, he was in the observation deck swinging his swords around angrily, having scared off anyone else that was in there. 

“Drift.”

But the white mech didn't look up, he carried on, his face twisted into anger. 

“I know-” 

“Feeling just a little bit betrayed right now, Rodimus thanks.” 

“I know you're angry at him, but he was doing what he thought was best in his stubborn processor. He tries to protect you from all the bad stuff, you know that.” 

“It wouldn't hurt him to just talk to me you know? Just! Argh!” 

Drift threw one of his swords across the room with an angry snarl, letting it lodge into the back of a chair. Rodimus didn't even flinch, he was used to his friend and his ways. 

“I know.” He rubbed at his face, “I guess it's hard when all of your life has been laid bare huh?” 

“I'm so angry at him, and you know what? Even Bonnie, she knew, she must have, the more I think about it. She came to him first, like she knew he wasn't as strong as me, and she came running to the medbay when she knew something was wrong.” 

“She's a good girl, she cares.” 

“Yeah but Ratchet should have said something to me, instead he let me find out from First Aid.” He went to retrieve his sword, “jerk.”

“Well, someone is here to say sorry.” 

When the white mech turned, sheathing his weapons, he saw his dog in the doorway, crouched low and ears flattened like she knew she was in trouble. The sight of her filled with anxiety broke Drift and he relented, dropping to his knee and holding out a hand.

“Bonnie, come here girl, it's okay.” 

She slowly came forward, using her back leg to limp forward and pressed her head against Drift's hand as if she was apologising. He sighed and cupped her face so she'd look up at him. 

“It's okay, I'm sorry, it's Ratty I'm mad at not you, you're only doing what you think is right.” 

She tentatively licked at his hand and when he laughed slightly, she pushed herself further into him. He embraced her around her neck and sighed.

“What are we going to do with him?” 

“Well if there's a queue to give that old fragger a piece of our minds, I wanna be first.” Rodimus grinned, “all the scrap he's given me.” 

“You deserved it most of the time.” 

“Hey!” 

Bonnie barked and wriggled out from Drift's grasp, trying to lead him to the door. Rodimus folded his arms across his chest and tilted his helm in her direction. 

“She’s right, you need to go see him. You kinda stormed out in a fashion not unfamiliar to one of my strops.” 

“I shouldn't have left him but I was just so angry.” 

“Yeah, I get that but he's your conjunx, he needs you and you need him.” 

Drift grinned weakly, “I hate it when you're right.” 

“Join the club, Megatron started it.” He offered a hand out, “I'll walk you there.” 

When they got to the medbay door, Rodimus planted a kiss against Drift's cheek, tickling him in the way he usually did and then embraced him hard. 

“You wanna get angry, you come find me alright? Oh, and this one's for the doc.” 

Rodimus kissed him the other side then laughed as Drift pushed him away grinning. 

“Seriously though, I'm here, okay?” 

“I know. Thank you.” 

Rodimus made a big fuss of Bonnie but the dog was too busy fixated on the keypad of the door, her dark eyes flicking up to Drift then back. 

With a deep in-vent, they made their way in. Bonnie stayed faithfully by Drift's side this time and First Aid waved him into the area that Ratchet was in, leaving the two alone to speak. 

Ratchet was finally sat up in the bed, carefully looking at his hands and when he caught movement, he snapped his helm up quickly and clenched his hands into fists. 

“Drift! I wasn't… I'm sorry.” 

“It's okay.” Drift shifted, “well it's not, but you know what I mean.” 

Bonnie put her front paws up onto the berth, tongue lolling at the sight of her two keepers back together and Ratchet smiled at her, tickling behind her ear on the side he could reach. 

“I didn't want to ruin our trip, and  _ I'll probably die _  is kind of a mood killer.” 

“How soon?” Drift was back to being serious, “honestly.” 

Ratchet sighed and unclenched his other hand, stretching out the joints in his fingers.

“Not in the next mega-cycle but… sooner than I'd like.” 

“Do we have time to get married? Live happily for a while?” 

“I think so. I can't stop it, but we can slow it. Probably have long enough together for you to be sick of me by the end.” 

Drift sat on the edge of the berth, Bonnie hopping down and sitting patiently, watching between them both. Ratchet went to reach out then stopped. He didn't want to tip Drift over the edge. 

“I won't ever be sick of you. I wanted forever, honestly, and now we're not getting that. I feel cheated Ratty.” 

“Same kid, maybe if you'd come into my life sooner I wouldn't have put myself in this state but who knows, maybe this would have happened regardless. We'll have time to be happy Drift okay?” 

“As long as you slow down.” Drift flicked his gaze over then back down to Bonnie, “please Ratty, this scares me. Losing you… I wouldn't cope.” 

“Hey.” 

Ratchet held out his arms and Drift crawled over to sit in his lap, pressing his face against his love's.

“Kid, even if I'm not here with you, you'll still have that nagging voice in your head that's mine, you know that right?” 

Drift had to smile a little even though he felt like his spark was breaking.

“Don't be scared, please. I'm not scared, I'm just glad I know I've got you for the rest of my life.” 

The tears fell then, for both of them. They held each other knowing that one day this would come to an end, but Drift was going to make sure that they made the most of every moment. Bonnie whined lowly and Ratchet patted the bed without letting up his one armed embrace with Drift. She pushed her pointy snout right into the gap between them and they started laughing, letting her clamber all over them. 

“I’ve got time yet for both of you, okay? I love you both, very much.” 

Bonnie agreed by licking Ratchet and he chuckled, then caught Drift's gaze.

“We're still getting married right?” 

“Of course.” 

“We have time for that?” 

“Kid,” Ratchet caught his chin, “we've got plenty of time, trust me, okay?” 

There was still unease in Drift but he trusted Ratchet and if he said they had time, then they had time. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's starting to set in exactly how hard the road ahead will be for Drift and Ratchet, but they're lucky to have so many friends, and a loyal dog, by their sides.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eek, this is super long I apologise 🙈 also I apologise for breaking hearts, it's breaking my own to write. I know everything seems really sad now, but bear with me if you can, it won't be all doom and gloom that much I promise 💙 thank you for all of the feedback so far.

Bonnie was having an amazing time on board the Lost Light. She had so much space to roam and wherever she went there was a treat for her or a pat or a _who's a good girl?_ She bounced from mech to femme, wagging her tail and revelling in the feel good vibes that everyone mostly radiated. She especially liked being near certain crew members, like Chromedome and Rewind who she could tell were absolutely in love with each other, and Thunderclash who, along with his talented hands, always had a field that reached out with _happy_ and _calm_.

If there was anything she liked more than that though, it was being warm. If she ever wandered from Ratchet or Drift's side, they would find her curled up under the desks on the bridge, sitting on someone's pedes or sprawled out near the engine room. Whenever they came to find her, with a quiet _oh Bonnie_ , she would flicker her optics open and give out a soft sigh.

The cyberdog had definitely fallen into a better life.

The only thing that bothered her was the darkness that followed Drift. Whenever she was near him, she could feel the sadness pressing down on her too, and she did what she could to lift his mood, nuzzling him or bringing him a toy. He would give her a small smile and a head pat but his mood would stay dark.

Whenever she was near Ratchet, she could sense his weariness and that weighed on her too. She would press her frame against him if he seemed tired and needed to rest or she would fetch him some energon treats if he needed some fuel. He would smile and ruffle behind her ears, telling her how good she was.

Whenever she was near both of them, she could feel the love but also the tension. Their wedding plans had suddenly come to an abrupt stop, loud voices and angry words being flown around whenever it was mentioned. That made her feel sad, so she would whine lowly until they noticed her and stopped.

Here though, in the place that smelled like strange energon and where there was always laughter, her keepers didn't shout at each other.

She was making her way around Swerve's, receiving all of her usual attention whilst Drift watched her carefully. Ratchet was beside him in the booth, uncharacteristically still and quiet after another argument, but they had made plans to meet with Rodimus and Thunderclash so they'd made their way silently down to the bar.

The couple made their way in, Rodimus tucked tightly under Thunderclash's arm and when he spotted them, he grinned widely, motioning at the bar. Drift nodded and the two went off to go speak to Swerve.

“Did we used to be like that?”

“Nope.” Drift murmured in reply, “we weren't walking, talking egos.”

“Still pissed off then.”

“Am I still-? _Really_?” He snapped his helm round, “yes, I am.”

Ratchet didn't look up, he merely continued looking at the poster on the wall in Swerve's even though he could recite it backwards and in recharge. _No guns, no swords, no briefcases._ He sighed feeling like nothing he could do would make this better.

Drift turned back to watch Bonnie swing her head towards the door and bark at Cyclonus and Tailgate who were just entering. The mini crouched down a little, even though Bonnie could lick his face without even trying, and she nudged against him then snapped her head back up towards Cyclonus, growling at him.

Ratchet always found it amusing that certain mechs, she couldn't quite take a shine to and he was contemplating why exactly.

“You ever wonder why she does that?”

“It's obvious right?” Drift rolled his optics, “me, Cyclonus, Megatron. She barks at ex-Decepticons.”

“Cyclonus wasn't really-”

“Yeah yeah and I'm as atheist as you are.”

Bonnie lost interest in Tailgate as he moved away and went over to where Nautica and Velocity were sat with Brainstorm, the latter squealing at her and clapping his hands together. Bonnie lapped up the attention. Ratchet was glad that at least someone was happy.

“Well, you two look like you're having fun.” Rodimus shuffled in the opposite side of the booth after Thunderclash, “good job someone thought to bring some hilarious, entertaining mech with them.”

With a sarcastic smile, Ratchet nodded over at the bigger mech.

“Yeah, good call on bringing Thunderclash.”

“Ah no, if he meant me he would have said _amazingly good looking_ too.”

Thunderclash replied, passing down his drink. Drift wanted to make a noise of disgust at the love sick couple, but instead he rolled his optics and kept his helm turned in the direction of his dog.

“Well,” Rodimus shrugged, “you're not wrong. Your dog is being a hussy again.”

“She is not-!” Drift huffed, “she was attention starved.”

“Yeah and I know how that is any time I walk anywhere with Thunders.”

Rodimus leaned into his partner with a smirk but Thunderclash was used to it by now and shrugged it off with a small laugh. He meant no harm and for once Rodimus was glad he wasn't always in the spotlight, because it meant he didn't always have to hold himself together. He was still recovering from his dependence on engex, some days easier than others, and he couldn't help but sigh inwardly at the table full of alcoholic beverages that he knew he couldn't touch. He stirred the fizzy energon he had with a straw, grateful that Swerve had at least put a little umbrella in it to try and convince Rodimus he wasn't being left out.

Ratchet wanted to try and ease the tension and gestured at where Bonnie was rolling over on her back for Brainstorm.

“Why do you two think she barks at some mechs? She's such a sweetheart I thought she'd like everyone."

“She can see nutcases when she sees one.” Rodimus sipped at his drink, smirking.

“She barked at _me_ in the beginning.”

“Like I said.”

Rodimus laughed but Drift pulled a face at him in return. With a lifted optic ridge, he replied.

“Wow, who told you that Spectralism isn't real today? You're in a grouch.”

“My fault.” Ratchet raised his hand a little, “as usual these days.”

“I'm not grumpy.”

“Yes y'are.” Rodimus nudged him with his foot under the table, “Driiiift c'mon, lighten up, it's not gonna kill you to smile.”

But as his friend met his gaze, he knew that what he'd said was a mistake. He held up his hands placatingly and started, feeling a pull of guilt as he side eyed Ratchet.

“Ah you know-”

“Save it.”

Drift leapt from the booth and swept out of the room, snapping _stay_ over at Bonnie. She dropped her ears as she stopped, having made it halfway across the bar before he'd commanded her. She looked around a little lost then sat with a whine.

Ratchet sighed and Rodimus moved from his side of the booth to sit next to him, leaning into him affectionately.

“Sorry, that was a scrap joke, I didn't mean it like that.”

“Hey, I started all of this by not telling the truth."

“Still giving you the cold shoulder over it huh?”

“He's angry but who could blame him?” Ratchet rubbed at his face, “I should have told him at the beginning, when he could have saved himself from the spark break.”

Rodimus huffed a small laugh and Ratchet turned to him in surprise.

“What?”

“Sorry, but you'd still be here." Rodimus was smiling softly, "He was hopelessly in love with you from the beginning, Ratch. I know, I used to have to listen to him talking about you even after we'd fra- Thunders don't give me that _look_.”

“What?” Thunderclash shrugged, “I knew I was right about you two.”

Rodimus sighed and continued, “even if you'd told him you would die tomorrow, he still would have taken the chance. He cares about you that much. Funny how neither of you could fragging show it in the beginning and hey! My screw up meant you went after him and got it on, so really, what you should say is _thanks Rodimus what would we do with-_ OW.”

Thunderclash shrugged as Rodimus bent down to rub at his sore shin, frowning across the table. The bigger mech smiled sweetly.

“Sorry, me and my _big feet_.”

“I meant that affectionately, _you big dope._ ”

Ratchet managed to feel lighter at the banter between the two mechs before he his spark clenched again. It was hard. All he wanted was to go back and change things, make them happy again but he couldn't, and now he had no idea what to do.

“What can I do Rodimus? _Nothing,_ the damage is done, he'll be angry at me forever and then some. We can't even talk about getting married because it ends in a shouting match.”

“Want me to talk to him?”

“No, I don't think it would help.”

Rodimus thought for a moment then nodded, more to himself than anything. Looking at Brainstorm had made him think of something; there were a few mechs on board who knew the pain of losing a conjunx, but there was one in particular he thought might be able to make Drift see he needed to make the most of what he had.

“I think I know someone who could help.”

“Who?”

“CD, he's lost countless conjunx and well, he did lose Rewind, kind of. Maybe he would talk some sense into him, make him see that you guys have time together and he doesn't need to spend it being angry."

Thinking about it, Ratchet looked down into his drink. He wasn't sure, but something needed to be done.

“I… don't know if he'll talk. Drift likes to keep his feelings to himself, you know that.”

“Yeah, well, I'm also very persuasive, and plus, it means he can shout at me for once.”

Ratchet relented at the grin he was being given, and the little nod from Thunderclash. He had to try.

“Okay. Thank you.”

“We got you doc,” Rodimus hugged him tightly.

“And you won't have any hands if you do that again.”

Rodimus squeezed harder, “worth it.”

Bonnie's barking caught their attention and Rodimus let go of Ratchet to fall over in the booth, clutching at his sides as he laughed. Thunderclash chuckled and glanced over at where Whirl was stood in the doorway, hands held in front of him as he narrowed his optic at Bonnie.

“Hey, Lassie, chill.”

“Told you she only barks at nutcases,” Rodimus pulled himself up using the table, “oh man, I'm _broken."_

Whirl was trying to edge around the intimidating dog and he spied Rodimus and Ratchet in the booth watching.

“Hey Doc, call off the mutt!”

“Don't call her a mutt and he _might._ ” Rodimus smirked.

“She's only jealous because I have both my legs."  

“Bonnie, here.”

She obeyed but trotted back over to Ratchet with backwards glances and Whirl sidled over to join his friends. She crawled under the table to lie on Ratchet's feet so she could still see Whirl from across the room.

Rodimus was wiping at his face, still giggling and leaned into Ratchet next to him, looking under the table.

“Oh Bons, you are the best. I'm glad you managed to win over ol’ pointy sticks. He hates it when I call them those, just you know," he nudged him, "some ammo for next time Ratch.”

“I don't want to argue with him, I just want to marry him.”

It nearly broke Rodimus to see the medic so sad as and sound so forlorn as he put his jaw down onto his chest. Even if Drift was his amica, and Ratchet brought this whole thing on himself by not being truthful, he couldn't stand to see him so gloomy. He downed his drink and stood up, pointing at Thunderclash. It was business time.

“You, your job is to look beautiful and stay with our favourite doctor, got it? Bons,” he whistled, “you're with me.”

“Where are you going?” Ratchet pulled his helm up, “Rodimus-”

“Be shoosh, I'm going to make that slagger see some sense. He is totally in love with you but pissed off with the universe as usual, and I've already brought my hat for your wedding and it's no returns! So I'm getting you guys back on track.”

With no chance for anyone to retort, Rodimus strode out with Bonnie beside him, her tongue lolling and giving adoring glances up at him.

Whenever she was beside Rodimus, she felt the passion and enthusiasm for life lift her spirits. She loved the way he seemed to radiate warmth and love from his spark and it made her more determined to be as good of a girl as she could be.

* * *

 

“Go away, I'm not in the mood.”

“ _Rude._ I brought a guest, break out your tea.”

Drift rolled his optics and palmed the door open, going back to sit down on the colourful rug he used for meditating on. Bonnie bounded over to him, fetching her tug rope and throwing it into his lap, challenging him. He half heartedly played with her until Rodimus spoke again.

“Sorry he's not normally so _sullen_.”

Drift brought his gaze up and he was surprised to see Chromedome standing by the door, looking slightly awkward. He rubbed at the back of his neck and waved with his other hand, his huge shoulders hunched a little.

"Uh hi?"

“Chromedome, sorry! I thought he meant the dog. Take a seat, do you want anything?”

“More like it.” Rodimus muttered, throwing himself down beside his friend.

“I'm good, thanks.”

He took a seat too, taking in his surroundings. Ratchet had moved into Drift's habsuite, keeping his own free for anything work related that he might want or need to do somewhere quiet.

It was pretty minimalist. A desk, stacked with some datapads, some crystals and two pictures propped up on it, one of Rodimus' and Drift, the other with the two mechs with Ratchet in the middle. Above the desk on the wall were the mementos from their trip and surrounded by some decorative swirls that Drift had painted on the walls. The berth was piled with blankets, all arranged neatly and a basket of dog toys was just peeking out from underneath, so Bonnie could get to them when she wanted.

“Not what I expected. The paintings.” He pointed.

“Ratty said… I could do what I liked with the walls after we got back.”

“It's nice. Makes me and Rewind's place look a little dull.”

Drift nodded and scooped the dog up into his lap, he would need some emotional support that wasn't Rodimus because right then he wanted to hit him.

“So, Rodimus said you were struggling to deal with the thought of life without Ratchet.”

Drift shot his friend a look but Rodimus just shrugged, offering a sad smile. Trying to push down his feelings of irritation, Drift took to stroking Bonnie and sighed. He couldn't quite look over at the mnemosurgeon because he knew his emotions were written all over his face, and it was too painful, too raw.

“Yeah, well, it was supposed to be forever, getting married, being together...”

“Well, yeah," Chromedome put his hands out, "but this is your time to be together, even if it isn't forever, you don't want to be mad at him right? Because then it will feel like forever, and not in a good way.

Losing Rewind was the worst thing to ever happen to me, I'm not going to lie, but the circumstances were different, it was… my fault, but this thing with Ratchet, isn't anyone's fault, especially not yours so why are you punishing yourself?”

Drift shook his helm, like he was trying to kid himself.

“I'm not punishing myself-”

“But you are.” Rodimus cut in, “you're hurting both of you, on purpose, it's not helping anyone Drift.”

“He kept it from me, he could have told me.”

“And what would it have changed?” Chromedome sighed, “it's still the same fate.”

“We could have done more, we could have not gone on that _stupid_ holiday, we could have spent time finding him a cure.”

“You heard Aid, there's no cure.”

“And that _stupid holiday_ was you guys making memories, isn't that what we all want from this? Something to look back on and make us happy?”

Drift welled up, “I don't want memories, I want Ratchet.”

He buried his face into the dog, hating the other two mechs seeing him so vulnerable, but Rodimus reached across to hold his knee and Chromedome reached out with his words.

“I know, I felt like that too, but Stormy said to me I should honour Rewind with the memories, instead of wiping them, and it's true. Why would you want to forget something so amazing? It'll be hard, worse than hard, I can tell you that, but you've got time, and that's more than I had with Rewind, _other Rewind._ This is my second chance, think of this like yours.”

Drift nodded and sniffed. Chromedome was speaking a lot of sense, he knew that, but his spark was hurting so badly it was hard to think straight. The pain was pulling him down, trying to drown him and all he had were his friend's hands trying to reach out to stop him. But that would only work if he reached back.

“CD understands some of how you feel. We all know what grief feels like, but not many of us know the grief of what it's like to have part of our spark taken away.”

“It hurts.” Drift choked out.

“It does, it really hurts, but it heals, at least a little. You have now with him, and the future is scary, but why think about it when you can make the most of being with him.” Chromedome spoke softly, “and seriously make the most of it.”

“If you're hurting, you come to me, don't take it out on the doc, that's what I'm here for.”

Drift couldn't do much more other than nod as Rodimus squeezed his knee, and Bonnie let the tears trickle onto her back. She made a noise in her throat that was the equivalent of _I’m here_ and he was glad, for all of them, even if he was making it incredibly hard to be around, pushing and shoving them all away to try and deal with it alone.

“Thank you.”

“Anything else I can do?”

Drift shook his helm and Rodimus shrugged at the other mech, offering a tight smile.

“Just being here is enough. Thanks CD.”

“I'll leave you guys to it.”

As soon as Chromedome was gone, Rodimus threw himself around Drift and let his friend cry. It broke his spark, but he knew that this is what he needed, to let the grief out that was poisoning him inside.

Bonnie stayed on Drift's lap, just her comforting weight enough reassurance but she nuzzled into his leg a few times too just to let him know she was there.

When Drift was spent, he pulled his face up and wiped at it roughly. Rodimus took his hands in one of his own and wiped the tears away more gently. He smiled a little.

“Still cute.”

Drift managed a small laugh at the old memory of them doing the same thing back when they were with Kup, and leant his helm onto Rodimus'. He was still sniffling as he spoke.

“Why do you put up with me?”

“Because you put up with _me._  This is scrap and it's gonna hurt, but we'll get through this, okay? I'm here Drift, like you've always been for me. I'm here.”

“Someone has to look out for you. M'just glad Thunders has your back too.”

“Well, you've got a lot to do now, looking after this thing,” he patted Bonnie, “looking after Ratchet, looking after _yourself_ for the first time in forever. Just concentrate on you guys, I know Ratchet says he has a lot of time left, but it'll never be enough and I want you to make sure you don't waste a day.”

“You're right. I'm too angry at the past to enjoy the present.”

Rodimus rolled his optics smiling, “why are you better with words than me? I'm supposed to be the one who's good at this.”

“You're the better looking one remember. Which reminds me,” Drift ran a digit down his arm, “you better get this paint job fixed before my wedding.”

Rodimus looked down at where there was still a huge scrape in his paint along his forearm. He'd kept it as a reminder to not be so stupid after he'd fixed the rest, but he hoped now that maybe it could be painted over. He'd stayed away from the engex and he'd tried to lean on those around him rather than turning his fury inwards. He nodded and raised his gaze to meet Drift's.

“Just do it, get it over and done with okay? Because you two are madly in love and meant to be, and I hate seeing you fighting.”

“Yeah. Me too.” Drift smiled sadly, “everyone else's wedding first.”

“Whatever you want, Drift, just, I'm here okay?”

Rodimus kissed him lightly against his cheek and Drift smiled. What he'd ever done to deserve Rodimus he didn't know but he was grateful.

* * *

 

Drift was waiting nervously, perched on the edge of the berth as he threw a toy for Bonnie. She obviously wasn't feeling it much either and she spent longer and longer bringing it back, giving wistful glances at the door. As soon as they heard it open, they both perked up, Bonnie running over to greet Ratchet. He fussed her ears and stood in front of the berth, looking sad and hopeless, and he didn't quite meet Drift's optics.

“You wanted me?”

“I did.”

“If you want to shout at me some more, go ahead, but remember Bonnie hates it so I better send her out.”

“I'm not going to shout at you.”

He patted the berth beside him and Bonnie mistook it as an invitation to her. She jumped up and looked pleased with herself before she settled down on the other side of Drift, leaving space for Ratchet.

“Silly dog.” He mused and sat.

Drift leant into him heavily, and Ratchet held up an arm so he could tuck him into his side. He'd anticipated the anger to have fizzled out by now, but he hadn't expected the tears to come.

“Hey, hey,” Ratchet spoke softly, squeezing him tighter to him, “c'mon now, don't cry.”

“M'sorry, I've been a jerk.”

“So has Rodimus for most of his life but he's not in here crying.”

“Ratty p-please. Listen.”

The medic sighed but relented. He was just glad that Drift had wanted to see him and relished in holding him. He tried not to think about how one day he wouldn't be able to.

“I was angry at you for not telling me but that doesn't matter now, I just want us to be _us_ again. I love you.”

“And I miss my cute conjunx,” he stroked his finials, “the mean one is well, _mean._ ”

“I know and I'm sorry.”

“I'm sorry too, for not telling you. You were just so happy and I was going to spoil it, I couldn't do that.”

“Were you going to tell me? Before we got married?”

“Yeah,” Ratchet sighed, “I was actually going back to my hab to pick up my notes on burnout so I could make sure I had all the facts for you when I collapsed again. Stupid frame.”

“You just need to make sure you fuel and recharge enough and maybe… maybe…”

“Maybe what? We'll live happily ever after? Drift, you need to realise that's not an option, as much as you want it to be. What we've got is happily until the end, and I want it to be happy, I really do.”

“Me too.” Drift was crying again, “I wish I'd listened to you in the first place.”

“Kid, ssh, c'mon don't talk like this. You're always the one practicing mindfulness and now you're focusing on the past and the future way too much. I'm here now, so what are you going to do with me?”

Drift clambered onto Ratchet's lap and held him tightly, like he never wanted to let go, burying his face against his neck and digging his digits in. Ratchet sighed a little, holding the back of his helm.

“Not what I was hoping for, but this is still good.”

Drift muttered something and it tickled Ratchet's neck so badly, he had to prise him away, laughing.

“Say that again without giving me shivers.”

“Do you still want to marry me?”

“I dunno, Thunderclash is pretty handsome right?”

Drift managed to smile a little at the expression on Ratchet's face, but then it dropped again.

“How are you so brave about this? I'm falling apart and… you're not.”

“Because I know I've got you.” Ratchet dodged his optics away so he didn't see how they glittered with tears, “until the end.”

Then it was Drift's turn to comfort Ratchet, pulling his helm down into his shoulder whilst he shed a few tears. Ratchet wasn't good at being open with his emotions but here, with his family, in his safe space, he could let the grief for what could have been set in.

It was going to be the longest and most difficult road ahead of them, but they'd do it together.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter in which Rodimus actually has his shit together and the two dads of the ship are losing their minds. Oh, and Thunderclash is pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goshhh I am a little bit overwhelmed with the response to this fic, honestly, thank you all so much for the kind comments and the kudos. I am so nervous to carry on with it, because I know I can't please everyone, but I really hope that there's at least a part for everyone to enjoy. 
> 
> Apart from this chapter, this isn't for Minimeg fans, I'd look away now 🙈 SORRY.
> 
> Like I've said to a few of you, hold on in there, it is a seriously rough ride but it'll be worth it! 💙
> 
> Oh, also I have no chapter names/soundtrack for this one, but there's definitely some good music on the new Sleeping Wolf album that goes with this 😊 go have a listen if you like them!

Megatron was humming to himself as he signed off the ship inventory lists, pleased that perhaps for once everything was running smoothly on board. The thought stilled his hand for a moment, at least the Lost Light was running smoothly, he corrected himself in his processor, certain crew members hadn't been quite so lucky.

With a small sigh, he continued his paperwork, absently reaching over to give Minimus' hand a quick squeeze from where he was seated next to him at the desk situated in the smaller mech's habsuite. The Magnus armour stood proudly in the corner, almost as if it was watching guard over them.

Grabbing his energon cube, Megatron took a small sip then turned his helm slowly to the side. Minimus was piercing him with his gaze. He cleared his intake and put his fuel down, giving a tight smile.

"Yes dear?"

"I know there's something on your mind." Minimus twiddled his moustache, "I would just like to inform you that I'm here if you wished to share."

Megatron did but he also didn't. On one hand he knew that Minimus would never judge whatever he had to say but on the other, he was scared to voice what it was bothering him, for fear of tempting fate. But it was no good, not with the optics of his beloved staring into the darkest parts of him.  With a sigh, Megatron started, bringing his gaze back to the datapads in front of him.

"I was merely thinking that it is a welcome change that everything is smooth sailing, nearly… everything."

"You mean apart from Ratchet's illness."

"Yes well," Megatron twiddled his light pen between the tips of his fingers, "it is so very unfortunate that such a fate awaits the dear medic. What is it the humans say? It always happens to the best of us."

"Quite." Minimus spoke softly.

Megatron flicked his gaze back over to his partner. His spark clenched; he'd done absolutely nothing to deserve someone so understanding and wonderful, and he knew that if anyone should be suffering, it should be him.

He swivelled his chair around to face Minimus, turning his chair too and caught his small hands up into his large ones.

"Minimus, I hope that perhaps this is okay…"

Megatron fished into his subspace then pulled out a beautiful, ornate light pen. He held it out when suddenly Minimus put his hands up, shifting to sit totally straight in the chair.

"I cannot accept that."

Puzzled at the reaction to his gift, Megatron tilted his helm.

"May I ask why not?"

"The rites, an offering of a gift, it's-" Minimus was flustered, "I apologise but I'm not ready."

For a moment, Megatron was conflicted. He was ready to shout, let the beast of anger out of its cage but he was too confused and the words died in his vocaliser. When he realised what exactly it was that had happened, he started to stutter an apology.

"A-ah, no Minimus I-"

"I think it's best that I go drop these datapads off to Rodimus."

Minimus hopped down from his chair, swiftly grabbing a pile of the signed datapads and heading towards the door. Megatron stood, the chair flying back as he did.

"Wait, let me explain to you-"

But Minimus was already at the door. He tilted his helm down.

"There is nothing to explain. I have told you that I-... I cannot."

Without another word, he swept from the room leaving Megatron feeling totally blindsided.

* * *

 

Rodimus was singing to himself as he swivelled his chair whilst Thunderclash busied himself by wiping down all of the desks. He and the bigger mech were manning the bridge, leaving everyone else free for some time off. Their course had been set and so they only had to make sure no disasters occurred but one was making its way down to them, in the form of a usually composed mech.

The first either of them knew of Minimus' entrance to the bridge was him flinging the datapads down onto a desk quite dramatically. Thunderclash and Rodimus exchanged a glance as they both stopped their movements.

"Um Mags?" The captain tried. "You… okay?"

Minimus was leaning over the desk, ex-venting hard. He didn't look up at the others.

"He tried to ask me! I-I-I don't even understand why he would! It was adequate, the way that things were going-"

"Um?" Rodimus blinked.

"-I thought that, that, we were happy!"

Thunderclash stepped forward to lay a large hand on Minimus' back comfortingly.

"Minimus, please, calm yourself. What is it?"

Carefully, Minimus lifted his gaze to look up at Thunderclash. There was a strange look on his face, a mixture of uncertainty and sadness, something never usually seen on him.

"Megatron… was going to ask me to become his conjunx endura."

Rodimus nearly choked on his drink, throwing himself forward in his chair and spluttering.

"He what?!"

"He offered me a gift and we have already completed part of the conjunx ritus and-and-!" He sighed, "I cannot."

"Why?" Thunderclash asked gently.

"Because… I can't. I just can't. In fact, I need to go talk to him right now and call this whole thing off!"

"No!"

Rodimus leapt up, skidding to a halt in front of the desk. His spoiler was twitching behind his back with nervous energy and his optics were bright and wide. It had taken so long for the two mechs to get together and Rodimus wasn't about to let them sabotage it.

"Are you glitched?! Why would you do that?!"

"For reasons I am not willing to divulge."

The flame coloured mech was bewildered. Why in the Pit would Minimus decide to break up with Megatron? Unless…

"You're scared."

Minimus' optics flashed, his expression darkening.

"Excuse me."

"You're scared to lose him right? How long have you been Magnus for? How many others have you lost? It's hit home hasn't it? That you could lose him too?"

"Rodimus!"

"No!" He slammed a hand down on the table, "you don't get to do this. _You are happy_ , don't be a martyr."

"And don't tell me what to do Rodimus!" Minimus snapped, raising his vocals too, "this is my life and you have interfered with it enough! It is my decision and my decision is final!"

Before anyone could stop him, Minimus once again swept from the room. Thunderclash sighed and leant his hip against the desk as they watched him leave with a flare of anger in his field. It wasn't like Minimus to react that way.

"He doesn't understand."

Rodimus was rubbing at his helm, "that's he's a stupid slagger? Yeah, I know."

"No, he doesn't… Megatron is from Tarn, right? He was a miner, he was part of the labourer class."

"Thunders where are you going with this? My helm hurts enough without you going all, well, Optimus on me."

"Well, those in the labourer class couldn't necessarily engage in conjunx ritus, they might not have the opportunity or the time to go through the whole four acts, they spent their time either working or resting."

"...still not with you."

"I don't think Megatron necessarily is thinking of the conjunx ritus, I feel… maybe it was just a gift."

"Oh frag."

"Yep."

Thunderclash rubbed at the back of his neck with a small sigh. Even the most sensible of them could become undone at the grave news of a friend's terminal illness and Thunderclash himself had experienced a moment of panic, thinking of his own health. Velocity had gladly checked him and reassured him that his spark was doing fine. He was relieved and knew that he had to step up and help anyone else who might need it, because that's what he was good at. 

"We need to stop him doing something _ridiculous._ I got this Thunders, don't worry your pretty little helm, stay here."

Rodimus patted his face then kissed him softly, jogging out into the hallway without giving the colourful mech a chance to argue.

He found Megatron, lingering outside of the captain's office. When he saw Rodimus approach, he pulled himself straight, throwing his shoulders back but he couldn't fool anyone, the defeat was written all over his face. Rodimus made a beckoning gesture and opened the door, hopping to sit on his desk and kicking the chair out for Megatron. The big mech slumped into it hanging his helm.

"If you want to reprimand me, that is fine, but I have already reprimanded myself enough."

"No, I'm here to say Minimus is jumping to conclusions. I know, I know, I'm as shocked as you but… he thinks-"

"I know what he thinks." He put his helm into his hands, "I am a fool."

"Back in Tarn you didn't do the rites huh? 'Specially not as a miner."

Megatron shook his helm.

"I fear that perhaps Minimus is very caught up within them, let's face it, they are a set of rules so to speak. As for me, I believe you become conjunx endura when you feel it is right and when you ask the other involved if that is okay with them. These fancy rites I don't believe in."

Rodimus hunched his shoulders, "neither do I."

Megatron raised his helm, his optics brightening. He was surprised. Rodimus was from Nyon, where he was sure that the rites would have been practiced, maybe even something more religious.

"You… do not? Yourself and Thunderclash are…"

"Me and Thunders are taking it one day at a time," Rodimus pulled his legs up to cross them, "like you said, it's when you think it's right, right?"

Megatron hadn't expected Rodimus to understand at all. Not that he thought it was a case of he liked Minimus more and would take his side, but he knew sometimes Rodimus had a way of seeing things too black and white, and usually that meant if Megatron was anything, he was usually in the wrong.

"You…"

"Get it? Yeah I think I do." Rodimus sighed, "don't let him just slip away okay? This is too much for you to lose, Megs, he really cares he's just… scared."

"Aren't we all?"

The two captains exchanged a look, a serious one full of emotion. They didn't need to say what exactly they were scared of, both of them knew, they understood.

Megatron rose and headed for the door, pausing to speak.

"We are all not quite as invincible as we think we are. We live long lives, and we have spent a great deal of it at war. I always thought my end would come at the hands of someone, like you Rodimus, and I prepared myself for that, always in those moments making peace with what I'd done. But now? My life is not long enough to make amends for what I have done, even if I were to live for another hundred million years. The greatest price that I could pay in all of this, is the loss of someone very dear to me, and that hurts more than the thought of my own demise ever could. If something were to ever happen to Minimus… I would never be able to live with myself."

With another sigh, Rodimus watched Megatron leave. The news of Ratchet's decline had shaken them all to their very protoforms and everyone was terrified. 

The truth was that they all did feel invincible until someone levelled a gun at their sparks, but never had many of them had to think that maybe it wouldn't be someone else's hand was responsible for their deaths, but their own. Rodimus agreed with Megatron, he could make peace with the fact that someone could best him and he'd embrace going out with a fight, but being reduced to nothing but a weak frame and barely any words? The thought of that he couldn't stand.

He heaved himself up from his desk and went to find Thunderclash, in the hopes of finding comfort in the arms that made him feel just a little less worried.

* * *

 

A little while later, Megatron had managed to find Minimus in his office and plucked up the courage to speak to him. The green mech was working studiously at his desk and didn't even look up as he entered.

"Megatron."

The named mech slumped his shoulders. Minimus was still upset with him. He tentatively stepped forward to take a seat in the chair when Minimus slammed one of the datapads down onto the desk, forcing Megatron to look up.

"I assume you won't be staying, you are here to inform me of any changes on the bridge correct?"

"I…"

Minimus looked at him with intense crimson optics. His face was set neutrally but there was a whole world of emotions in his gaze.

"Yes. Of course. No changes to report."

"Noted."

Minimus shuffled the datapads in his hand and then nodded at the door.

"If that's all, I am quite busy."

Defeated, Megatron left and trudged his way down to Swerve's. He didn't want to think any more, he wanted to be oblivious and downing a whole bottle would at least get him started. After two he could at least not feel the anger and sadness burning a hole in his chest, after four he was swaying and as he ordered his seventh, Swerve made a call to the mech he thought could fix everything.

Thunderclash sat on the stool next to Megatron, smiling softly.

"Megatron."

"Th-Thundercrash." He sighed, "ya come to tell me off? Hm?"

"No, of course not."

He leaned over the bar to grab a bottle, having already told the bartender to not give Megatron any more engex, no matter how much he shouted or whatever he broke. Swerve had nervously said that it wouldn't come to that, right? Thunderclash hadn't answered that, he'd just told Swerve to ready a bottle of plain energon.

"Well s'fine! S'fine! I told myself off enough, right. I had a real ol' go at myself, Megs! Why you gotta frag it all up all the time! Why! Suave! 'Nother bottle."

But Swerve was nowhere to be seen, ducked behind the bar where Megatron wouldn't see him and couldn't shout at him. Thunderclash slid over the bottle of energon to Megatron, in the hopes of sobering him up.

"Megatron, I think Minimus is just afraid of what it could mean if you become conjunx-"

"Yeah! 'Cause I'm a fraggin' brute and if I were him, I'd frag off to the other side of the world away from me right. Just," he waved his hand, "GONE."

"No, that's not what I think he's saying. I think he's afraid to lose you."

Megatron snorted, "lose me? M'too big, heh heh."

"I mean… he's scared in case what happens to Drift and Ratchet happens to you."

"And fate would be that cruel!"

He slammed a great hand onto the bar and turned to look Thunderclash right in the optics. The other mech didn't even flinch.

"I deserve no less. It should be me with the death sentence. It should be me that's facin' a slow painful decline, but no, justice is far smarter than Optimus, it would rather leave me fraggin' devastated for a millennia."

"So you're scared of losing Minimus too?"

"And you're not afraid of losin' Rodimus huh? Not afraid of your whole fraggin' life come crashin' down?"

"Of course I'm scared." Thunderclash rubbed absently at his chest, "but… I'm not about to let it get in my way. I'm happy with Rodimus, and even if I die tomorrow, then fine, so be it. At least I had my time with him, and it was happy. Can you say the same?"

Megatron growled and swept the bottles in front of him off the bar, full one exploding in a pink shower. He stood and leant over Thunderclash.

"Get it through your thick fraggin' helm! I don't deserve it! Minimus has made it clear, we're done, an' I'm sick of fightin'."

Thunderclash wasn't intimidated. He stayed seated and tipped his helm up at the grey mech, looking into his optics.

"Then you're not the mech I thought you were."

Rage flashed through Megatron and he raised his fist, bringing it down onto the bar. The metal dented under his strength and there was a hushed muttering around the room, until Megatron pulled his dark gaze up and it stopped. Thunderclash stood and raised an optic ridge.

"Don't be a martyr, Megatron, it doesn't suit you."

Under the unwaivering gaze, Megatron relented. He stumbled back, venting hard as he looked at the bar. He'd wanted to do that to Thunderclash, he'd wanted to hurt him and his spark clenched. He hadn't changed, no wonder Minimus hadn't wanted to become conjunx endurae.

With helm down, he ran from the room, unable to bear the whispers that weren't coming from the room, but from inside his processor.

 _Murderer. Brute. All you do is hurt. All you know is violence. Hurt. Rage._ **_Kill_ ** _._

* * *

 

Minimus was in his office still. He was staring at the same sentence he had been for a long time whilst tears streamed down his face. His spark was breaking, but he knew it was for the best. He knew he wouldn't be strong enough to ever face what Drift and Ratchet were going through and so he needed to distance himself, so that nothing could hurt. He'd been through so much, taken so many deaths hard, but if he ever had to watch his beloved crumble under the weight of his hard life, he wouldn't be able to cope. He needed to mask himself, make himself invincible again and so he laid the datapad down. 

He would retreat back to his hab suite and he would painstakingly cocoon himself into the Magnus armour. He would convince himself that he was stronger that way and he would try not to think of the words he'd stared at for so long.

_With thanks my dear,_

_Megatron._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll um be hiding over here away from the angry Minimegs fans 🙈


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe we could just have a small interlude of happiness, oh wait, no, nevermind here comes some drama. Oops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I need to say this just to explain why I'm taking so long to upload. This particular fic does hit rather close to home for me, and sometimes it can be difficult for me to write. A lot of Drift's emotions are my very own and although it's not the exact same situation, it's close enough. I also understand that it's hard to read, perhaps because you can relate too, so if you need a break, then please give yourself one. 
> 
> I would also like to reiterate how much I appreciate all of you who read this and anyone who has reached out to me with comments or messages or kudos. For someone who suffers with self confidence, trust me it goes a long way. 
> 
> Lastly, oh Rodimus 💙 you are an old romantic 😂

Whilst Minimus was breaking his spark in his hab suite, Thunderclash had retreated from the bar after comforting Swerve and gone to find his own partner. He knocked on Rodimus' hab suite and was surprised when the flame coloured mech threw himself wholeheartedly into him. He blinked and patted his back. 

"Um Rodimus?" 

"Thunders." He signed, "you know I... care right?" 

"Of course. What is this in aid of?" 

"Just, I needed you to know. In case." 

The _in case_ went unspoken and Thunderclash merely nodded, understanding totally. 

"I tried to talk to Megatron, but he was… um, well-" 

"He pulled a Rodimus huh?" He pulled away, flapping his hand, "leave him to get over it and he'll be okay." 

Rodimus retreated back into the hab suite and collapsed down onto his desk chair, pushing it back with his feet and laying his helm back. 

"What we gonna do Thunders? Everyone is falling apart and… I gotta fix this right?" 

"Why?"

He replied quietly, "...because no one gave up on me when they should have, you, Megs, Mags, even Drift and Ratchet from the other side of the Universe. I need to repay the favour." 

There was a small chuckle from Thunderclash and Rodimus snapped his helm up, frowning a little. He was affronted that he was being laughed at. 

"Rodimus, there was no favour, no debt. We did those things because we care about you, because we-..." 

The colourful mech stopped a moment. His gaze that had been set steadily on Rodimus shifted around the room like he wasn't sure where to look and he fidgeting with his collar plating. He took a big invent and nodded to himself.

"Because we love you. Because _I_ love you, Rodimus. Please don't-"

"Thunders." 

"I don't want you to think-" 

"'Clash." 

"You know, you don't have to say it-" 

"Thunderclash. Shush." 

He stopped his fidgeting and looked at Rodimus. The other mech was slumped in the chair still but looking at him with such a soft smile that Thunderclash was sure he was going to melt into a puddle.

"I love you too. Hey, I think I loved you _first_." 

Thunderclash asked softly, "you… do?"

"Course I do, what is there to not love? Oh shit," he sprang up after checking his chronometre, "super bad timing, I gotta go, uh, talk later?" 

"Sure." 

Rodimus left, not before giving Thunderclash a hot kiss and sprinted down the corridor. Thunderclash watched, his spark racing so hard he wondered if it might give out on him.

* * *

 

“Okay! Okay!” 

Riodimus pinched his nasal bridge, huffing at the way that he was really working with some real amateurs. 

“CD, pick Rewind up like… like… you're not trying to put him on a shelf, Rewind, you've got to keep your legs straight, otherwise it just looks sloppy.” 

“I'm so tired,” Rewind yawned, “can't we have a break?” 

Rodimus spotted movement in the doorway and sighed, knowing that a break would do them all some good. He made a shooting gesture with one hand, holding his helm with the other.

“Ten kliks and I want you back here.” 

The couple threw themselves through the door past Drift and Rodimus let himself drop to the floor of the observation deck, propping his helm under his arms. The white mech didn't move, he stayed bothering the doorway.

“You finished being a diva?”

“Says you.” 

“Exactly, we can't have more than one. Where's Bons?”

“Napping with Ratty. We talked. I think we're good.” 

“I'm glad. C'mere.” 

He patted the floor and after a moment of hesitation, Drift came into the room to lay down beside him. They watched the endless star map roll by beyond the vast window for a few moments before Rodimus spoke. 

“When did you realise you were conjunx?”

“I'm not too sure.” He paused, “why?”

“You know why.” 

“Oh. I guess you just know.” 

Rodimus had already gathered that would be the answer. He didn't particularly want to bother with the rites, Getaway had managed to taint them with his lies to Tailgate anyway, but even before that he wasn't sure that it was about doing certain tasks. It was too much like a tick list for him and Rodimus hated rules. 

“Should be easy right, with a great guy like Thunders? But nope, I'm hopeless.”

“You'll know when you know.” 

They spent a little while in silence again before Drift wriggled over and Rodimus moved his arm so he could curl up at his side. They didn't need to speak, all they needed was to know that the other was there for them. 

* * *

 

The Lost Light had ventured back towards Velocitron, mostly due to Rodimus’ pestering, and some of the crew had gone off on their allocated shore leave, the captain included. He'd asked Drift and Ratchet to come, bringing Bonnie and when they met up with him and Thunderclash, there was mostly confusion as he started walking off towards the bustling city centre.

“Uh, Roddy, the race track is that way.”

“I know, I thought we'd all go for a walk instead, Bons needs it.” 

The dog tilted her head at Rodimus and woofed lowly in agreement, turning to where her keepers were and waiting obediently for the command to go. Ratchet pointed ahead for her. 

“Go on.”

“Just be careful, there's lots of fast moving bots around here.” 

She barked in response and started off along the street, her snout low as she sniffed and her long tail wagging gently behind her. Rodimus let Thunderclash put an arm around him, and then leaned round him to speak to Drift. He was happy to see that he and Ratchet were holding hands, back to looking like the loving couple everyone knew they were deep down.

“I really thought that if either of you were going to overprotective and smothering it was going to be Ratch.”

Drift narrowed his optics playfully but he felt Ratchet squeeze his hand as he laughed.

“The words you're after are caring and sweet.”

“Pfft, sure, doc.”

They walked in an amicable silence for a little, Thunderclash pointing something out to Rodimus every so often or Drift stopping to look in a shop window. It wasn't until they'd gotten a little farther when Thunderclash decided to point out something more thought provoking. 

“Didn't you say you found her on Gigantion?”

“Yeah, she was wandering around the refuel station. Why?” 

“Just pondering," he replied to Ratchet, "she's not native to there, she's too small. And her colours are wrong.” 

“What are you getting at?” Rodimus pried. 

“Well, she seems at home, is what I'm saying.” 

And as they all snapped their attention back to where she was, they saw that she had her paws up onto one of the windowsills, watching intently. When Ratchet went over to get her, he saw that she was looking into a small shop that sold performance enhancers, ones that weren't strictly legal on the race track. 

“C'mon girl, it's okay.” 

She dropped her paws back down and hung her head down, pressing herself into Ratchet's legs as if she were worried. He ruffled her ears and sighed. 

They carried on walking, Bonnie unwilling to go any further than anyone's side and Drift looked down at her sadly. There was something about Velocitron that was bothering her and he wished he knew why, but it was going to be difficult when she couldn't exactly tell them. 

They found a cafe with some seats outside and ordered some oil cakes, Drift smiling at how Ratchet couldn't decide which to have so they ordered one of every kind. At least his sweet cravings wouldn't kill him. 

The server came back out swiftly with their order, her optics catching Bonnie and she gasped, placing a hand to her mouth.

“Oh what a beautiful dog! Can I?”

Drift nodded as she placed their order down onto the table. 

“She's called Bonnie.” 

The femme crouched in front of her and the dog eyed her warily, lifting her head and flattening her ears. The server gently patted her side and made reassuring sounds at her.

“Don't see them much anymore.” She smiled sadly, “we used to have a lot of them around here, but after they outlawed racing them, they seemed to disappear.” 

Ratchet exchanged a glance with Drift and Rodimus spoke up.

“They raced them?” 

“Yeah, for money you know? But some guys got too competitive, gave them enhancers and some of the dogs got real sick. Poor things.” 

She stood again and flashed a bright smile, “just lemme know if you want anything else.” 

She disappeared as quickly as she'd brought their order out. 

Rodimus glanced over at where Drift was frowning hard and reached across the table for his hand. 

“Hey, look, she's got you guys now, it doesn't matter where she came from.” 

“Oh great, now I'm going to have to agree with Rodimus,” Ratchet rolled his optics. 

“I know, but she seems so sad, maybe we shouldn't have brought her here.” 

“She needed to stretch her legs a little. Bons?” 

The dog lifted her head and thumped her tail against the floor a few times. 

“You're okay right? You're a good girl! Tell Drift you're okay and you just need a hug.” 

She perked her ears and stood suddenly, going over to Drift and trying to nudge her head under the table onto his legs. He laughed and pushed his chair back so she could put her paws onto his legs and rested her head onto his shoulder. 

Rodimus laughed, “she is _so_ smart. Why don't you do some training with her?”

“Like what?” He stroked her muzzle.

“Some animals enjoy puzzles or exercise, have you ever seen those turbo fox agility trials?” 

“'Clash! She's cleverer than some dumb turbo fox!” 

Ratchet rubbed at his face, “ _cleverer?_ ”

“I guess we could.” Drift mused, “if they used to have dogs here, maybe there's still a shop that sells supplies.” 

“Oh! Let's go spoil her! Treats and toys and a new bed!”

“She sleeps on ours.” 

“And why is that?!” Drift laughed at his conjunx, “you know what he said? _Don't let her on the bed_.” 

“Ah, but, like I said, she's less of a fidget than you.” 

At the easy banter between the two mechs, Bonnie felt better and she licked at Drift's cheek, her long tail swinging in happiness. He laughed and nuzzled back into her, then reached over for Ratchet, pulling him in for a kiss. 

“I think I preferred when you guys were mad at each other." 

The group spent some time chatting and trying the cakes, Drift happy to just sit and watch mostly. Since Ratchet's diagnosis, he'd been even more contemplative and less talkative, as if he were trying to wrap his mind around his new life, and Rodimus tilted his helm at him, reaching out with a flicker of _love_ from his field. Drift returned it and put his gaze on the floor. Even though Rodimus couldn't see auras, he still knew what his friend needed and he made an excuse to give him a moment alone with his conjunx.

"Thunders, coming to settle the bill?” 

Thunderclash rolled his optics with a smile, “ _forgot_ your shanix again?” 

“You know it!” 

When they'd left, Ratchet nuzzled into Drift's neck and stroked his face with a smile. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

Bonnie put one paw onto Ratchet's leg too and then casually crawled onto his lap, barely able to fit and he had to hold her on, laughing. Drift smiled but he felt sad. 

“Will she understand when you're gone?”

Ratchet sighed as he petted her, unable to look over at Drift for fear of his spark breaking in an entirely different way.

“I don't know.

Drift nodded solemnly, taking his optics away from the two who he loved more than anything, apart from maybe Rodimus. He knew he had to stop focussing on the inevitable but every happy moment was tinged with sadness that it'd come to an end one day. He couldn't stop his processor repeating _what if_ over and over, _what if it's the last time we…?_

Rodimus came bursting back out onto the street, grinning wildly.

“Drift! Come on! Bring all of your money!” 

By the time they'd gotten back to the Lost Light carrying arm fulls of stuff for Bonnie after raiding the shop the server in the cafe had told them about, the dog was apparently a lot happier. 

“You had fun I see.” Magnus was waiting in the shuttle bay to ensure the shuttle was docked correctly, “spoiling yourselves.” 

“Nope! This is all for Bons!” 

Magnus frowned, “how much does one dog need?” 

“She's special!” 

Rodimus flounced past, carrying a small box whilst Thunderclash carried two big sacks under either arm, smiling broadly. Drift followed carrying a plush, fluffy bed with Ratchet behind, carrying some new toys whilst Bonnie was stuck to his leg carrying an enormous stuffed dinosaur. Magnus had to smile a little, the dog had definitely brought the small group closer together. 

* * *

 

Drift was applying some finishing touches to the bright swirls he was painting on the wall in front of his meditation mat whilst Ratchet played with Bonnie, throwing her tug rope for her and wrestling it away from her. She growled noisily around the toy and Ratchet was laughing. 

“She gets that bad language from you.” 

“Cheeky.” 

Drift turned back a moment, his paintbrush poised and smiled. The sight of his conjunx and his dog filled him with joy, and he managed to keep the bad thoughts at bay for a moment. 

“I'm glad we waited for her. You look less tired when you're happy.” 

“I feel less tired. I know I was dubious but I'm glad we took her on too.” 

“She makes you really happy right?” 

“No.” 

Drift furrowed his brow. Ratchet was fussing the dog enthusiastically, kissing her head and ruffling around her face. He stopped and smiled, a warm heartfelt one, and Drift's spark thrummed hard at the sight. 

“You both do. C'mere.” 

Bonnie took that as an invitation to hop up onto the bed, panting hard from the excitement and Drift laughed, placing his brush down and sitting beside Ratchet. The medic raised an optic ridge. 

“That's not like you, you normally sit on my lap.” 

“Better take it easy, on an old guy like you.” 

Drift nuzzled into him and Ratchet pulled him in close to murmur down his audial, their fields intertwined with  _lust_ and  _love_.

Bonnie suddenly jumped down, head tilted at the doorway and as Drift went to call her back, he received an urgent ping.

_-Drift, please assist down in shuttle bay 5.-_

_"_ I've gotta go."

With a sigh, Drift hopped up to grab his swords off his weapons rack and Ratchet heaved himself up too, following where his conjunx and dog were glued together as they left the room.

“Me too. Aid pinged-”

Drift gave him a look. 

“He wants advice, that's all.” 

He sheathed his swords, walking backwards in the opposite direction to Ratchet. His expression was serious and he pointed at his conjunx.

“Take it easy.” 

“And you be safe.” 

They parted company, Bonnie choosing to go with Drift who she felt might need more protecting, but she gave a wistful glance back at Ratchet. Drift noticed and tickled her shoulder blades. 

“I know, he'll be okay.” 

When they'd sprinted down to the bay, they found chaos, several mechs disembarking a shuttle looking more than worse for wear, but the more seriously injured had been taken away already. Drift caught Magnus trying to manage the chaos and Bonnie herded a mech back that was trying to sneak away. 

Magnus cleared his intake, "who started it?" 

The crowd all shifted together, muttering and whispering until someone spoke up. Optics flicked about nervously.

“Sunstreaker.” 

“Where is he?”

“Medbay, busted audial, couldn't hear scrap.”

“He did it to stick up for that guy.”

“Hex?” 

“Nah, think his name is _Hax._ ” 

Magnus spoke again, “okay, why did he have to _'stick up for him'_?” 

“Couple of Velocitronians were trying to shake him for shanix I think.” 

“Good luck I said, he's skint.” 

“Nah no way he's loaded.”

“More loaded than Drift?”

The white mech whistled and Bonnie barked, the crowd suddenly quietening at the sight of the named mech. Between he and Magnus, there was no way anyone in the group was about to cause more trouble.

“We expect better than bar brawls and petty bickering.” Magnus frowned, “you can all expect to pick up extra duties for being involved in ridiculous behaviour. I'll send you them in a memo.” 

There were groans and muttering and Bonnie barked again. With a nod, Magnus dismissed everyone and joined Drift as the crowd dispersed, rubbing his helm. Drift had eyed up the Magnus armour but chose not to make a big deal over it, there were obviously reasons behind it.

“Where's Roddy?”

“He and Thunderclash went down to Velocitron to make sure there was no more trouble. Megatron… is in the medbay trying to piece together what happened. I thought we knew better than to start trouble.” 

Drift was going to reply when he received a call from Ratchet, excusing himself and walking away slightly to take it.

“You okay kid?”

“Yeah, fine. You?” 

“Yeah, just helping here, _don't panic_ I'm not overdoing it but… uh, Sunny here has something you might want to hear.” 

“Okay, I'll be there asap.” 

Magnus was watching Drift carefully and he gestured out of the bay, but he could see the stress in his aura. He would make sure that when he'd heard out Ratchet, he'd make some time to speak to Minimus.

“I'll pick up the paperwork, you go.” 

Drift nodded in thanks and set off in the direction of the medbay, Bonnie sticking closely behind him. When they got there, Drift was glad to see that Ratchet was true to his word, waiting patiently seated at his desk, frowning at a datapad. Drift swept in and kissed his helm, feeling a rush of love overcome him. 

“Stupid enhancers,” he threw the datapad down onto his desk, “some kiddo took something and now he can't stop shaking, like his systems in overdrive. That's what Aid wanted me for.”

“That's not what you wanted me here for right?” 

Ratchet sighed and rubbed his face. 

“No,” he gestured behind him, “Sunstreaker, said, well _shouted_ that the reason he stuck up for that Hax kid was because some Velocitronians were asking him about someone and he refused to answer. Sunny stepped in and started the brawl so he could get away.”

“Brave, but stupid.” 

“Couldn't sum him up any truer.” 

“So who were they asking about?” 

Ratchet stared Drift down and he frowned. Purposefully, the medic moved his gaze down to where Bonnie was sat at his feet, head held high and ears flicking in all directions. Drift frowned even more. 

“Bonnie?”

The dog snapped her head up at her name and Ratchet nodded. 

“At least a dog anyway. Said they'd seen one around with a group of Cybetronians and wanted to know where.” 

Drift leant against the desk, gripping it tightly. He couldn't let someone take her, she was part of his family now and he couldn't lose someone else, it would break him.

“But… she… she's ours right?” 

“Drift-” 

“I can't let someone take her, not if you're-” he ex-vented hard, “she's ours.” 

“I know, and we both know whoever had her beforehand didn't take care of her, but we need to be careful.”

“Well, we leave Velocitron.” 

“And half the crew haven't had their allocated leave, we can't let them forfeit it.” 

Drift sighed and rubbed his hands across his face feeling the stress rise in him. Whatever was going on he had to get to the bottom of before anyone else got hurt. 

“Then I go find out whoever it is that's asking for her and I speak to them.” 

“With your words or your swords?” 

“I'm not… like I was before.” 

“I know that, but when it comes down to our girl, I know you'd do anything.” 

Ratchet was watching Drift intensely and he had to turn away. Bonnie was still staring up at him and he met her optics instead. She tilted her helm as she felt the worry in his field, whining softly.

“We can't let anyone else get hurt over this, I'll speak to who it is asking about her and… she can choose. Whether she wants to stay with us or stay here.”

Ratchet frowned, “you're going to let her _choose_? Drift, she's just-” 

“Don't say what you're going to. She's not _just_ a dog, she's part of our family and she's clever, you know that. She tries to open the doors and she knows when you need refuelling even before your systems do. She would understand, remember we gave her the choice before.”

Ratchet relented with a sigh. He leant over, smiling at where Bonnie thumped her tail and started towards him, her head bent low so she could press it under Ratchet's chin. He petted her side and she nudged into him. 

“I was going to say she's just going to pick me because I'm her favourite. I know she's intelligent and she understands. Besides, like you said, whoever had her before wasn't looking after her, so there's no way she'd stay with them.” 

Drift looked down at where Bonnie had her optics half closed as Ratchet stroked her. He really hoped that was true. 

* * *

 

Drift waited until Ratchet had gone to recharge, and slipped Bonnie back into the hab suite, whispering for her to stay. She looked back at Ratchet and then back at Drift as if she was unconvinced, but he crouched down to whisper to her. 

“Ratty needs you, okay? Please, stay.” 

The dog relented, laying down between the door and the bed as if she was protecting him. Drift smiled and took his swords, Bonnie watching carefully as he armed himself. With one last glance at Ratchet, he slipped out and down towards the shuttle bays, but he was being watched. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you wanna talk to me about anything, feel free to message/follow me on my Tumblr 😊 tiredandgrumpymedic.tumblr.com


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whilst Ultra Magnus gets back to work, Drift goes to make sure that he keeps his family together for as long as he possibly can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I sincerely apologise for the lack of regular updates. I'm trying desperately to get this fic perfect and therefore there has been lots of rewriting and editing. I really hope that you're all still enjoying this and looking forward to seeing where this goes.

There was plenty of paperwork for Minimus to be busying himself with, but the mech who thrived on abiding rules and correct punctuation couldn't keep his processor on his task at hand. He'd stripped off the upper half of the Magnus armour, leaving it carefully next to his desk as he worked but he felt as though it was watching him, judging him. 

He shook his helm at the thought. He was driving himself to distraction and checked his internal chronometer. Still four kliks until his scheduled refuel reminder. Maybe before he would have ignored it, thrown caution to the wind and accepted Megatron's offer to go down to Swerve's earlier than he should have done, but now? Now he wasn't sure. The rational part of him said that it wouldn't hurt but the part of him that worried endlessly was telling him something bad might happen if he didn't go when he was supposed to. 

But the longer he sat with the Magnus armour watching him, the more agitated he got, so he suited up and stepped out into the corridor, locking and unlocking his hab suite four times like he used to, two whole kliks earlier than he should have done. 

With a shaky ex-vent, Magnus strode along the corridors hoping to grab just a single cube to keep him going whilst he finished his paperwork. He passed several crew members on the way, some giving him puzzled looks and he tried not to think about it. He was better this way, he was better when he was invincible. As he rounded the corner he just wished he could have been invisible too. 

"...Magnus." 

In his haste, Magnus had nearly careened straight into Megatron. The grey mech took a step backwards, his optics shifting to the wall. 

"Megatron." 

"I have some reports that I need to drop off to you, shall I-"

"Leave them with Rodimus." Magnus cleared his throat, "captain paperwork should be collectively handed in."

"Of course." 

With a curt nod, Magnus moved to sweep past, but Megatron so very gently placed a hand onto his arm, freezing him to the spot. He looked down at the grey hand that contrasted with his blue and tried not think about how much he used to love that colour against the real part of him.

 "Minimus-" 

"Ultra Magnus, _Captain_."

"No, no to me. I see beneath, do you not understand?" 

As he gazed into the intense optics of Megatron, Magnus' face flickered with confusion and a slight tinge of anger for a moment. He wrenched his arm away and diverted his optics, fixating on the rivets on the walls instead. 

"There is no _beneath_ , Megatron, this is me, this is who I have been for so long-" 

"But never truly."

"...the armour I wear is a part of my identity and if disgusts you so-" 

"No!" Megatron's optics flashed, "no, never! I merely meant that you do not need to hide from me." 

"I am not hiding!" Magnus snapped, "I am doing my job as SIC and enforcing whatever rules and regulations there are to be enforced! Maybe if you could just do your job as professionally as I do, we could just-just, carry on as before, as it should have been!"

Megatron felt as though he'd been shot through the spark. His fuel lines ran cold at the confirmation that their relationship was over before it had even truly begun.

Maybe before he would have raged. He would have beaten his fists against the walls and screamed at the injustice of it and let the anger take control. But that was before Minimus and before he'd been shown there was a better way. Instead, his optics dimmed and he nodded slowly. 

"If that is your wish, Ultra Magnus." 

"Yes. Yes it is, Captain." 

He pulled his arm back and threw his shoulders back, trying to feel a little less small next to the mech who always towered over him, even when he was in his irreducible form. 

"Very well. I shall see you at our next officer's meeting." 

"Yes. Until then." 

Magnus span on his heels and retreated back the way he'd come. He unlocked and relocked his door four times before he entered, sliding himself down against the door in his own safe space. His vents came in quick heaves, his frame shuddering. 

No more. He'd do everything properly and nothing would go wrong. 

* * *

 

Aboard the _Gone Honeymoonin',_ the occupant in it was bringing it to life with flicks and clicks on the control panel, his processor set on the task at hand. He had to do this, and no one could stop him.

“Drift.” 

He'd already unsheathed one of his swords, pointing it lazily behind him even though he knew deep down there was no threat with the mech who had not so subtly made his way onboard.

“You come to reprimand me _captain_?”

“Damn, don't _you_ call me captain that gives me shivers.”

Rodimus threw himself down into the seat that had been claimed by Ratchet on their long adventure, swivelling it a little and suddenly scrunching his face up as he thought about how this had been their honeymoon shuttle and with a honeymoon, there was nearly always interfacing.

“I just realised, I probably don't want to touch anything in here do I?” 

Drift sheathed his sword and sat down rather than leaning over the control panel, sighing heavily. 

“...Definitely don't go near the wash rack.” 

Rodimus face palmed and kicked his feet up onto the panel, making sure it was clear of anything important. 

“You're a minx, my amica endura, you know that right? So where we going?” 

“We?” 

“I think I'm probably stuck to the chair-” 

“-gross!”

“-so yeah, we.” 

Drift met Rodimus’ gaze. He gave him the small smile that he reserved for genuine reasons and Drift sighed, diverting his optics away. Rodimus could always see right through him.

“Someone is asking after Bonnie.” 

“That's what the brawl was about.” 

“How did you know?” 

“I went down there to smooth it out with the greatest Autobot ever ever ever, of course he managed to get the truth out of someone.”

“Did they say why?” 

“No, we just got told someone overheard one of these guys was asking after a dog and Sunny took a swing at someone.” 

Drift gave a small nod. His spark was aching for a loss that he was sure was about to happen and his fists clenched with anger at the universe that seemed to want to take everything away from him. It wasn't fair.

“I can't let someone take her Rodimus, if I lose her and…” 

“Listen, we'll go down there and we'll sort this out.” Rodimus grinned, “like old times yeah? You and me, but if you call me _that name_ , I'll have to kick your aft.” 

Drift couldn't help himself, he threw himself over at his best friend and kissed his face, pulling him in close to him. Several tears escaped his shuttered optics, surely he would always have this mech, the Universe wouldn't take him away too, at least, not permanently.

Rodimus laughed a little and pulled him in close too, his spark fluttering with love. He always had Drift, always.

“You've got me, I know I'm not Ratty or Bons, but still, always okay?” 

“Thank you,” his voice was muffled, “I don't know what I'd do without you.” 

Rodimus wanted to make the joke that everyone would expect him to make, that he'd go off and get drunk off his face, but this was just him and Drift so instead he ex-vented and murmured quietly. 

“I wouldn't know what to do without you either.” 

“Get really drunk?” 

“Yeah okay smart aft. C'mon, if Ratchet catches us doing something he disapproves of he'll come to find us and scowl at us in person and I get enough scowling off Megs to last me a lifetime!"

Drift pulled away and wiped his tears away with the back of his arm, before Rodimus stopped him. He tenderly used a digit to swipe them away and smiled. 

He would always have Rodimus. 

* * *

 

They had spent some time walking around the streets of Velocitron, both of them alert and ready to spring at any sight of trouble but for once they were in luck. There was nobody prowling the streets, no mischief lying in wait for them. Drift was frustrated and he kicked at the floor.

“I don't know why I thought this would work, we can't just wander around hoping to find these guys.” 

“Eh, you know us, trouble normally comes to us, especially _me_."

Drift went to reply then went still. Rodimus raised an optic ridge at him and stopped too, turning back to ask what was wrong when he saw exactly what was wrong out of the corner of his optic. 

Bonnie lowered her head. 

“Oh baby, you are in _so_ much trouble.” Rodimus sighed, holding his helm.

“Bonnie.” 

She lowered her head even more and tiptoed over to where Drift was waiting. She lay down at his feet and let out a soft whimper as if she were apologising.

“I told you to stay, you know that.” 

“Don't give her a hard time, I told her to _not_ stay.” 

Drift still hadn't moved but Rodimus watched as he flicked his optics in annoyance at the other mech who had spoken.

“Neither of you listen to me do you?” 

“Us?” Ratchet laughed, “coming from you two.”

“You know I'm worried about bringing her down here-”

“Ah ah ah, you said you were going to let her pick, was that before or after you beat the scrap out of someone?”

Drift clenched his hands. It was merely an admittance of guilt.

“At least you didn't deny it.” 

“Ratch, I'm here to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid.”

“Oh right the _hothead_ is here to make sure no one gets in a fight.” 

“Hey!” 

Rodimus folded his arms over his chest with a scowl as Ratchet came towards them, standing beside Drift. He wanted to reach out to his conjunx, but he knew he would only get pushed away further.

“Only I'm allowed to make jokes about how stupid and rash I am.” 

“Look," Ratchet spoke softly, "you wanted to let her pick Drift, so let her.” 

Drift was seething with anger. He didn't want the universe to take everything away from him and if he had to beat someone to make sure they didn't take Bonnie, he would. He hadn't moved, his fists still clenched and his optics still trained down on the dog. 

“You just don't want her to pick, because you're scared she won't pick you.” 

“That's not…” 

But he let the lie die before they were even out. She hadn't picked him before, so why would she pick him this time?

“I know she means a lot to you, to all of us, but she should have her own choice. Bon,” the dog looked up at Ratchet, “you want to stay?” 

Before she could do anything there was a shout from down the road. All of them snapped their helms up, Drift's hand going to the hilt of his swords and his optics darkening. Rodimus put a hand out towards him, warning him not to do what he wanted to.

There were two thin mechs, badly looked after, stumbling towards them. They were both cobalt blue and their shining optics were trained on Bonnie, mouths set into a crooked grin. 

“Blaze!”

Bonnie suddenly stood, her gaze trained on the two mechs and one of them stepped even closer, arms outstretched.

Rodimus stepped between, “close enough.”

“Close enough? Who the frag are you to tell me?” One of the mechs snarled, “back up.”

“Mate, listen, I don't even listen to _Megatron_ why would I listen to you?”

Rodimus grinned whilst the two mechs exchanged a confused look. The one that had stepped closer barked out a harsh laugh and pointed aggressively.

“Pfft what a load of scrap, Megatron is dead.”

“Oh Primus, I wish I could bring him down here and prove you wrong.”

The flame coloured mech tilted his helm and had to push Drift back just a little more with his arm. The tension was rising and Ratchet was the only one apparently sensible enough to try and cool it. He stepped up, not daring to look over at Drift, he knew he wouldn't like the look on his face. 

“Rodimus." It was a warning, "what do you two want?” 

“That's our dog! What you doing with it?”

Ratchet felt Drift's field flare with anger behind him and he put a hand back, out flat to placate him. Rodimus shifted just in front of the white mech, protective of the medic.

“Yours? We found her lost on Gigantion.” 

“That's where those fraggers took 'em!” 

“What do you mean?” Rodimus frowned.

The two cobalt mechs looked shifty in synchronisation and then they began to tell the story of Bonnie's origins.

“They were racing dogs, and we picked this one up. They chucked it out because of the leg thing but we thought hang on, maybe it can't race anymore but maybe it can give us dogs that can.” 

“We were gonna sell 'em, Running Ablaze was pretty good until another dog attacked it.” 

“Yeah, so we thought more dogs and we can get some money. Till some dog rights activists or whatever took all the dogs and set 'em free.” 

Rodimus rolled his optics and turned, frustrated by what he was hearing. Bonnie had been failed over and over, there was no wonder she had found it so hard to trust her current keepers. 

Ratchet didn't move, he just watched the mechs carefully. They were looking at where Bonnie had crept forward, her optics intense and her head tilted a little at the two mechs. 

“C'mon, Blaze, let's go.” 

The cobalt mech clicked his fingers expecting the dog to come but she didn't move. He frowned and clicked more insistently when she just tilted her helm even further. 

“C'mon!” 

“Why don't you let her decide what she wants to do?” 

“Pfft, it's just a dog.” 

Ratchet frowned but as he went to speak, Drift's low vocals came from behind. 

“She knows what she wants. Ask her, what she wants to do.” 

The two mechs looked between each other and shrugged like it was easy.

“Fine. Dog, you coming with us?” 

Bonnie straightened her head and glanced up at Ratchet. The white mech sighed and gave her a strained smile, crouching down to ruffle around her ears in case it was the last time he would ever get to. 

“You get a choice, you can stay or you can come with us.” 

Bonnie glanced up at Rodimus too who smiled at her sadly, but she didn't look over at Drift. After she licked Ratchet's face, she stepped forward and the two cobalt mechs laughed nastily feeling victorious. 

"Told ya." 

"Our dog. That's it, c'mon."

But once Bonnie was in arm's reached, she walked right past them in an arc, past the mechs and behind Ratchet and Rodimus to go sit by Drift's feet. She lolled her tongue and looked up at him, her optics sparkling. 

He had to stifle a laugh of relief. 

The two mechs were furious and one of them gestured madly at Drift.

“That's stupid!” 

“You did something to make her go to him.” 

Ratchet shrugged, “maybe she just made her decision.” 

Suddenly, Ratchet had a blaster pointed at him and Drift swept forward, but the other mech pulled one out too and aimed it low at where Bonnie had stood in front of the medic.

“If we can't have her, then you can't either.”

“Don't you dare, don't you dare-” 

Drift was shaking with fear and anger. He was banking on losing Bonnie but not like this, never like this. As he started to draw his sword, Rodimus caught his wrist and grinned just a little too brightly.

“Drift. S'fine, you guys just want money right?” 

“Rodimus-”

“Ratch, shush. You want money, lemme see what I've got, hmm," he fished in his subspace with his free hand, "oh this card is good for 20 grand and umm this one is… oh look at that, 50 grand, how's-”

But the cards were snatched out of Rodimus’ grip quickly, both the blasters suddenly lowered as the two mechs looked at the cards. Their faces were twisted in thought, giving Ratchet a chance to shoo Bonnie back, away from the threat.

“For real?” 

“Nah, surely not, he's not shiny enough for someone worth something.” 

Rodimus’ optics darkened and before Ratchet could stop him, he'd dived forward to wrench the blaster out of their hands. Drift joined in too, unwilling to let his friend do it alone and landed a punch onto the other mech. Ratchet went over to Bonnie to stop her jumping in and getting hurt too.

“Stay.”

There was a small scuffle, Rodimus wrestling the blaster out of the grasp of the mech and getting a punch for his trouble. He swung his arm around with the blaster still in it, smacking it against the mech's nose. He howled with pain, distracting his friend who was fighting with Drift long enough for the white mech to grab him, pinning his arms up his back. 

Luckily, it was over before it even really began as a grey Velocitronian skidded to a stop and transformers into her root mode.

“Alright, enough.” The grey officer had her own blaster out, “no more playing silly bastards. Oh, _what a surprise_ , Zip and Tag roughing up tourists.” 

A few other Velocitronian police officers skidded to a halt and transformed, backing up their superior officer. Ratchet had to do a double take, he knew her somewhere he just wasn't sure where. 

She pointed at Drift, “let him go, kid, we've got this.” 

“They stole our dog, Connie, c'mon, what d'ya expect us to do?!”

“It's _Officer Constraint,_ just because Pursuit used to let you call him Pursy." She lowered her gun and placed a hand to her helm, "Look, you're under arrest, you two were behind that brawl the other day too. You want your rights or can you recite them to yourselves by now?” 

The grey femme motioned at her officers to take the two troublesome mechs away before she turned her attention to the Cybertronians, a slight grimace on her face. 

“You guys pick all the wrong places to be, huh? We gonna have to wrestle you down to the station for statements or you gonna come willingly?" 

But Ratchet managed to disarm her in one swoop, crossing his arms over his chest.

“You're Pursuit's sister.” 

It was a statement, not a question and the femme narrowed her optics at Ratchet, wary of where this was going.

“Excuse me?” 

“Pursuit, down at the race track, we met him a while back. I knew there was something he wasn't telling me, but now I get it, he used to be a cop.” 

Constraint rolled her optics, relaxing her shoulders, “even though he moans about how it hurts to transform, he could still help us down at the precinct. Listen, what's this about a stolen dog?” 

Ratchet filled her in, with some help from Drift and Rodimus nodding enthusiastically in the background. Sometimes he knew when it was best to stay quiet.

Constraint had dropped to her knees as she listened, fussing Bonnie who was lapping up all of the attention gratefully, rolling on her back and giving the cutest face she could manage. She was smiling as she took in all the information, her expression fading a little when she spoke.

“Guys, look I'm sorry to do this to you but… you need actual documentation to own a cyberdog nowadays. There's rules and regulations, to at least try to stop some of the things happening that happened her before. Seems like this cute girlie was no exception."

“But she-” 

Drift stepped forward and Ratchet held him back, watching Constraint. She gave a small smile and straightened herself to stand. 

"It's just a guess but the race track would have been the last place to have her real documentation. Pretty lucky you know someone who works at the race track, huh? If you hand over previous documentation in the next twelve cycles and we can change ownership over, I won't have to take her down to the kennels. And, eh, I guess I should take her in now but,” she scrunched her face up playfully at the dog, “I've got two other mechs I'd rather stuff in a dog cage.” 

Drift was still, trying to take in what Constraint was saying. Bonnie could be theirs properly and he'd never have to worry about losing her in that way ever again. It seemed too good to be true and he was thankful that on his and Ratchet's previous journey they had managed to find friends. He exvented shakily and leaned into Rodimus who patted his back.

"It's okay." He whispered, "you got her."

“Thank you.” Ratchet smiled at the officer, “we'll make sure we do it properly.” 

Constraint nodded and then changed into her alt mode, revving her engine and following the direction her officers had gone.

When they got down to the race track, Pursuit was already waiting outside for them and when he saw Rodimus he narrowed his optics a little. 

“Ah, you. Not coming to cause anymore trouble are you?” 

Rodimus blinked and looked over at Drift for answers. He didn't know this mech and he had a bad feeling he was known for maybe all the wrong reasons here. He hunched his shoulders and held out a hand.

“Umm?” 

“You crashed, lad, you took that bend _stupidly._ ”

“Oh. That. Yeah, sorry, I don't remember, probably better that way.” Rodimus smiled sheepishly, “um, sorry?” 

Pursuit eyed him carefully then turned back to Ratchet who was watching with amusement. He pointed but there was a fondness to his vocals when he spoke.

“You keep your optics on him ambulance. Come on, think I know where to find all of those old dog racing records.” 

As Pursuit led them down to his office, Ratchet making small conversation with him, Drift dropped back to talk to Rodimus, Bonnie sticking alongside him.

“Roddy.” 

“Yeees?” 

“Why did you have cards with nearly 50,000 shanix on them?”

“Oh that.” Rodimus grinned, “holoforms.”

“What?” Drift furrowed his brow with a smirk, "they're not real?"

“Well, holoform Rodimus is just as skint as the real one, but his cards are as fake as he is. Gave me an idea to try, I asked Brainstorm to make me some in case anyone tried to rob us again.” 

Drift blinked and took Rodimus' wrist. 

“Steal from you… _again?_ ” 

“Oh damn, I missed that story out. Okay, later I'll tell you alright? Maybe it's because all I could think about was holoform Thunders. _Damn_.” 

Drift laughed with a shake of his helm, letting go of his wrist. The flame coloured mech gave him a small smile and then motioned down to where Bonnie was walking between them. 

“She picked you.”

“I know.” 

“Not Ratchet.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Because you were the one who wanted to save her. She knew Drift.” 

He was speaking softly, glad for his friend and relieved that he wouldn't have to miss someone sleeping on his feet when he was at his desk.

“Maybe she just knows I would have hurt those guys if she hadn't stepped in.” 

“One of them caught me right across here,” Rodimus held his jaw, “still hurts now.” 

“S'alright. Still cute.” 

They exchanged a grin and made their way into the room the mech's ahead had already disappeared to. Pursuit was clinging cabinets open, humming to himself as he work and when he suddenly found it, he produced it with a flourish. 

“Ta-da! She's all yours.” 

“Thank you so much, we can't do anything to tell you how much this means to us.” 

Drift picked up the dog and she excitedly licked his face whilst Ratchet shook Pursuit's hand, both of them grateful that their family would stay together for at least a little while longer.

“Hey, before you guys go, Connie wanted me to do something else for you. She appreciates you helping her get Zip and Tag, they deal some dodgy things on the side as well as rough up tourists. So,” Pursuit gestured to the exit, “the race track is totally free. Of course, we've still got emergency personnel on site, but go knock yourselves out for a few laps. You, not _literally_.” 

The tall grey mech pointed in Rodimus' direction, his dark optics glinting with humour. Rodimus held up his hands and grinned as charmingly as he could manage. 

"Captain's honour I'll be good this time."

“We can really go out there?" Drift was buzzing with excitement, "they wanted to take us down the station too."

“Yeah well, like I said, Connie is pretty grateful and she'd just like your statement when you go drop off the dog's documentation, but seriously, if I have to drag his aft off that bend again-”

“He'll behave, won't you Rodimus?”

There was no answer to Ratchet as the two speedsters ran down to the pit garages, Bonnie barking excitedly between them. Drift looked at her sadly when he was at the entrance to the garage, Rodimus already transforming and revving loudly in front of him.

“Sorry sweetspark, you'll have to wait here.” 

“Bonnie, stay with me.” Ratchet patted his leg for her and then smiled at Drift, “have fun.” 

Drift blew him a kiss and transformed, Rodimus creeping off out of the lane, obeying the speeds and his friend following. 

Bonnie whined lowly and look up at Ratchet, sad to be left out. He smiled sadly, then he had an idea. 

"It's not fair they have all the fun, right girl?" 

Drift and Rodimus were having a blast, both of them steadily making their way around the twisting tarmac, no competition between them only fun. It made Drift realise that they'd probably both needed some time to relax, since he'd gotten back from his holiday with Ratchet, everything had been non stop.

As they completed the first lap and passed the pits, they had a surprise waiting for them.

Bonnie barked from the half open window of the red and white emergency vehicle her tongue lolling in the air rushing past. 

“Ratchet?!”

“No way!"

"I might not be fast, but why should you get all the fun?" 

They spent a short time around the race track, Ratchet taking it steadily in his more cumbersome alt mode but he loved watching Drift take the corners daringly up close, and he had to laugh when Rodimus tried to do the same and harmlessly span out. 

He grumbled, “I'm faster down the straights.” 

When they were done, they thanked Pursuit and made their way to the precinct to make Bonnie officially theirs. 

* * *

 

"Kid.” 

Drift onlined his optics drowsily. He was still basking in his post overload state but when he saw how Ratchet was rolled towards him, smiling he started paying attention. 

“Yeah?” 

“Thanks, for the new memories we made today. I'm glad I'll always be able to remember those, that's something that the end won't take from me.” 

“S'okay.” He said quietly, “just wish we could make them forever.” 

Ratchet took one of his hands and kissed it softly, all over without looking away from his beloved. 

“Almost forever will have to do.” 

Bonnie stirred from her bed under the desk with a shake of her head. She knew when to put herself out of their way when she felt Ratchet and Drift's fields tingle together, and usually she'd ask to be let out of the room, but since the ordeal on Velocitron, she didn't want to be far. She knew that the two mechs would take care of her and she didn't want them out of her sights.

“Bonnie.” 

Yawning, she padded over to the bed and leapt up clumsily, finding her way behind Ratchet's back. She lay down with a soft huff all curled up again.

Drift closed his optics again. 

“I guess so."


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you think your life is going to be all sunshine and rainbows forever, it hits you pretty hard when you find out it's not that way. Drift is struggling and everyone knows how good he is at pushing others away. 
> 
> _You put on a faith facade,_  
>  Think you're holy when you're not.  
> I hate to break it to you baby,  
> But you're simply lost.  
> You can right all the wrongs just to feel you belong,  
> But simply calling out sins don't bring you closer to God.  
> You're just a ghost at most,  
> A set of empty bones,  
> Searching for anything and everything to make you feel whole.  
> \- Pvris, Holy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, yes it's me shuffling in nervously! I am so so so sorry for the lack of updates and replies to comments, have my mile long list of excuses 🙈 I am hoping now my kiddos are back at school I'll have a little more time so I'll try to update every week. 
> 
> I just need to put it out there that this is by far not my favourite fic to write and I have thrown so many tantrums over it 😂 it gets ridiculous, just call me Rodimus. I really am trying my hardest and luckily I have my lovely proofreader Iddy 😘 (who you can find being the best Starscream on Tumblr, tired-decepticon-leader.tumblr.com). If you wanna shout at me for throwing tantrums over writing you can find me on Tumblr as tiredandgrumpymedic.tumblr.com. 
> 
> Anyway, this is a long one so get comfy and grab some snacks 👌

Neither of them were even sure how it started, one moment it was gentle kisses and touches and the next was blazing words and narrowed optics. Luckily Bonnie wasn't there to bear witness to their word slinging.

"Me?! Who's the one who spends most of his time throwing a tantrum?" Ratchet laughed in disbelief, "since we got back I've hardly seen you crack a smile." 

"Under the circumstances, you'd think that would be understandable." 

"You're not the one dying!" 

"No, but I will." Drift growled, "there's only so much loss and grief one mech can take." 

Ratchet took a seat heavily on the edge of the berth, worrying his hands together, the one part of him that would live way past his old frame. Drift was pacing still, wearing a hole down into the floor of their hab suite. His fists were clenched tight and when he looked at Ratchet, it was with optics that were barely slits of light in his face. 

"Don't be so ridiculous, you're going to let my death drag you down? After everything? That's it, you'll just give up?" 

"What else am I supposed to do?! How else am I suppose to carry on?!" 

"Well, you do have your _faith._ " 

That stopped Drift in his tracks, swinging an arm around to point accusingly. 

"Don't start this-" 

"Why? Because perhaps you don't like me pointing out how it's been tossed aside recently?" Ratchet rose with a wince, "funny isn't it? How you managed to find Primus only when you were staring Death in the face, and yet here I am, doing the same, and you don't see me falling to my knees." 

Drift leaned forward, "take it back."

"You not being as holy as you make out or the truth? Doesn't matter, they're both the same." 

The words stung as Ratchet knew they would but he was consumed by anger, at the world, at his frame, _at Drift_ , and whilst the medic was playing dirty, the swordsmech would too. He snarled at his conjunx, face twisted with fury.

"At least I'm not weighed down by ghosts, ones I didn't get to save. At least when I took a life, I _meant_ it." 

Ratchet pulled himself straight, locking gazes with Drift who was looking as intimidating as he could manage, his plates bristled and his helm held high. Neither were backing down and both were going to be regretful. 

"And what was that like? Watching someone's optics flicked out when you snuffed their spark? Did you enjoy it, _Deadlock_?"

The white mech quickly stepped forward, pressing his chest against Ratchet's and bringing their faces only inches apart. 

"What's it like knowing you _failed_ over and over, doc? We're just the same, too many dead on our conscience and too much spilt energon on our hands." 

"Get out." 

"No." 

" _Get out._ " Ratchet spoke lowly, his features pulled into a grimace, " _now_."

"Or what? You'll _hurt_ me? I hurt enough, I don't need any help from you." 

"Drift." 

"Ratchet." 

They stood like that with their sparks burning with rage at one another for a few moments, until Ratchet's knee began to protest under the pressure and he had to sit back down. For a moment, Drift's optics softened and he crouched to speak but Ratchet cut him off, putting a hand up to create another barrier between them.

"Just don't. Go." 

"I…" 

"You have no excuses worth hearing, and neither do I." 

He turned his helm away, optics offlined. There was a flicker of sadness across Drift's face until the anger jump started him again. He rose and crossed the room, palming the keypad and halting in the doorway. With helm tilted down and slightly to the side, he spoke. 

"I can't deal with this." 

"And neither can I." 

"You're doing a damn sight better than me." 

"...no I'm not." 

Sighing, Drift left, leaving Ratchet to his very dark and lonely thoughts. 

* * *

 

Down at Swerve's, there wasn't an awful lot of company to choose from, except the bartender himself, Sunstreaker, still talking loudly after his broken audial, with his crowd, and someone else he felt might understand a little of how he was feeling seated at the bar. 

"Megatron. Can I buy you a drink?" 

The ex-warlord looked up with dim optics, his face set into a heavy frown and he nodded, tucking his arms further into himself. Drift motioned at Swerve and the bartender jitterily got both ex-Decepticons their drinks before retreating back to the safety of other end of the bar. 

"It is not often I see you here without Rodimus." 

"Yeah, well," Drift took a gulp of his drink, "Rodimus shouldn't be down here, he has enough to handle without engex dependency again." 

"Quite." 

Megatron reached out for his drink, sloshing it around in the cube thoughtfully. Just as Drift was about to speak, Megatron beat him to it. 

"I suppose that you feel cheated." 

A little startled by the soft tone from Megatron, Drift shifted nervously in his chair. 

"Um?" 

"Oh come on now, Drift, the doctor who saved countless lives is the one destined to fade away, whilst I sit here, undeserving of taking even another vent?" Megatron slammed his drink down, "but then again, the Universe is a curious and cruel thing." 

"I'm not here to tell you it deserves to be you, Megatron, I'm here because… well, I feel _I_ deserve this." 

Megatron lifted his optic ridges in surprise, "come again?" 

With a sigh, Drift started, his mouth running way ahead of his processor and fuelled by all of the pent up feeling in his spark.

"I deserve to suffer, for all of the suffering I inflicted. It wouldn't be fair right? To take _me_ away, it would be too easy, I wouldn't have to pay for my mistakes any more but now? Now I have to watch the person I love, _yet again_ , get ripped from this existence with only myself to blame. If only I had been more deserving of Ratchet, then maybe he would have gotten to live forever." 

He hung his helm, ashamed of the tears that tried to wriggle free of his optics. Suddenly, he felt a large arm around him and he went still, unsure whether it was a friendly embrace or not, but when Megatron spoke, it was with a deep soothing rumble meant to comfort.

"I understand your reasoning, I… too feel the same about sweet Minimus. I do not deserve him and as long as he is far away from me, he will not come to any harm, but that does not make the burden any less difficult to carry. We have both done many awful things, Drift, myself more so than you but… our punishment is living with that and having to remind ourselves what we have done with every passing cycle. Please, do not punish yourself any more." 

Stunned by not only the insightfulness but the tenderness behind Megatron's words, Drift could only nod. He supposed he had punished himself daily for the crimes committed when he was Deadlock, and he would have plenty more time to do that, but whilst he had Ratchet, maybe he should spend the time more wisely. He just hated that it was easier said than done.

"Thank you." He whispered, "why don't you take your own advice?" 

Straightening his back strut and downing the rest of his drink, Megatron sighed and lowered his helm.

"Because my dear mech, I am beyond redemption, no matter how much punishment I receive." 

"But-"

"Hush now. There is little else to say." 

As Megaton took his arm away from behind Drift's back, the white mech considered that perhaps living with a guilty conscience that tormented even unconscious moments and toyed with emotions with every passing day, was plenty punishment enough.

* * *

 

"Go away." 

Rodimus sighed dramatically then looked down at where Bonnie was staring at the door, wagging her tail slowly. She had come to find the captain after no one would answer the hab suite door and she could smell it was occupied.

"But it's your favourite captain, you have to answer Ratch." 

He glanced around the corridors, no one else to be seen and flexed his fingers. When a few moments passed and Ratchet still hadn't answered, Rodimus touched the entry pad to put in his override code when the door flew open. Ratchet stood, waiting. 

"What do you want Rodimus?" 

The medic sounded even more tired than he looked and Rodimus tried not to sigh again at the state of him. It was obvious he'd been crying and that he was in pain.

Rodimus tried a softer tone, "Ratch. Please." 

The medic retreated back into his hab suite, hobbling slightly and took a seat on the berth. Bonnie went bolting in, nuzzling against him but he made no effort to fuss her. He looked broken and Rodimus nearly fled in his panic that he wouldn't be able to fix him but instead he closed the door and took a seat beside his friend. 

Ratchet still didn't move and Rodimus fussed with a helm flare whilst he considered what to say.

"...I heard that Whirl is the new bodyguard in the medbay. How's that working out?" 

"Awful. They don't have anyone to treat, because they're too scared of being bombarded with _'and what exactly do you think is wrong with you? Do you want me to give you something wrong with you?'_." 

Rodimus snorted in response. Trust Whirl to provide some comic relief from the day to day grind.

" _Amazing_. At least the workload is light right? Gives you less to do." 

For a moment Ratchet lifted his helm and met Rodimus' optics before he looked away again, his field flaring with _shame_ and _sadness._

"...First Aid took me off the procedures rota, I'm only allowed to do the paperwork now." 

"Really?" Rodimus frowned, "why?" 

"He said I should concentrate on resting for now." Ratchet spoke quietly, "his last scan showed that I'm deteriorating faster than expected." 

That made the speedster quiet too. Ratchet had always had his work and the whole reason he'd been so grumpy at the beginning of the Lost Light journey was that it was being taken away by his deteriorating hands. Now it was coming to fruition again but this time he was despondent, it wasn't just his work he was losing, it was everything.

"How long Ratch?" 

"I don't know. I don't want to know." 

"You didn't use the death clock?" 

"Don't call it that. But no, I didn't." 

"...CD and Rewind get married next week, why don't you and Drift get married quietly after that?" 

"Because that's not what he wants, that's not what I want. I'm not even sure he wants to be married to me any more." 

"Don't be ridiculous, of course he does, he's just… angry." 

"At me." 

Rodimus smiled sadly, reaching over to take Ratchet's hands gently. He rubbed his thumbs across the back of them in soothing circles, wishing he could take some of the pain away from elsewhere with comforting touches.

"No, himself. He thinks that… thinks this is the way the world is punishing him for what he's done." 

"Ridiculous." Ratchet huffed with derision, "that's not how this works, it's just bad fragging luck and a hard life." 

Noncommittally, Rodimus shrugged. He wasn't sure why exactly this had happened, all he knew was that it was terrible and he wished he could change it. 

"I don't know, I just know that he loves you, a lot. He cried last night, when he came into me. Luckily Thunders was on duty, not sure how he would have handled that but, anyway. He's cut up really badly Ratch, I know it's easy to say, but he doesn't mean it." 

"...I said some pretty hurtful things." 

"And so did he probably. You can get past this." 

"No, I can't, Rodimus, it's killing me, not just physically but mentally now. I'm tired, I've had enough of hurting, inside and out." 

"No," Rodimus' optics flashed, "don't you dare give up, don't you fragging dare."

Ratchet's vents hitched, "it's so hard."

"I know, but that's why I'm here you daft slagger, I'm here to pick you back up again, and because you know Bons wouldn't stop scratching at my office door." 

He reached over to pat the dog, who was sat watching with bright optics. She nuzzled roughly against Rodimus' hand and then placed a paw onto Ratchet's knee. He hissed with the pain and pushed her down, the dog dropping her head and whimpering. 

"Sorry girl, it just hurts there." 

"Look, we'll find you a knee replacement then we can concentrate on the rest, alright? C'mon Ratch, you're as stubborn as they go, don't give up on that now."

With a small nod, Ratchet wiped his face and met Rodimus' optics. 

"And you're as upbeat as ever. Thank you." 

"Of course. You sure I can't convince you to come down to Hedonia and let yourself loose? I'll keep an optic on you." 

"Thanks, but no thanks. I'm going to try and finish reading all those books I wanted to before… you know." 

"Sure. If there's anything I can do?" 

"Appreciated." 

Rodimus leaned into the medic and put an arm around him, and for once, Ratchet returned the favour. 

* * *

 

Ratchet was going to kill him, Rodimus was entirely sure of that, and it wasn't going to be easy and quick either, not by a long shot. He was mostly definitely going to shout at him until he wished he was dead then shoot him, probably somewhere painful like a knee or something. You should never get on the wrong side of a medic, they knew exactly how to make a shot count. He groaned and palmed at his face. 

The night had started off well enough, a whole crowd of them descending on Hedonia for a outing of pure chaos. Of course there had been strict instructions from Megatron that anyone not back by a certain time would be dragged back by none other than Ultra Magnus and no one wanted to endure any more of his ridiculous punishments. He'd already given Swerve a dressing down over not organising his engex into alphabetical order and demanded that he did just that whilst also spacing the bottles exactly evenly apart. He had said it whilst wielding a ruler aggressively. 

With Rodimus mostly in charge of the night with some help from Thunderclash and supposedly Drift, he was sure that nothing bad would come to fruition, but they did have Whirl in tow, which meant that wasn't a guarantee.

They'd hit the exotic dancing clubs, the bars, the games tables and several shops that sold questionable items. Rewind and Tailgate had been escorted out by a panicked Chromedome when they started a fight with said questionable items, giggling and shrieking. Cyclonus had left too, smiling slightly. 

Whirl had been, surprisingly good, which only meant that something bad was surely going to happen involving him. What Rodimus hadn't counted on was that it wasn't Whirl that was the one in trouble. 

“Hey cap!” 

Rodimus was in a bar, watching some of the others dance as he looked longingly at the bottles stashed behind the bar. He sighed and stirred his plain energon. When he caught sight of Whirl and Velocity propping up Drift into the bar, his chin down on his chest, Rodimus bolted from his stool, flinging an arm out accusingly.

“What did you do?!”

“Me?” Whirl sounded incredulous, “why does everyone always think it's me?” 

“Because it usually is.”

Whirl was using one clawed hand to point at himself, optic narrowed in the best expression of disbelief whilst Rodimus leaned in closely to inspect Drift.

“Rodimus, it's fine, Drift is just-” 

Velocity started when she was interrupted by Drift wrenching free and flinging himself into Rodimus very suddenly. Everyone blinked in surprise, Whirl letting out a short laugh. The white mech meanwhile was a mumbling mess as he pressed his face into his amica's shoulder.

“Roddy!! You found him! You guys! You're just yeah you guys!” 

Rodimus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. When he was more composed, he made a shooing motion at where the other two were still standing and watching.

“I've got this, you two make sure no one else in your group causes trouble alright?” He said it at both of them, but he was looking at Velocity, “oh, and Lotty? Um maybe we shouldn't tell Ratchet?” 

“Oh, yeah!" She covered her mouth and the silly grin hiding behind it, "Probably for the best!”

They left Rodimus, snickering as they went and the flame coloured mech patted Drift's back, hoping he might let go at some point. 

“Buddy, you can let go.” 

“No can't. Don't wanna lose youuuu.” 

It was worse than Rodimus thought, Drift was totally intoxicated. He let out another sigh, trying to ground his feelings and pulled away to look his friend right in the optics so he could see if he was listening or not.

“Drift you know I put you in charge right? So why are you drunk?”

“'cause I was doing shots with Whirl and it was good! Because you know I could just buy like a billion!”

“...you didn't buy a billion shots did you?”

“Umm I ‘unno! Oh! LET'S DANCE!”

And then Drift was pulling Rodimus across to the dance floor animatedly without waiting for a response. Rodimus relented, if he was dancing he was possibly less trouble, especially when Drift was throwing himself all over him in the ridiculous way that he was. 

“Roddy, I love you! Have I ever told you?” 

Rodimus smiled, “yeah, you have.”

“No way! When?! Oh! Can we do more shots?!”

“I'm trying to not drink, remember?”

But Drift looked at him blankly for a moment before his optics lit up and he darted off, pushing past Rodimus. The captain sighed once again and turned to follow. 

He was proud that ever since he'd sworn off the engex, he hadn't touched a drop, but now in a bar surrounded by so many others, including his friend, getting so wasted they didn't have to think of any worries, he was tempted. It was like a heavy hand on his back, trying to pull him down and he was getting tired of shrugging it off, but that's what he did.

He found Drift sat at the bar watching the bartender fill a bucket up with various liquids and when it was full, it was placed on the bar in front of him. Rodimus took a seat beside him as he tipped it up and took a huge gulp. 

“Wow, and this is how I was." He muttered to himself, then addressed the other mech, "Drift, why are you getting so drunk? It's not like you.” 

“Life's too short right?! So enjoy it!”

"Ah."

Rodimus nodded. Of course that's what this was over. Life was way too short and Drift had learned that the hard way, too many times, and what was the point in thinking about consequences when it apparently didn't seem to matter. 

It wasn't the time to bring all of that up though, not with Drift vulnerable and with Rodimus unsure as to how he would react so instead he made sure his friend wasn't getting into anymore trouble other than getting more and more drunk and more and more affectionate.

By the time only a few of the crew were left dancing, he decided they better start heading back before he had Megatron on his back. 

He sent a group ping, it was just a klik of lapse in concentration of watching Drift and when he glanced up, he was gone. Rodimus checked the floor first, making sure Drift hadn't passed out but there was absolutely no sign of a flash of white of his amica. He groaned and called Thunderclash as he rose from the seat, scanning the dancefloor.

“TC, you haven't seen Drift right?” 

“No, as far as I was aware Whirl had left him with you.” 

Rodimus put his face into his hand and made a low sound like he wanted the ground to swallow him up. When Thunderclash spoke again, his vocals were tinged with concern.

“Rodimus? Are you okay?” 

“I've lost… I've lost Drift. I need to go find him, can you round up everyone else? Sorry to pass the buck but-”

“No, I understand. Try not to be late back to the ship, if you need me just call me.” 

“Thanks, you're the best you know that?” 

“So everyone tells me.” 

Rodimus managed a small smile as he ended the call and then he frowned seriously. 

He repeatedly called Drift until the calls were blocked and then he sent several pings too, each more irate than the last. He checked all of the other bars in the vicinity and worriedly asked around some of the shops that sold illicit substances but no one had seen Drift. 

So there was Rodimus, standing in the middle of the street of Hedonia. He'd have to call Ratchet. 

When he answered, Ratchet sounded tired like he'd just been woken up, his voice low and soft. 

“Rodimus?”

“Ratch! You know how you're my favourite-” 

“Cut the scrap. I've got him.” 

“What?! You've got Drift?” 

“Yeah, he came barging in declaring his undying love for the dog and then curled up on the berth. Must have hitched back on the first shuttle."

“Thank Primus,” Rodimus groaned, “but I'm going to kick his aft tomorrow.” 

“Join the club. Thank you, for keeping an optic on him.” 

“He gave me the slip?! How is that-?”

“I don't mean just tonight Rodimus,” Ratchet ex-vented hard, “I mean… when I can't. When I won't be able to, I know he'll have you and he'll be okay.” 

Rodimus tried to kid himself that his spark hadn't clenched at the thought of not having the medic around anymore, but when he felt his optics well up a little, he relented, rubbing an arm across his face. 

“Yeah, you know I've got him, no matter what.” 

“I'm eternally grateful. Now get your aft back up here before Megatron eyes up your captain seat and he tells us you decided to stay behind.” 

“That fragger totes would too. Okay I'm coming.” 

But as he was making his way back to the shuttle, he smiled to himself and decided to duck in just one shop before he left. 

* * *

 

Ratchet heard Drift groan as he came around from his recharge, and he swivelled his chair around, Bonnie lifting her head from where she was laying under the desk in her bed. They'd both decided to keep out of Drift's way after the night before and Ratchet had slept terribly as he dozed lightly in his chair. He was worried Drift might purge in his recharge and he wanted to be there in case.

“You okay kid?” 

He asked softly, knowing Drift was more than likely feeling worse than worse. 

“No.” He pulled the blanket over his helm, “feel like scrap.” 

“Anything I can do?”

But Drift answered with a groan. Ratchet chuckled and moved himself out of the chair stiffly, his knees protesting at the idea, causing him to grumble with pain. 

The blanket was flung from Drift's helm as quickly as anything, his dim optics peering out. 

"Are you okay?" 

"M'fine." Ratchet winced as he lied, "just stiff." 

"Did you sleep in your chair? Ratchet-" 

"It's fine kid." 

Whilst Ratchet spoke softly, Drift's words were verging on a growl. This is how their arguments usually went now, Drift's patience wearing thin at the world and Ratchet too tired to care. Bonnie whimpered and that made Drift bite his glossa.

The medic went over to Drift's desk, rummaging around in it for the pain relief he kept and swallowed it down quickly. He glanced over his shoulder at Drift and huffed a small laugh. 

The older that Ratchet got, the more in pain and stiff he was, Drift seemed to look younger and he was sure it was the fear in him, the way his optics went wide any time the medic was in pain. He knew it was ridiculous because in reality, there wasn't a lot of difference in their age but Drift had been through three frame upgrades whilst Ratchet had been clinging onto his one and only. It wasn't easy to replace forged medic parts these days, which was why he was in the predicament he was. 

"What?" 

Ratchet gave a tight smile then turned back. 

"I just forget how cute you are sometimes, when you're not scowling. It's nice to be reminded" 

Drift turned his helm away, throwing an arm over his face for good measure and muttering. 

"Don't." 

"Because it's true?" 

"Because… it'll be hard to remember all these things when you're…" 

"Then stop being so angry at me. Don't you see you're hurting yourself? Hurting _me_?" 

"It's not fair." Drift sat up swiftly, his optics flashing, "it's not fair that-" 

"And we've had this discussion Drift, life isn't fair and you sound like a sparkling having a tantrum, just don't." 

The air felt heavy even though they had both clamped their fields into themselves tightly. Drift rolled over, done with the argument. Ratchet sighed heavily and gestured at the door, even though his conjunx couldn't see. 

"I've got some work I need to go do, maybe you should sleep off that hangover." 

Drift merely mumbled in reply and Ratchet rolled his optics. Commanding Bonnie to stay, the medic ambled off to his job, that was no more than sitting at a desk these days. 

Drift dozed lightly, until he couldn't take the tossing and turning any more. When he finally pulled himself from the berth, he rummaged in the same drawer Ratchet had, finding some pain relief that was probably just a little too strong then set off to find Rodimus. 

"Little to the left, no, other left, yep, keep going, STOP! Perfect, and I get to look at your aft." 

Thunderclash threw a playful glare at Rodimus over his shoulder and pinned up the bunting he was standing on the bar in Swerve's to hang up. Rodimus snickered and as he turned to pick up some more, startled as Drift had crept up on him. 

"Primus! Drift! Slagger!" 

He pouted but Drift was in no mood for games. He slumped into the booth whilst Bonnie sat, tilting her helm. 

"Oh dear. What's this? Hungover? Or regret? Or a little bit of both?"

When Drift didn't reply, Rodimus waved his hand at Thunderclash to get down and sat on the bench opposite him, reaching across the table. 

"Buddy?" 

"I fragged up." 

"Getting a little drunk? Nah it's-" 

"Me and Ratchet. I shouldn't have ever…" 

Drift cut himself short as a sob caught in his vocaliser. Rodimus looked back over at Thunderclash and pointed at Bonnie, then the doorway. The bigger mech understood and whistled for the dog, who whined a little then followed him out of the bar. 

The two mechs were left to their own devices. 

"Drift-" 

"Save it Rodimus, it's true, I know it is. I should have never pursued him, I should have known better. It was all going to end in spark break, I just thought it was going to be mine, not his." 

"You can't beat yourself up like this, you were both happy, you had an amazing honeymoon and then you come back and-" 

"He's dying." Drift lifted his gaze, "my happiness never lasts." 

Rodimus physically bit his glossa to stop himself from saying what he wanted to. Instead he shrugged his shoulders noncommittally. 

"But it's true isn't it? Any time I'm close to someone they end up dead." 

"What about me?" Rodimus lifted an optic ridge, "I'm not dead, not from lack of trying, but, don't you think you're taking this a little _personally_? It's not like you're the one about to die." 

"But I will, at least inside." 

Throwing himself back against the chair, Rodimus groaned and palmed at his face. He was going to have to say it. 

"Listen here," he banged a hand down onto the table and fixed Drift with his blazing optics, "I've had enough of this self pitying, _selfishness_ from you. That's not you, you're the mech who would lay down his life for anyone, and now you're here complaining- no, _listen to me._ You are complaining, you're whingeing and moaning like you're the one being dealt a bad hand, and you're not, Ratchet is. You get to do whatever for the rest of your life and Ratchet at this rate is going to spend the rest of his life having to look at you sulking. Is that how you want him to spend the rest of his days? Miserable because you can't keep this scrap away from him. This is what I'm here for, you can rage and cry and scream at me all you like, but Drift, it's killing Ratch to bare this. You can see it." 

Drift hung his helm and tears dripped from his face.

"I can't bare this." 

"You have to. For his sake. Pull yourself out of this, you're falling apart and I'm not- I'm not watching you spiral down, I will drag you back up every single time you fall down for the rest of my life if I have to." 

There was a moment of quiet before Drift started to sob. Rodimus exvented softly and moved around to the other side, pulling him into his side so he could cry where it was safe, where he could let out everything. 

When he was done, he pulled away and nodded at Rodimus. 

"Thank you." 

"For what? Being handsome or being awesome? Either way, you're welcome." 

They both managed a small laugh and Rodimus lay back into the booth seat. 

"So, you're doing this wedding, what do you need for it?" 

"...there's just some I'd like to invite." 

"Sure! You name the places and we'll go." 

Drift nodded, fidgeting with his hands. He had something he wanted to ask Rodimus without putting any pressure on him. 

"Would you… could you… escort me to the wedding, wherever we have it? So I don't back out." 

"Mate," Rodimus' optics flashed, "are you kidding me? I'm gonna be there the morning of your wedding making sure you _sparkle_ with polish. I'll be there, whether you want me or not." 

"Please try not to outdo me." Drift rubbed at his face, "I want Ratchet to look at me, not you." 

"Drift, he looks at you like you're the only mech that ever existed every single day. I don't think you need to worry." 

The white mech lifted his optics and saw the look in Rodimus' optics. He meant it, every word. Suddenly, he rose and clambered over Rodimus.

"Drift?!"

"I've gotta go! I've gotta go see him and-and-... I'll see you later!" 

And with that, he left, leaving Rodimus to himself. The captain stretched and lay down in the booth. 

"Damn, it's hard having your scrap together." 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard to feel like you're facing something all on your own, but Drift needs to remember that he's not doing it alone. They take a trip to Gigantion and both Ratchet and Drift get the help they need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is REALLY long and there's lots of breaks but I didn't want to leave it halfway through. Anyway, the most important thing for me to say here if anyone feels that Drift and Ratchet are OOC, then I am really sorry but you have to remember what they're going through isn't easy and you never act like yourself when you're facing something so difficult. I was hesitant to write some of it, but Drift really is coming undone over this, and so is Ratchet, but he's a hell of a lot better at hiding it.  
> Honestly, feel free to tell me you don't like this or whatever, I take any constructive criticism, and I like to keep my readers happy, but also bear in mind a lot of this comes from my heart, from my own experiences and a lot of the time I just write without thinking too much. I know there will be parts people don't like and that's more than fair. I really do hope that, even if it is sad as anything, you do enjoy it. It'll pick up a little soon, I'm done with writing so much sad 🙈

Whilst Drift was dashing off to find his conjunx, Ultra Magnus was seated in his office like he usually was since he'd put his armour back on. He was tediously rewriting the ship's rules, adding in some extras that he felt were needed like  _ no overtaking in the corridors without the correct checking of behind, in front, beside and behind again _ and  _ under no circumstances must energon treats be consumed on the bridge _ . He checked his internal chronometre, glad to see he had at least another thirty kliks of allocated rule writing time before he had his shift on the bridge. 

He had managed to avoid working alongside Megatron, he wrote the rotas after all, and even though Rodimus had wheedled about being paired up with the ex-warlord rather than Drift or Thunderclash, he had made it clear than any wishes for rota changes must be submitted in writing a full week before the shift. That was too much work for Rodimus and so he  _ almost _ shut up and put up with it. 

Satisfied with his last rule of  _ under no circumstances is Whirl allowed near the engine room, the office of Ultra Magnus or the armoury unless cleared by Ultra Magnus,  _ the blue mech made his way cheerfully down to the bridge, carrying his sanctions paperwork along with him. 

"Good day Thunderclash, I see that you are prompt as always." 

But as Magnus went to take the seat next to the occupied one, he froze. Megatron moved his gaze from the console up to the other mech and nodded once.

"Ultra Magnus." 

"B-but, Thunderclash… was on duty with me."

"He submitted a rota change last week, on time, and it was signed by you. He showed me himself, I would not dare to flout the rules." 

There was a flash of panic across Magnus' face. Did he really sign a rota change and  _ forget _ ? No. That wasn't like him. 

He dived for the console, having to lean slightly over Megatron to do it, and brought up the rota onto the screen. 

_ Bridge assignment: Ultra Magnus and Megatron (edited).  _

He blinked. He furrowed his brow. Then he realised he was near enough laying over Megatron's lap and straightened quickly. 

"V-very well. I'm sure that under the circumstances we can manage." 

"Of course. Why would we ever not?" 

Magnus searched Megatron's face for any sign of humour or sarcasm but he couldn't find anything except defeat. With a deep exvent, Magnus took a seat and shuffled his paperwork noisily.

"Well, quite." 

For almost an hour they sat in silence until Magnus received a ping from Rodimus detailing a change of course. He spoke out loud as he sometimes did as he worked, forgetting momentarily that Megatron was beside him. 

"Gigantion. Hm. Peculiar." 

"Nice holiday destination." Megatron said softly, "if you don't mind rain."

"I am impenetrable to rain." 

"Of course. And humour." 

There was a hint of amusement in Megatron's vocals as he said it, but his face didn't change. Magnus placed his datapad onto his lap and looked over, straightening himself in his seat.

"I'll have you know I have quite a grasp on humour now." 

"Oh?" 

Magnus furrowed his brow trying to look serious but all he managed was looking rather cute. Megatron had to use all of his will power not to laugh.

"Yes I do. Thank you." 

He picked up his datapad and set his optics back onto his work, hoping the conversation was done with, but Megatron wasn't known for giving up easily.

"...if I can make you laugh will you agree to me exchanging a shift with Rodimus next week?" 

"I have  _ rules _ on changing the rota." 

"Of course. I apologise." Megatron paused, "just because you are slightly worried you won't enjoy my joke." 

Magnus put his datapad back into his lap again. He was slightly affronted by the thought that Megatron felt he had no sense of humour but he was trying his hardest to keep his distance. The last thing he wanted was for them to grow close again, but what could a couple of jokes hurt?

"I do enjoy jokes. Thank you… but if you also submit it in writing, I will consider the rota change." 

Slyly, Megatron smiled. He cleared his intake and shifted in his seat, leaning closer to Magnus.

"How do you stop Decepticons sneaking on board the Ark?" 

"Well I hardly see what that has to do with humour? Obviously you-" 

"Install a Grimlock." 

Magnus looked across at Megatron, his brow furrowed once again. He understood, but it was hardly humourous.

"Oh." 

"Seems I need to pull the big guns out. How do you know if Soundwave is hungry?" 

Magnus answered with a shrug. 

"He has a  _ Rumble _ in his midsection."

"But he  _ does _ ? Well, rather his chest but-"

Megatron couldn't help it, he startled to chuckle and it snowballed into a roar of laughter as he clutched at his midsection. At first Magnus merely watched on confused, until he let out a soft giggle and Megatron, still shaking with laughter, pointed at him. 

"Y-you laughed. I-I get-get to change my-my shift!" 

Magnus tried to put on a serious face, but his mouth still twitched at the corners and as Megatron finally calmed, he exvented heavily and pointed at the rota still on the screen. 

"This shift, if you would be so kind." 

Magnus leaned over to look at which he had to swap and he raised his optic ridges in surprise as Megatron pulled out a datapad to put the request for a shift change in writing. 

"The shift… with me?" 

"You said you would change it, if I put it in writing did you not?" 

Magnus met the other mech's optics and for a moment he was lost. All the feelings that he had pushed down came rushing back up to the surface and he was overwhelmed, fighting back the urge to close the gap between them and- 

"Yes!" He snapped his gaze back to the screen, "of course. Rules are rules." 

"And we all know how important they are to you. I will go acquire some energon for us both, if you are happy to man the bridge alone for a moment?" 

All Magnus could do was nod in reply, but as Megatron left, he found himself twisting in his chair and watching the dark grey mech leave. Maybe matters of the spark weren't so easily avoided. 

* * *

 

With his spark spinning wildly, Drift hurried down to the medbay where Ratchet had disappeared off to work and when he rounded the corner into the room and didn't find him seated at his desk, frowned heavily. Velocity looked over from where she was wiping down a berth and gave a small smile. 

"Bonnie came running down here with Thunderclash, he and Ratchet left a little while ago." 

In reply he nodded and turned, wondering where they could have gone when he heard voices down the hallway, just around the corner but coming closer. Drift paused, listening carefully. 

"-and it'll take time, but I'm sure everything will be okay." 

Ratchet sighed, "yeah, well, maybe I'm just a little bit sick of  _ everything _ right now." 

Drift knew he shouldn't have, but he did it anyway. He crept back along the corridor and found a storage cupboard to duck into so he could listen into the conversation between Thunderclash and Ratchet as they rounded the corner to stand outside the medbay.

"You don't mean that Ratchet, Drift is just…" 

"Difficult and angry, and that's not what I need. I just want to be able to talk about what's going on without someone looking at me like I'm going to just drop dead on them." 

"I've tried." 

"...I know 'Clash, thank you." 

"Any time okay?" Thunderclash patted Ratchet's shoulder gently, "I'm always here for you." 

Drift had heard enough. Jealousy rose up in him even though he hated himself for feeling it. Ratchet was confiding in Thunderclash, when he should be confiding in Drift and even though he knew he'd only brought it upon himself, the words had stung him badly. 

_ That's not what I need _ . 

Ratchet was right. But it hurt. 

He closed the storage door and slid himself down against the wall. At least here where he was quiet and he was alone, his tears could fall freely. 

* * *

 

Eager to have a break from the stifling confines of his home, Drift was the first one out of the shuttle that landed on Gigantion, Bonnie not far behind. Tensions were still high between he and Ratchet, and so the medic had sat with Thunderclash on the way there, much to Drift's disdain. 

Rodimus bounded out after Drift, cocking an optic ridge at the lush scenary. 

"Wow, this is beautiful. Bons is happy."

The cyber dog had sprinted off into the distance, sniffing down the hill all the way into town. Drift shrugged in response.

"Oh c'mon, you really gonna be like that here?! You haven't stopped going on about this place? Just because you and Ratchet had a spat-" 

"It's more than that." 

Rodimus stopped himself, frowning. When he'd caught Drift in a bad mood, he'd thought it had been because of another argument between he and his conjunx, but apparently it was a lot more serious than that. 

"Oh." 

Drift didn't want to talk about it and Rodimus felt it through his field. He clamped his mouth shut and carried on after his amica. 

They reached the bottom of the hill and Drift had to smile at the two mechs he recognised waiting for them. Mach was leaning affectionately into Jostle and when they saw them, they started to wave manically. 

"Alright Drift! How ye doin' pal? An' this wee lad mus' be Rodimus!" 

"Wee?" Rodimus pointed at himself, "is that a dig at my  _ height _ ?" 

Bonnie was jumping up at Mach and he was ruffling around her ears, talking to her in his own language. She woofed excitedly in return. Drift shook Jostle's hand who picked him up into a tight hug. 

"Ah s'good tae see ye! How's ye been?" 

"Yeah, fine. You guys?" 

"Aye! Where's ye wee handsome husband eh?" He dropped his voice, "Sorry about ye scrap news, mus' be hard on ye both." 

"Thanks Jos." 

He placed the white mech down and looked behind at the others disembarking the shuttle, wiping away a tear. He saw the medic coming down the hill with Thunderclash and Jostle looked bemused. 

"Who's tha' paint splash comin' down wit' him?" 

"Oh, that's-" 

"No!" Rodimus caught Drift across the chest with his arm, grinning wildly, " _ you _ don't know who  _ that _ is?" 

"Naw, 'fraid not. Should I?" 

Mach looked down at where Rodimus was suddenly helpless on his knees, shrieking with laughter, and Jostle shrugged at his partner.

"Mus' be some Cybertronian joke." 

Drift rolled his optics and hauled Rodimus up, who was still exventing hard to try and calm himself. 

"Drift, Drift, they don't know the  _ greatest autobot of all time _ but they know  _ me _ ?"

Not about to burst his bubble that the only reason the two Giganton's knew of Rodimus was because of Drift, he started leading him away down towards the town. 

Mach and Jostle chatted on the way, their playful banter at each other was good for Drift to see but all he could think about was how the last time he was here, that's how he and Ratchet were. He was quiet as they entered a pub even though Rodimus became more animated, going wide eyed at the bar. 

"So… bigger bar means bigger drinks right?" 

"Rodimus." Drift snapped.

"I mean bigger energon drinks, chill buddy." 

They found a booth and settled down, some of the other members of the Lost Light wandering down and entering too. Rewind was riding on Chromedome's shoulders with Brainstorm and Perceptor not far behind them, for once the two scientists holding hands. Tailgate bounded in, waving at the other mini whilst Cyclonus watched on with a small smile, Whirl following as he usually did. 

Wherever Drift looked, there were happy, loving relationships. He sighed heavily. 

"-an' I said… Drift? What's up wit' ye?"

"Aye, ye lookin' pretty blue lad."

"He's white...?" Rodimus quirked an optic ridge, "he's just moping over, well, everything." 

Drift shot Rodimus a look then sighed, looking down into his drink. 

"I wish I could do something. For Ratchet." 

"Aye, dinnae we all? Actually, I was talkin' tae Vigor, he reckons he might be able tae help a wee bit, nae idea what about, some medic natter, I dinnae pay much attention when he's talkin' about work." 

"All ye know about is buildin' Jos, course ye dinnae understand." 

Rodimus was still getting used to the way the other mechs talked and looked towards Drift for guidance, but he was out of luck. Drift merely nodded sadly and gestured out of the bar. 

"I think I'm going to take a walk." 

"On ye own lad?" 

"Yeah. As long as you look after my Rodimus." 

Before the flame coloured mech could offer to come along too, Mach had reached across and patted Rodimus' firmly on the shoulder. 

"Aye! He'll be nae trouble, eh?" 

"I'll be what…?" 

"Nae trouble! Ye'll get used tae tha' accent ma wee pal, ye dinnae worry!" Mach nodded at Drift, "ye go clear tha' helm o' yas, jus' give us a bell if ye need us." 

Leaving a bewildered looking Rodimus behind, Drift left the bar. He had no idea where Bonnie had gone to but he trusted the dog, she had lived here for some time after all, and he wondered if she had gone to see the babies she'd lost and buried in a copse not far away. 

He sighed to himself, wandering along aimlessly. For once the weather in Gigantion was holding up and for once there wasn't a chill in the air. He was wondering if maybe he and Ratchet should get married here, before he had to push that thought away because it was too painful. 

As he took a detour through an alleyway, he came to a stop as he saw a familiar mini leaning against the wall near the end. He hadn't seen Drift, too busy fiddling with something in his hands but the white mech went still. He remembered the crooked smile as he was handed the boosters and how he'd gone up to the highest hill he could find, hoping to find oblivion again for one last time. 

Now all he could think about was finding oblivion for the rest of his days, no matter how short they were. His digits twitched and shakily he stepped away, bumping straight into someone and turning to apologise.

"Sorry I-" 

Ratchet eyed him carefully from on the street and Drift realised the one he'd bumped into was only hip height, looking down to see his dog looking up at him at the entrance of the alleyway.

"She came to find you. Wouldn't leave me alone, like she knew you were up to no good." 

Drift struggled to find some words, glancing back over his shoulder where the booster dealer was still none the wiser. 

"I uh, just, I mean, I-" 

"Save it. You wanna get high, be my guest, just remember I'm not in a state to save your life this time." 

Hurt, Ratchet turned on his heels and tried to stalk away, but Drift ran after him, taking his hand. 

"Ratchet, please-" 

"I have tried,  _ really hard _ , to be patient with you," he spoke lowly, "but I can't… I can't watch you throw yourself into some self destructive cycle when you're not the one-!" 

Shakily, the medic lifted a hand to his helm and turned finally to look at his conjunx. 

"I thought that maybe coming back here would remind you of the good times, remind  _ me _ , but now, I don't know. I don't think you want to try." 

"Of course I do! Please Ratchet I'd do anything for you-"

It had taken a long time but Ratchet finally lost his temper, frustrated by Drift's lack of trying and disappointment that he couldn't lean on the mech that he thought he could.

"Then pick yourself up Drift, for Primus' sake! This is ridiculous, you'll do anything to get out of facing the fact that I'm dying! But I am, no matter how much you whine and try to bury your helm, I am! Face up to that!" 

Drift was crying now, "I can't, I can't do it without you." 

"You won't even try!" 

Ratchet was venting hard and as he went to step away, the knee that had been plaguing him gave way and he fell down onto it hard. Bonnie barked and ran over to him, nuzzling his face and when Drift held out a hand to help Ratchet up, the medic shoved it away. 

"Now you want to help? When everyone is watching huh?" 

Drift snapped his gaze up to see that several Giganton's and the minicons that lived alongside them were watching on. Shame made Drift's face heat up and he lowered his helm. 

"Of course I want to help, I want to fix this…" 

"This is no fixing this, it's done." 

With Bonnie's help, Ratchet got to his feet and used the dog to limp away painfully without a look back. 

Panic attacked Drift hard and fast, and before he knew it, he was running, down the streets and away from all the judging optics. 

He was lousy, he was tainted, he was broken. He was stupid to think that he'd ever changed at all.

* * *

 

_ "Get up!" Wing was laughing, slightly amused, "or are you not as tough as you think you are?"  _

_ With a growl, Drift heaved himself up and turned to face the other mech, optics narrowed and chest full of anger. He pointed across at him and snapped.  _

_ "You don't play fair!"  _

_ "I'm sorry Drift, but surely you know by now that life isn't fair?"  _

_ Drift bit back the retort that was on the tip of his glossa, instead turning and stalking away. With a roll of his optics, Wing followed, brushing shoulders with Drift as they walked, steering him to a more secluded part of the city that was fenced off. Wing led him in wordlessly.  _

_ There were several huge slabs placed into the ground, just a little taller than the two mechs, with crystals of all shades placed around the bottom of them. When Drift looked closely, all he saw were reams of writing, all in different scrawls and colours, and he turned to Wing for an explanation. _

_ "...we remember those who we miss, either in our sparks or because they have gone to join Primus. It's okay to miss others, it's okay to remember them, or anything else you grieve for." _

_ "Why have you lead me here?"  _

_ "Because you blind me with grief every time you look at me. It's clear to me, that there's something, or someone, you're grieving for."  _

_ For a moment, Drift was quiet and still. He wanted to lash out at Wing, tell him he was wrong and that he had no idea what he was talking about, but no one had ever been able to see that part of him, apart from maybe one other mech. _

_ Of course he was grieving, of course it hurt.  _

_ "Is there something you would like to add?"  _

_ Wing probed gently, laying a hand onto the other mech's shoulder. Drift shuttered his optics with a deep exvent and nodded.  _

_ Taking a sharpened crystal from the floor, Wing passed it to Drift and stepped back.  _

_ "I'll be waiting over there when you're done."  _

_ Drift barely noticed Wing step away, instead falling to his knees and placing one hand against the cool, white stone. Shakily, he raised the crystal and started to write what he wanted to, having to pause as he added the final part. He reread it to make sure it was okay, and then shed a small tear.  _

**_"For Gasket and all of the other bots who never had a chance, for the life I could have had… and for Ratchet of Iacon for saving me."_ **

_ He joined Wing when he was more recovered and nodded, gesturing for them to leave.  _

_ "... you're right, life isn't fair." He said quietly.  _

_ "And that doesn't mean you have to take it lying down, Drift, or that it doesn't hurt. You have to do something with it, carrying it around is exhausting." _

_ "Yeah. I know."  _

* * *

 

Drift twitched in his recharge and Rodimus sighed, pulling him in closer. It had taken him a while but he'd managed to track down his amica and coax him back to the shuttle, where there was ample room for them in the berths at the back, most of the crew deciding to crash in the rooms the pubs provided for weary travellers. Mach and Jostle had housed the rest of the crew in their current renovation project, on the outskirts of town. 

So it was just Drift and Rodimus. Like it used to be, but the flame coloured mech couldn't even feel happy about it. 

He checked his internal chronometre and sighed once again, which made Drift twitch too.

"Ssh, ssh. I've got you." He murmured against Drift's helm, "I'm here." 

Thunderclash sent a ping,  _ -How is he? TC- _

With an optic roll, Rodimus sent one back but he was glad that Thunderclash had offered to take care of Ratchet, unaware that Drift's jealousy over them had reared its ugly head.

_ -ive told u u dont need 2 sign it I kno its u. hes bad hows ratch?-  _

_ -Pretty bad too. In pain. Jostle said he would take him down to the medical clinic here to see if his brother could help.-  _

_ -yea ok. see u in the morning recharge well xoxoxoxo-  _

_ -I still don't know what xoxo means. See you tomorrow Rodimus.-  _

Rodimus laughed lightly to himself when Drift suddenly started to struggle against his grasp, exventing loudly and shakily, his optics wide with fear. 

" _ Wing, no! _ " 

"Buddy, it's me-" 

Drift caught Rodimus across the jaw with a fist and barely registering the sharp burst of pain, grabbed his wrist to stop him lashing out again. That only caused Drift to panic even more.

"Get off!" 

"No!" 

"Get off me!" 

"Drift! It's me!" 

But Drift descended into loud sobs, still struggling against Rodimus on the berth, until he wrenched himself away, rolling over to the other side. Rodimus blinked his optics and sighed, holding his aching jaw. 

"Drift. It's me. It's Rodimus." 

"...I want it to stop." 

"I know." 

"All of it." 

"Don't say that." 

Rodimus sat up, wiggling his jaw and fixing Drift's back with his optics. He gave him a few moments to calm then spoke again.

"I thought you were feeling better about things? More positive?" 

"I was until…" 

"...was it the usual Wing dream?" 

Silently, Drift nodded. He knew he'd brought it upon himself going over the memory of visiting the memorial garden with Wing, but he was desperately trying to find something to cling onto that would help him through all of this.

"I wish he was here. He'd know what to say." 

"He'd only kick your aft and then you'd mope over that. Jeez, that was a good swing."

Realising what he'd done, Drift rolled back and scrabbled to sit, taking Rodimus' jaw gently into his hand. His face was pulled into a sad frown and he sighed. 

"I'm a lousy conjunx  _ and _ amica." 

"Oh  _ be shoosh _ ," Rodimus took Drift's hand away from his face, "I'm not doing this again, we talked, I thought everything was better." 

"It's not that easily fixed…" 

Wordlessly, Rodimus collected Drift up onto his lap and exvented heavily, wondering what he could do. If only Wing was there, he was apparently pretty good at talking sense into Drift. Rodimus was struggling to do that on his own, but just maybe, there was someone else he could reach out to. He sent a ping but he knew it might take a little while for a reply, so he pulled Drift back down to the berth and stroked his finials until once again he was recharging. Unfortunately Rodimus spent the next few hours staring at the ceiling, wondering how he was ever going to cope with a heartbroken Drift. 

* * *

 

When the morning finally rolled around, the weather was once again beautiful, if a little cold as was usual on Gigantion. Mach and Jostle had wrestled up breakfast for all their guests, but Thunderclash noticed that Ratchet was nowhere to be seen in the huge kitchen where the rest of the crew had gathered. 

Whilst Jostle regaled a tale of their escapades on top of one of the tallest buildings in Gigantion, the colourful mech slipped outside with a cup of energon especially whipped up by Mach for the medic. 

Ratchet was sat on a bench at the end of the lush garden the two bigger mechs were in the process of taming, huge floppy flowers and gnarled trees that popped with colour surrounding the old stone bench and the red and white mech sat upon it. Drift would have liked it. 

Wordlessly, Thunderclash took a seat and held the cup out, Ratchet taking it with mumbled thanks. They merely sat amicably for a while, enjoying the scenery when Thunderclash broke it. 

"Haven't heard from Rodimus, must still be recharging. Don't think he's had much lately." 

"I imagine not." 

"How did you rechar-"

"Cut the small talk 'Clash, please. My life is short enough already without you pretending everything is fine."

Thunderclash nodded and moved his gaze away, to a small carved statue nestled at the base of one of the trees. 

"It's Spectralist. There's a couple of them practising here too." 

"He's rubbed off on you." 

"I'm not about to start praying if that's what you're worried about." 

Thunderclash smiled slightly, "I am worried, but not about that." 

With a deep sigh, Ratchet lifted his cup but not his gaze, shrugging just a little. 

"What can you do?" 

"That's pessimistic, even for you." 

Laughing into his drink, Ratchet finally did look over at his old friend. He owed Thunderclash a lot, not just because he'd been there for him lately, but because of what he'd done for him back at the Academy. Perhaps other than Drift and the other medics, and to some degree Rodimus, Thunderclash knew Ratchet pretty well. He never took his scathing tones to heart or paid any attention to his stubbornness, just taking that as part of who his friend was. 

Thunderclash rubbed at one of his arms and exvented heavily. 

"If there was a cure-" 

Ratchet rolled his optics, "there isn't." 

"-what would it take?" 

"It's not just my spark that's failing, it's my frame too." 

Ratchet raised his free hand to demonstrate, they'd been the first thing to go, he had used them pretty much none stop over the years, and now his legs were starting to fail. 

"So… if we replaced your frame, after all you don't strictly need medic parts for the rest of you-"

"'Clash, I appreciate the thought." 

"No, just hear me out, and drink that energon, if we could replace what's failing, we'd have a chance right?" 

"Nothing can help a failing spark." 

Thunderclash shook his helm, "then you don't know how stubborn your successor is, Aid is… Aid is trying to find a way, with Velocity." 

Ratchet scoffed and took another drink. Whatever was in it was pretty good, he didn't feel quite so heavy the more he drank. 

"They can try, but even Pharma couldn't… it's a long shot." 

"And they're not the only medics offering to help, Jostle told me that their local medic, is willing to help you." 

"Vigor. Aye, Drift helped him." 

"Exactly, so let him help you." 

With a sigh, Ratchet finished his drink and looked at where Thunderclash was watching him expectantly. He offered a small smile. 

"Fine, but you're gonna have to help me walk there." 

"I've done plenty of helping you walk back when we were at the Academy, under different circumstances, I'm sure I can help now." 

Laughing, Ratchet got himself stiffly up and Thunderclash did the same, offering a hand out for support.

They wandered down to the clinic, with Jostle in tow, and waited for Vigor to let them in. When the white and dark red medic saw his adopted brother, he grappled him affectionately. 

"C'mere ye ol' bastard! Nae seen ye in forever! Thought ye'd run aff wi' ye husband!" 

"Aw Vigor lemme go, ye got company." 

Vigor let go of Jostle and turned his attention to the two Cybertronian's on the doorstep, smiling slightly as he nodded at Ratchet. 

"Aye, I think I ken ye, Drift's conjunx aye?"

"Yeah, Ratchet, and this is Thunderclash." 

Holding out his big hand to shake both of theirs, he then nodded them in.

"C'mon in, I can show ye what we did wi' that money Drift so kindly donated tae us." 

The medical clinic had obviously had a big overhaul, gone were the scratched windows and patchy roof, and the whole thing had been painted in soothing blue and grey tones, the rickety chairs replaced with soft benches of several heights to accommodate big, small and in-between bots. 

Vigor gestured around proudly, nodding over at Jostle. 

"Lucky I hae some handy wee pals I suppose, but at least we got tae buy quality materials. Couldnae hae done it without ye conjunx." 

Ratchet looked around and felt a small swell of pride in his chest but it was quickly cut short when he thought about Drift. He nodded absently and took a seat, wincing. 

"I was hopin' ye could see if ye could help ol' Ratch, Vig, he's sufferin'." 

Vigor crouched in front of Ratchet and the smaller medic was taken aback a little by having a comforting field wrapped around him. Most medics would use their fields to make their patients feel calmer, Ratchet did it without even thinking nowadays, but it was strange to be on the receiving side of it. With a soft smile, Vigor gestured at his knees.

"Ye mind?" 

Ratchet shook his helm and watched how Vigor's huge hands worked gently, bending his joint and feeling for where it jarred, wincing just a little. 

"That's a whole protoform knee reconstruction, ain't ye got a whole crew o' medics onboard ye ship?" 

"He won't let anyone do it," Thunderclash spoke softly, "but after yesterday…" 

"I don't like taking up Aid's time, or supplies, you know that." 

"Oh aye? But ye'll take mine eh?" Vigor's optics sparkled with amusement, "I can dae it, if ye happy bein' holed up in here fer a few hours." 

"If you've booked up I understand-" 

But Jostle waved his hand and patted Vigor's back. 

"He's ken since Drift called, Vig wanted tae help where he could, ye ken? In fact he  _ insisted _ ." 

"Aye, us medics got tae stick together, eh?" 

Lowering his helm, Ratchet realised how utterly grateful he was for all of the mechs and femmes in his life that wanted to help. He'd kept First Aid and Velocity at bay, telling them his knees weren't as bad as they were but now he was struggling to walk and if Vigor was willing to help, he supposed he could accept after what Drift had done for the medic. 

"Thank you." 

"Aye is nae problem! Eh Jos, go oan take Thunderclash sigh seein', it'll be right borin' sittin' here." 

"I don't mind at all." 

Ratchet smiled, "it's fine, honestly." 

Nervously, Thunderclash looked between the others then nodded slowly, turning to Jostle. 

"I'd love to see that shrine you were telling me about." 

"Oh aye! The legend of old Gigan himself eh?! S'all made up I'm tellin' ye…" 

With a raised hand in goodbye to Ratchet and Vigor, Jostle lead Thunderclash out, scooping an arm around him and pulling him in affectionately as he spoke. 

Chuckling, Vigor got to his feet and smiled. 

"Now Jos has got yer pal, me an' ye can talk about this an' whatever else is on ye processor. Dinnae even bother tellin' me it's nothin' pal, I can tell." 

"I'm sure you can." 

Ratchet smiled sadly and let Vigor help him up and into one of the medical rooms, knowing the next few hours would be tough.

* * *

 

Whilst Ratchet was getting surgery, back on the shuttle Rodimus was getting a rude awakening. He groaned as his comms insistently rang, accepting it even though he hadn't registered who it was coming from. 

"Yeah?" He yawned. 

"Get ya aft up kiddo, m'sure wherever the frag you're at, ya should be up." 

Rodimus groaned even louder, it was like reliving his past being woken up by that voice. He onlined his optics and found Drift had taken all the blankets and bundled himself up on his side, his face pulled into a frown as he recharged. With a sad smile, he stroked his cheek lightly, making sure he was still recharging.

"Kup, do you get louder as you get older?" 

"Nah, just ya helm gets thicker so I have to speak up. What ya want? Is it really that important?" 

Rodimus pulled himself up and exited the berthroom, padding down into the shuttle energon storage and grabbing some. Ratchet had said he'd let some of his old friends know, but now Rodimus was sure that Kup had no idea. 

"...where are you? You haven't been in touch." 

"On this Primus damn mudball planet again, ya know it's hard to reach ya all the way down here!" Kup paused, registering Rodimus' hesitance, "Roddy? What is it?" 

With a deep exvent, Rodimus explained everything, Ratchet's illness and Drift's refusal to face it, Kup only adding in a hum of acknowledgment to let him know he was still there. 

"-so yeah, what do I do Kup? He… he's lost, he's broken and I can't fix him this time, but maybe you could, he trusts you, he listens to you." 

Kup let out a long sigh, and Rodimus knew the old mech was probably running his hand over his face and twiddling his cygar. 

"...s'a lot to take in, for everyone. Poor Ratch, I had no idea I woulda come ta see him." 

"I know." 

Rodimus was laying across the pilot chair, his helm tipped back as he stared out of the shuttle window upside down. If ever he needed guidance, the Wrecker was always good for it, but even he seemed like he didn't have an answer. 

"Is Drift there?" 

"He's recharging, he's always waking up, last night he socked me one." 

"Atta boy," Kup chuckled, "taught him that." 

"Pfft, like frag you did!" 

"Ya might be taller now but I can still take ya on, Rod, ya remember that!" 

Rodimus huffed a laugh, knowing full well that if Kup was there he'd be wrestling him to the floor and most likely winning. 

"Yeah yeah you old rust bucket, I hear you, you're fragging loud enough." 

"I don't need to ask who you're talking to, do I?" 

Rodimus snapped his helm over to see Drift stood in the entrance to the room, blanket still pulled around himself and watching on solemnly. 

"Hang on Kup, I'm gonna put you on the shuttle comms now sleeping beauty is up." 

Rodimus patted the seat beside him for Drift to sit as he scrambled up, transferring the call over to the shuttle video comms. Kup flickered to life on the screen and Drift took a seat, not able to meet anyone's optics. 

"Oh there ya are, 'cause I needed a reminder of how fraggin' smug y'always look." He pointed at Rodimus, then turned his attention to Drift, "hey kiddo, how ya doin'?" 

In reply Drift shrugged. Kup and Rodimus exchanged a look and the older mech made a shooing gesture at him. 

"Give us a min would ya Roddy?" 

For once, Rodimus listened, rising slowly from his chair and clapping Drift on the shoulder as he left. 

"I'll be outside, alright?" 

When Rodimus was gone, Drift sighed heavily and began to pick at the corner of the blanket that was wrapped around him. Kup fiddled with his cygar and chose his words carefully. 

"Ya want me to come see ya kiddo?" 

Drift shook his helm, unable to talk for a moment. Kup watched him and exvented softly, muttering under his vents. 

"If I'd know I woulda cared about some hotheaded half pint and his puppy dog this much, I woulda thought I'd gone soft. Maybe I have, 'cause there's nothing I'd rather do than come scoop ya up Drift, don't do that fraggin' sad face on me, I can't take it. And… and Ratch, I'd make his frame buck its fraggin' ideas up and stop tryin' to givin' out on him." 

The silence stretched on between them for just a little while until Drift found his vocaliser, speaking softly at first before emotion got the better of him. 

"I'm just sad Kup, and mad. No one seems to get it, like I'm not allowed to be angry too, all Ratchet can say  _ it's not you dying _ but I will, as soon as he's gone I'll just," he mimicked a gun at his helm, "because I can't live without him." 

"Course ya gonna be angry, m'pissed as hell for ya! But that don't mean ya can give up on everyone else. Ain't it enough that were losin' Ratch? I ain't about to lose you too." 

"But I can't!" He choked out, raising his optics, "I'm telling you I can't." 

"And m'tellin' you kiddo, that ya  _ can _ , ya just don't want to." 

Drift dropped his gaze back to his lap. Kup was right, Rodimus was right, but he was just finding it so hard to believe. Every time he looked at Ratchet he saw the death sentence he was heading towards and the loneliness and heartbreak he would have to endure after he was gone. He didn't want to own up to that, he didn't want to see it and he was consumed by rage that this was happening. 

It wasn't fair. 

Then Wing spoke to him in his processor,  _ life isn't fair. _

"Drift, I get it, I do, ya pissed off and ya hurt, and Ratch-" 

"Yeah I know, doesn't deserve that. I've heard it." 

"No, I was gonna say, _before_ _some bolt for brains interrupted,_ was that Ratch don't want that for ya, and he'd do anythin' to make it stop." 

That made Drift pause. Ratchet would do anything for him, include put a smile on his face even when he didn't want to. He'd done that very same thing, all that time they'd been in their shuttle together, Ratchet had taken pain relief and not thought about his inevitable end and plastered on a smile even when he was probably feeling lonely and forlorn about his heavy secret. 

And Drift had gotten mad. Because that's how he dealt. 

"...you're right. He'd do anything for me." 

"And ya would do the same, I know that." 

"But I haven't, Kup, I haven't been who he's needed me to be." 

"Then get ya sorry lookin' aft up and go kiss that mech for Primus sake, before I hafta come bash ya helms together. I know ya sad and it's shit, but hey, ya call me and I'll rage about the injustice o' the world till my vocaliser quits on me with ya." Kup rubbed at his face, "honest to Primus ya fraggin' young'uns make me feel even fraggin' older." 

"You are pretty old." 

"Fraggin' watch it." 

Kup pointed at the screen with his cygar but Drift managed a small grin. He thought for a moment and rearranged his blanket. 

"How did your frame last so well?" 

"Iunno, m'no scientist, ya should ask Percy if ya want a smartaft answer. I jus' make sure I always fuel properly, ain't no use fightin' on empty tanks." 

"Yeah, of course, it's always fighting with you." 

Kup banged a hand against his chest and grinned. 

"Course it is, what's life without a good scrap? Put Roddy back on would ya? I need to chew him out for not gettin' hold o' me sooner, and ya can tell Percy to ping me more often. Ya kids don't even ask how I am anymore." 

"...so how you doing-?"

"Fraggin' cheeky bastard." 

But they were both laughing, Drift not quite as heartily as Kup but still. He felt a little better, like he had someone else he could lean on and not end up hurting. Kup was invincible in more way than one. 

"Thanks Kup." 

He winked, "any time kiddo. Now scram, ya got some smoochin' to do, I was kinda hopin' by now someone would make me a great uncle or whatever scrap the humans say." 

"Well, we have a dog?"

"Cute, but not as cute as a sparklin'." 

Drift left Kup to chat with Rodimus, kissing his amica on the cheek as he went to go sit outside the shuttle. He hadn't actually seen Bonnie since the day before and as he went to ping Ratchet to see if she was with him, his faithful pup came wandering out from the trees that  surrounded the nearly the whole refuel port. He whistled for her and she came running, plonking herself down in his lap and panting hard. 

As he stroked her side and stared off into the distance, he thought about his conversations with Megatron, Rodimus and now Kup. They'd all told him to ease up, and he knew he should, it was just hard to fight against the part of him that flickered with anger, but he was starting to realise that he had others he could lean on to get through all of this. 

He'd have to go see Ratchet, apologise, and talk to him. After all, that's what the medic would do for Drift, and he owed him that much at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing on Gigantion if you couldn't tell 😁


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes things need to be broken before they're rebuilt better than before.
> 
> _We don't talk much, not anymore,  
>  Broken bottles and slammin' doors,  
> But we still care about each other,  
> Say we care about each other,  
> I know life took us far away,  
> But I still dream 'bout the good old days,  
> When we took care of each other,  
> We were livin' for each other._
> 
> -OneRepublic, Rescue Me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all once again all of my apologies for such a long wait for you guys for me to update, it's nothing personal honestly! 😂 I've really struggled to get back into this and really lost a lot of faith in my writing but I owe you all to finish it, so here I am.
> 
> Also, I'm not entirely happy with this chapter but I do feel bad for not having uploaded so I just wanted to put something up. 
> 
> Thank you for all your kind reviews and your amazing patience! 💙

"Hey you." 

Rodimus' optics shone as he leant against the doorframe, arms folded. Thunderclash glanced up from where he was laid back reading on the berth, and gave the flame coloured mech a wide smile. 

After doing some sightseeing, Jostle had taken Thunderclash back to his house to await news from Vigor. Rodimus had checked in on him and learnt about the surgery, passing the message onto a solemn Drift who had chosen to stay back in the shuttle and do some meditating, so now, he had the colourful mech to himself.

"Hey." 

"Thanks for looking after the doc." 

"It's fine." 

Rodimus tilted his helm, "there's a but here right?" 

Thunderclash put down the datapad he was reading, some old Gigantion legends that he'd picked up in a second hand shop in town, and tried to give Rodimus a smile but it fell short. 

"But… I feel as though it's not my place." 

With a shrug, Rodimus pushed himself from the doorframe and clambered onto the berth, straddling Thunderclash's waist and trailing his hands over his chest in an effort to calm him. He couldn't quite meet his optics and instead concentrated on Thunderclash's insignia. 

"Well… you and Ratchet are friends, of course you want to be there for him, and you do a damn good job." 

"...there's a but here right?" 

Rodimus gave out a small laugh and a quick nod. Thunderclash had a way of seeing right through him.

"Yeah… Drift is a little, um, put out about it." 

"That explains all the angry glances my way."

"He doesn't mean it Thunders, he's just jealous 'cause y'know, you're doing your usual  _ good at everything  _ thing. I dragged it out of him before I came here, he had that cute frowny thing going on when I hung up and then it came spilling out, he heard you and Ratchet talking and then you took him down to the clinic for surgery and well, yeah…"

Finally Rodimus dragged his optics up. Thunderclash met his gaze and then reached out to cup his cheek, smiling more genuinely this time. 

"I would never come between Drift and Ratchet, or you and Drift. I know my place." 

"You don't have a  _ place _ , please don't talk like that, he's my amica and you're my c-" 

Rodimus froze in place, realising what he was about to say. It wasn't the best time or place for that and he smiled sheepishly and began to backtrack even though Thunderclash's smile only grew.

"You-you're my c-... Cute hunk, heh, I just… um..." 

Thunderclash took both of Rodimus' hands into his and chuckled gently, stroking them with his thumbs. He reached out with his field, wrapping the other mech up in  _ love _ to give him the reassurance he needed to say what he wanted to.

"Rodimus." 

"...'Clash."

"It's okay. To say what you wanted to."

"I said what I wanted." 

"No you didn't." 

He opened his mouth to protest but he knew he didn't want to lie. Rodimus had spent so long dancing around this whole thing with Thunderclash and he'd vowed, since Ratchet's diagnosis, he wouldn't deny how he felt about the colourful mech. He took a deep invent and met his optics. 

"You're my… conjunx. Right?" 

"If that's what you'd like me to be." 

"What do you want?" 

With a sly grin, Thunderclash pulled Rodimus down for a long, deep kiss, bringing a hand around to his back and brushing his spoiler lightly. Rodimus moaned lightly into their kiss and realised he'd missed Thunderclash in more than one way. When he pulled away, he rested his forehelm against Rodimus' and met his gaze. 

"I want you, all of you, forever, if you'll have me." 

"You'll be lucky if you ever shake me now." 

"Good, because I don't want my conjunx to ever leave my side." 

As they leant in to kiss again, a booming voice shouted up from the depths of the house, breaking the peaceful moment. 

"Eh 'Clash, Rodimus, ye there? Got a ping, Ratchet is outta surgery an' he's askin' fer ye, all o' ye." 

With a soft laugh, Rodimus rested his forehelm back against Thunderclash's and shrugged. 

"I'll get ye later laddy," he winked, "jus' ye wait!" 

"That's a  _ terrible _ accent." 

"Kinda like yours then." 

Rodimus clambered off Thunderclash giggling before the big mech could grab him and do something devilish like tickle him. Even though it had only been a short moment they'd grabbed together, it had helped them both to relax and replenish them for the day ahead.

* * *

 

Vigor opened the door to the crowd on his doorstep with a tired smile, nodding them in and closing the door. Jostle murmured something and Vigor nodded, gesturing at the chairs for him to take a seat. Rodimus, holding both Drift and Thunderclash's hands firmly, tilted his helm.

"The doc alright?" 

"Aye, wee'un, he's a'right. Mebbe a wee bit tired an' woozy from all th' meds but he'll be right as rain dinnae ye worry. Me an' Jos'll stay out here, ye go see him, jus' through there." 

Vigor gestured at a door and went to join Jostle, slumping down into a chair and rubbing his face, weary from such a complicated and intrusive surgery.

Glancing over at Drift who looked more than just a little shaky, Rodimus nodded his thanks and went to move when he felt resistance from Thunderclash. With a frown he looked down at where Thunderclash had wriggled his hand away and then up at the mech, who was smiling sadly.

"You go ahead. I'll see Ratchet in a while." 

"...alright." 

Rodimus risked another glance at Drift but his optics were focussed on the door they needed to go through and his field was clamped down tightly. Thunderclash kissed Rodimus' cheek then went to join Jostle and Vigor, standing to watch out of the window, wondering if Bonnie was enjoying her freedom to roam.

With a deep exvent, Rodimus tugged on Drift's hand. His amica looked at him with a startled, scared expression then nodded, walking forward with him. 

They entered the treatment room. Ratchet had his optics offlined and he was tucked up in a blanket on the propped up berth, a slightly pained expression on his face. Rodimus tightened his grip on Drift so he wouldn't bolt and moved forward so they were both next to him. He glanced at the drip beside Ratchet's berth and shuddered, trying not to think about how much pain his friend would be in.

Drift let go of Rodimus to tentatively reach out where Ratchet had his hands over his chest, his vents rattling as nerves overtook him. The last time they'd spoken, it was with anger and hurt, and he didn't want to be pushed away, not now. He was going to try, really  _ really _ try. He owed Ratchet that much.

Ratchet onlined his optics dimly from the touch, searching Drift's face for a moment before he offlined them again. He smiled just a little and squeezed the hands wrapped around his weakly. 

"You came." 

"Of course I came." 

Deciding that Drift wasn't going anywhere, Rodimus slipped out quietly. They needed this moment together and he didn't need to be there, he'd done his bit.

After a few moments of silence, Ratchet spoke softly.

"I was worried… I'm sor-" 

"No. Please don't, please.  _ I'm sorry,  _ for absolutely everything, for not being here and I know I can't make up for that but I'm here now Ratchet, please, I'll do what I can for you, I swear, I swear on my spark." 

Drift was desperate. He needed Ratchet to see that he was going to try and that he really meant it. He squeezed his hand just a little tighter and leaned onto the berth searching Ratchet's face for anything.

"No..." 

"No?" Drift's vocals wavered, "I don't…"

"No, don't swear on your spark. I believe you." 

Ratchet onlined his optics again and shakily lifted his other hand over to stroke Drift's cheek. The white mech closed his optics and a few tears trailed down his cheeks as he nuzzled into the touch. 

"Oh  _ kid _ ," Ratchet sighed, "I've missed you."

In reply, Drift nodded and let out a quiet sob. 

"I missed you too, so much." 

As carefully as he could manage, Drift crawled onto the berth beside Ratchet, curling himself up tightly and laying his helm onto the medic's chest, stifling a few sobs against his hand. Ratchet held him and cried too, stroking his finials and pulling him in tightly. 

When they were both quiet again and exhausted by their spent emotions, Drift lifted his helm to meet Ratchet's optics.

"Do you hurt?" 

"Just a little." 

"...was… it…" 

"You don't do medical procedures, don't even ask." Ratchet chuckled lightly. 

"I'll help you, where I can. I'll help you walk and get you pain relief and-and-"

"Drift. All I want is you." 

He nodded into the touches to his finials and rubbed at Ratchet's chest. He hoped that maybe the knee reconstruction would mean Ratchet wouldn't be in so much pain and they could make the most of the last of the time they had together. In fact, he was thinking way too ahead. 

"Let's get married. Now, today, tomorrow, just as soon as possible." 

"Kid, that's not what you want." 

"It is, I need to make sure we do what we want before… you know." 

"I'm not gonna keel over tomorrow. Well, I might, if you don't keep a hold of me whilst I learn to walk again." 

Drift smiled and leaned up to kiss Ratchet softly on the lips, savouring the sweet moment without thinking about the  _ what if _ for once.

"I won't let you go." 

"Well, at some point you'll have to." 

"...why are you so brave? I don't know how you're doing it." 

"Because I have you. Without you I wouldn't be able to." 

"But I've been the worst conjunx, I've let you down, I haven't been there." 

"Yeah you have let me down, and no you haven't been there, but that doesn't matter, I still love you, that's what keeps me going." 

Unable to help it, Drift shed just a few more tears. He wasn't going to leave Ratchet's side for a moment if he could help it, he was determined to do what he needed to, like Kup had said.

* * *

 

By the next day, Ratchet was feeling restless and adamant that he wanted to at least try to move. He was thankful that at least Cybertronians healed better than any organics and his greatest difficulty would be getting used to walking again. 

Vigor was stood one side of him as he sat on the edge of the berth, and Drift the other. He knew that with their guidance he'd at least be able to try a few steps but he was still worried and that reflected in his field. Vigor wrapped him up with his own field, soothing away the worry. 

Ratchet glanced up across the room where Rodimus was snoring softly in a chair. Drift had been adamant that he wasn't going to leave his conjunx's side and in return, Rodimus had been adamant that he wouldn't leave his amica's side, so they had both spent the night uncomfortably recharging in chairs, helms propped against each other. Thunderclash had gone back to Jostle and Mach's with the rest of the crew and check in with Magnus on the ship, Rodimus thankful he had someone so dependable to rely on.

"Ye jus' take ye time, a'right? Nice an' steady." Vigor spoke in a soothing soft rumble, "an' we got ye if ye need us." 

"I know." 

Drift squeezed Ratchet's hand that he'd barely let go of and conjured up a small smile from somewhere. The medic returned it then exvented slowly to psych himself up to move. He slid carefully off the berth to rest his pedes onto the floor, the berth still taking most of his weight. Vigor had his elbow lightly and Drift slipped his free arm around his back. 

Slowly, he straightened. His pain receptors were still heavily dampened and he'd been dosed up with painkillers on top but still there was a lot of pressure on his new knee joints and he winced uncomfortably until Drift gave out a small laugh. Ratchet snapped his helm around, face still twisted into a frown. 

"What?" 

"You're finally considerably taller than me." 

Ratchet realised he wasn't quite optic to optic with Drift, maybe a few inches taller and he had to laugh too, just a little. 

"Aye, I made sure ye wouldnae ever hae tae go through it again, nice an' strong joints. 'Cause here on Gigantion, we're always buildin' we got tae make sure tha' our legs are strong." 

"...something else that'll outlast my spark." 

Ratchet said quietly and Drift turned his helm away. Vigor wasn't about to be deterred though, his positive and friendly nature shining through the seriousness of the situation. He squeezed Ratchet's elbow and leaned in to talk to him softly, pointing between he and Drift.

"Aye, ye listen here Ratchet, ye take care of th' rest o' ye, ye drink all those supplements Mach's given ye an' ye twos could hae a nice long time together. Aye, mebbe not long enough, but enough tae hae enough nice memories eh? Tha' spark o' yas is a li'l flickery aye, but ye fuel properly an' it'll be a'right fer a while."

"Thank you, Vigor. For everything." 

Ratchet smiled genuinely at the other medic as Drift rested his forehelm against Ratchet's shoulder. He still wasn't great at talking about how this wouldn't be forever.  

"Is nae problem t'all, like I said, ye conjunx there did a lot fer me, an' I'd like tae return th' favour, at least a wee bit. Now c'mon, shift yer aft, let's see if ye can walk." 

Shakily and leaning heavily onto the mechs either side of him, Ratchet took a step forward. It felt strange and he still wasn't feeling particularly confident until he fixed his gaze across the room and saw Rodimus grinning back at him. He gave him a thumbs up and Ratchet smiled. 

Both he and Drift were realising that it was important to lean on those around them, to give them strength to carry on.

* * *

 

After a few more days in Gigantion, Ratchet was feeling near enough back to himself, and the crew had enjoyed their small break, but as much as they wanted to stay, there was something very important coming up. 

"Aye, I love a weddin', 'specially th' dancin'!" 

Vigor was just making sure that Ratchet had full mobility in his joints, crouched down and testing how they moved, Drift hovering in the treatment room whilst he did. 

"Well, Chromedome and Rewind have invited everyone, including you and Mach and Jos." 

The Giganton lifted his helm carefully at Drift, optic ridges raised in surprise. It wasn't very often that he was offered anything more than a free drink for his troubles and he was flattered.

"Ye invitin' me onboard ye ship?" 

"Yeah. Roddy said the more the merrier." Drift shrugged, "it's up to you." 

Vigor sighed and rubbed his face, patting Ratchet's thigh before getting to his feet. 

"I'd love nothin' more trust me, but I cannae leave, I hae so much work tae dae here," he said sadly, "I 'preciate it."

"We understand." 

Ratchet got himself to his feet shakily too and held out his hand to shake Vigor's but instead the medic grabbed Drift and Ratchet and hugged them tightly. 

"Make sure ye stay in touch a'right? Anythin' I can dae." 

Drift patted Vigor's arm and grinned at Ratchet. 

"Thanks Vigor, we appreciate it." 

As they left the medbay to go join the others waiting to board the shuttle, Vigor followed them so he could say his goodbyes to Thunderclash and Rodimus but found they weren't the only ones saying goodbye. 

"Ye goin' are ye?" 

Vigor clapped Jostle on the shoulder as he cuddled up to Mach. With a sad grin, he turned and did the same to his adopted brother.

"Aye pal, tha' a'right with ye?" 

"Aye, course brother. I'll look after ye house whilst ye gone?" 

"We'll be back," Mach patted Vigor's back, "we jus' wanna see these twos make an honest mech o' each other." 

"Aye. I'd go if I could, eh, but comms me when they finally do it eh?" Vigor smiled sadly, "I'll miss ye." 

The three Giganton's huddled up, slapping each other on the back and mumbling softly. When Vigor drew away, wiping at his optics, he saw something that made his spark lift. 

Bonnie was bounding up from the town, barking loudly and towards the big mechs. Mach crouched down to fuss her and Vigor laughed, turning his attention to Drift. 

"Jos said ye tamed her. Aye, she is a wee bonny thing."

Ratchet and Drift exchanged a grin. 

As the shuttle set off back to the Lost Light, Vigor watched and waved them off, muttering to himself. 

"Aye, I'll see ye all soon. All o' ye." 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A wedding is sure to raise everyone's spirits, but Ratchet finds out the hard way that Drift still doesn't know how to deal.
> 
> How can something so good go so bad?  
> How can something so right go so wrong?  
> I don't know, I don't have all the answers,  
> But I want you back,  
> How many times can I say I'm sorry,  
> You know, you can run, and you can hide,  
> But I'm now leaving 'less you come with me,  
> We've had our problems but I'm on your side,  
> You're all I need, please believe in me, oh yeah.  
> -Something Happened On The Way To Heaven, Phil Collins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO sorry you've had to wait so long for this, the truth is right now I'm really struggling to write and with this being a particularly delicate subject that's hard to write, I find myself shying away from it when I'm struggling. The good news is I have at least half of the next chapter written so you won't have to wait too much longer for the next one. 
> 
> Thank you all for your patience and your lovely comments, they're truly appreciated 💙

"Stay still!" 

Rodimus couldn't help but laugh as Drift held his chin and frowned in that cute way he was doing. He was touching up Rodimus' helm flares in preparation for Chromedome and Rewind's wedding but as usual the flame coloured mech couldn't sit still where he was perched on the berth in Drift and Ratchet's habsuite. 

"It tickles." 

"Be _shoosh_." 

That only made Rodimus laugh more and Drift sighed dramatically, throwing his hands up in the air. 

"Forget it!" 

He flopped back onto his berth and Rodimus stood to stretch his arms up with a grin. 

"Mate, it takes a lot of hard work to look this good, you know that." 

"I'd been painting for _five kliks._ "

In reply, Rodimus merely shrugged. Drift put an arm over his optics and sighed, throwing the paintbrush at him but Rodimus dodged it. 

"Hey!" 

With a snort, Drift arched his back with a yawn and Rodimus tilted his helm with a mischevious smile. 

"Someone keeping you up?"

"...you could say that." 

"Oh? _Oh_. Ew, TMI, Drift. As long as Vigor only gave Ratchet a knee replacement and not a sp-" 

Bonnie suddenly ran through the open door barking and bristling her plates, then dived for under the berth. Ratchet and Thunderclash followed just after, both mechs looking pretty flustered and Drift propped himself up to sit with a wry grin.

"She enjoyed the washracks then?"

Ratchet pointed at Drift, chest still heaving. 

"Your turn. Next time, it's definitely your turn to wash the dog." 

With another snort, Drift wriggled to peek under the berth and caught the glint of the dog's optics. She growled lowly and thumped her long tail on the floor, letting everyone know just how unimpressed she was. 

With a laugh, Rodimus strolled over to Thunderclash and ran a digit over his chest, his optics sparkling mischievously. 

"Talking of hitting the washracks… coming Thunders?" 

Thunderclash flashed a grin back at his conjunx then picked him up, Rodimus squeaking and wrapping his legs around him. Ratchet rolled his optics then went over to his desk, rummaging around in it for some pain relief. He was still recovering from his knee replacements and sometimes he got a twinge when he did something strenuous like chase after the dog.

"Get a room. Not _mine_." 

With both of them giggling, Thunderclash left the room with a wave of his hand and Drift shook his helm as he pulled himself up to sit again.

"And I just painted him…" 

"Mmhm." 

Drift got up from the berth, wrapping his arms around Ratchet's waist and resting his face against the medic's back, but he was tense. 

"What's the matter?" 

"...have you been taking the pain relief I keep in here?" 

Shiftily, Drift pulled away and rubbed at his arm. 

"Sometimes, yeah, why?" 

With a sigh, Ratchet turned and leaned against the desk, not able to fix Drift's optics. 

"That's strong stuff. Why have you been taking it?" 

Drift could only answer with a shrug. But he knew the answer, he didn't care that it made him a little bit spaced out. Ratchet stepped forward and tried to take his hand, but the white mech turned away ashamedly. He knew he struggled to cope with whatever stresses and strains were happening in his life and he had a habit of picking the easy way, not the right way.

"Drift." 

"...m'sorry. I won't anymore." 

Not wanting to cause an argument when they were just getting back on track, Ratchet gathered Drift up into his arms and kissed his finials, the one thing he knew would make him smile at least a little. 

He was wrong. Teary optics looked up at him and he sighed softly, reaching to brush a digit across his cheek. 

"It's still hard." 

"I know." 

"...everyone else has accepted it, and I haven't."

"I know." 

"...but I don't want to think about it today." 

"Then don't." Ratchet kissed his forehelm, "let's just celebrate yeah?" 

And even though Drift muttered an agreement, deep down it stung that when Chromedome and Rewind made a vow about forever, it actually would be.

* * *

 

Magnus was the last mech on the bridge. He was completing all of his usual checks, three times to make sure everything was absolutely safe, but he kept getting flustered and forgetting a step. He checked his chronometre. If he didn't get this done he'd be late for Chromedome and Rewind's wedding which in turn made him feel even more flustered. 

He dropped into a seat and tried to catch his vents, panic closing in on him. 

"Ultra Magnus." 

The soothing rumble was enough to calm him just for a moment. He looked over his shoulder and his optics flashed at the mech in the doorway. He had to snap his helm back to his clasped hands in his lap to stop himself from staring. 

"M-Megatron." 

Magnus was definitely flustered now, but for a different reason. Megatron had obviously spent his morning buffing and touching up his paintwork until he shined under the lights, and he'd even accentuated the marks on his chest with some silver paint from somewhere. He was absolutely stunning and Magnus was captivated.

"Is there anything that I can assist you with?" 

Feeling vulnerable, Magnus had to reboot his vocaliser to stop himself from wobbling as he spoke. He reminded himself that this distance was for the best, that he couldn't let anyone get hurt and if he stayed away, they wouldn't.

"No, it is quite alright, I was just completing my checks." 

"Of course, I understand how important they are to you." Megatron paused, then spoke softer, "I am more than happy to keep you company until you are satisfied they are completed." 

"...really?" 

"Of course." 

Magnus was so lost in going over his internal checklist that it took him a moment to realise that Megatron had stepped into the room and laid a hand onto his shoulder. He stiffened and the grey mech took that as a sign he should take his hand away. 

"My apologies. I just feel as though you need a friend." 

"...I do. Thank you." 

With a deep exvent, Magnus rose and without looking at Megatron, began his checks all over again. Whilst he did that, Megatron made sure all of the chairs were tucked neatly under the desks and straightened all of the datapads stacked on the desks. 

Sighing as he found a stash of hidden energon treats that had gone just a little bit sticky under a desk, Magnus picked them up and turned. He crashed straight into Megatron. The box crumpled against Megatron's newly painted and super shiny chest, leaving a sticky pink patch on him. Magnus gasped. Megatron dropped his helm. 

"Megatron, sorry! I-I even updated the rules, energon treats are not allowed to be consumed, I-I… Megatron?" 

His shoulders were shaking and for a moment, Magnus could only blink. It wasn't until Megatron lifted his helm and let out a chuckle that Magnus could vent out again.

"And Rodimus asked me why I never make an effort. As I told him, I never stay clean for long." 

"I… um, I am so sorry-" 

"Please, Min-... Magnus. Do not apologise, I am sure it will clean out." 

Pulling out a chair to collapse down into, Megatron began to try and clean off the sticky mess to no avail. With twitchy digits, Magnus placed the smashed box onto a desk and pulled out a cloth and a spray from his subspace, clearing his intake nervously. 

"I um, usually reserve this for my name plaques, but um, it should clean off the… the mess." 

He tried to pass the cloth over but Megatron looked between the offering and Magnus then smiled. 

"If you would be so kind?" 

"O-of course." 

With his spark thrumming hard and his field pulled in even tighter to himself, Magnus began to clean Megatron's chest. The grey mech directed his gaze out of the window to watch the rolling starmap and cleared his intake too. 

"I am sure that you would have found mine and Rodimus' newest exchange amusing. He told me that there was another planet that Drift and Ratchet wanted to visit, but they have no coordinates." Megatron paused a moment, flicking his gaze at Magnus, "well obviously I got frustrated with him as he waved his hand in a vague direction and said _just go that way till I say stop._ "

As he shook his helm, he noticed that Magnus had stilled his hand. With a furrowed brow, Megatron went to speak when Magnus stopped him, by kissing him lightly on the lips. Megatron stilled his vents and returned the kiss, tentatively reaching out to bring his hand onto the back of Magnus' helm, but that seemed to break whatever spell had taken ahold. Blinking, Magnus pulled away, his hand still against Megatron's chest. 

"I… sorry." 

"There is no need." 

"I… yeah." 

"Honestly, there is nothing to apologise for." 

Magnus nodded, then went back to cleaning Megatron's chest silently. When he was done, he pulled away and offered a small smile. 

"Maybe not my best polish, but I suppose it will do." 

"Thank you." 

Megatron rose and glanced around the room. 

"Would you like to finish your checks?" 

"...if that is quite alright?"

"Of course, if… if you would allow me to escort you down to the observation deck afterwards?" 

"Yes, I would like that." 

They exchanged a smile, and Magnus went on his way, ticking off everything on his internal list three times and when he was done, Megatron was waiting at the door for him. He offered an arm and with only a moment's hesitation, Magnus took it and allowed Megatron to escort him down to where the wedding was about to kick off.

* * *

 

There was chaos down on the observation deck, everyone excitedly waiting for the couple to arrive and some of the crew had already spent most of the morning in Swerve's. Even though Drift had barely been out of Ratchet's sight, he was also just a little worse for wear, and as he pushed his way through the crowd to where his conjunx was sat lounging all over Rodimus, he caught Thunderclash's optics. The colourful mech gave him a worried look then bent down to fuss where Bonnie was laying on his feet.

"Drift," Ratchet caught his shoulder, "find a chair instead of Rodimus." 

"Am fine, ssssh!" 

Dramatically, Drift held his finger up to his lips, his optics wide and bright. He was trying not to giggle and Rodimus kept his hands wrapped around his amica's waist. He nodded at the spare seat beside him for the medic to sit.

"It's fine Ratch, at least I know where he is." 

As Ratchet went to retort, a piercing whistle caught the attention of everyone and a hush descended over the whole deck. Perched on Perceptor's shoulders, Brainstorm waved madly to make sure everyone knew he was about to speak. The red scientist didn't look quite as disgruntled at being used as a perch as be had before, instead holding onto Brainstorm's hips with a barely there smile.

"Hi! Yep! Over here! I need you all to just zip it for like five whole kliks then you can go back to getting wrecked. Cool? Okay! Let's do it!" 

He clambered down from Perceptor's shoulders and the crowd standing at the back behind all the seats began to part as Chromedome and Rewind walked between everyone hand in hand. It was as if no one else existed for them as they looked at each other, _love_ radiating from their fields so heavily that the whole room could feel it. 

They made their way onto a makeshift stage where Brainstorm was waiting for them, his optics sparkling. From just behind him Perceptor whispered for him to get a grip and he nodded, wiping under his optics. 

The couple stood in front of Brainstorm, hands held and facing each other. 

"Chromedome and Rewind have asked you all here today to bare witness to their beautiful union," Brainstorm's vocals wobbled, " _sorry._ The Lost Light is where their love story unfurled, and even though there's been some twists along the way, here's to their happily ever after." 

Rodimus tightened his grip on Drift, but he was too busy trying to tickle Ratchet. The medic was batting him away with a frown and a stern look that said _behave_ but that only spurred him on more. 

"Chromedome, your vows?" 

The named mech shifted on the spot, exventing sharply before he spoke. 

"I'm not good at this sort of thing, so I'll keep it short and sweet, like you Rewind. I love you, and I will forever, even in the afterlife." 

Brainstorm covered his face mask and let out a loud sob, before flapping his hands. When he was recovered he gestured at Rewind. 

"And you, Rewind?" 

The minibot didn't waver. He kept his gaze on Chromedome and cleared his intake so he could speak loudly and clearly. 

"Chromedome. Maybe in the beginning I was unsure, because of, well, _our circumstances_ , but your dedication and devotion has shown me that we were meant to be, and nothing can stop us, not even death. You and me are forever, and I make that vow in front of all of our friends in the place where it all started. I love you." 

Brainstorm had his hand placed on his chest, above his spark and exvented shakily as he muttered to himself. 

" _Come on Stormy, keep it together_ … These two mechs have become conjunx endurae and have now made these vows, so by the power vested in me, by _me,_  I declare these two married! That's how it goes right?!" 

Chromedome laughed and nodded, looking behind at where Perceptor was waiting for his cue. Slightly nervous, he stepped forward and held out two engraved circles of metal that didn't quite meet. Chromedome and Rewind each took one, and slipped them on each others wrists before lacing their hands together again.

Brainstorm put his hands in the air and started to clap. 

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" 

Near enough everyone joined in with the clapping and cheering, until both mechs were made to remove their mouth plates and kiss, much to everyone's delight. 

Drift nearly left Rodimus' lap with how loud and animatedly he was cheering, but there was no way the flame coloured mech was going to let him go, not until he twisted on Rodimus' lap and kissed him fully on the lips.

"Drift! Not me, Ratchet!" 

"Oh yeah!"

Drift giggled and slid from Rodimus' lap, throwing himself at Ratchet and trying to kiss him. He caught him by the shoulder, frowning heavily. 

"No more engex for you, if you can mistake Rodimus for me, you must be overcharged." 

"Silly Ratty! I just love you all!" With a cute pout he turned to Thunderclash, "'cept the conjunx stealer!" 

Blinking in shock, Thunderclash turned away and got up from his seat. Bonnie was affronted by being shifted and gave Rodimus no choice by crawling into his lap, resting her helm on his shoulder.

"I wish to congratulate Chromedome and Rewind, if you would excuse me."

"Thunders! Bons, get off!" 

But the dog was even more stubborn than both of her owners together and wouldn't move, licking Rodimus' face. Thunderclash had disappeared into the crowd and Ratchet sighed as he tried to pin the troublesome mech down.

"Drift, I'm serious, _no more._ "

"Spoil sport!" Drift stuck his glossa out, "Roddy will drink with me, won't you?" 

"No I won't, _remember_?" 

Drift blinked blankly. He finally had stopped throwing himself at Ratchet and was now instead feeling grumpy. Why did no one else want to have a good time? Why did no one else want to forget about all the stress they were going through?

"Fine! I'll find someone who wants to drink!" 

"Drift-" 

But as Ratchet went to catch his wrist, Drift set off through the crowd disappearing quickly like he was good at. Ratchet sighed heavily, easily lifting Bonnie off Rodimus and crouching down to put her down. 

"Go with Drift, please Bonnie." 

The dog nudged her cold nose against his cheek then set off through the crowd, finding it much easier to weave between bots than he could. Rodimus stood up and brushed himself down, lifting an optic ridge at Ratchet. 

"He's a jerk when he's drunk." 

"Yep." 

"What you gonna do?" 

"Find him and tie him to the berth, in a non fun way." 

"Sometimes you guys overshare. FYI. I better go find Thunders and see if he's alright, you okay dealing with Drift?" 

Rodimus thumbed in the direction that his conjunx had gone off to, and Ratchet nodded. His face was twisted into a deep frown, worry and annoyance fighting for dominance. Rodimus patted his shoulder then went off to find Thunderclash, hoping he wasn't feeling too hurt. 

Ratchet squeezed his way through the crowds towards the door, thinking that Drift would probably head towards Swerve's for the dancing and the drinks.

Chromedome and Rewind's vows had been hard to bare only because Ratchet knew that if he and Drift made any, they wouldn't be full of _forever_ and _happy ever after_. They'd be _as long as I could_ and _until death do us part._  

He felt angry and cheated for once. It wasn't very often that he felt like that about his diagnosis but the reality was starting to set in hard. He rubbed absently at his chest and sighed. 

"Ratch! Ratch!" 

He was being beckoned by Jostle and Mach who had taken their place by the door as the biggest mechs on the ship. They had their arms around each other and Mach still had a few tears glistening on his cheeks. He raised a hand in greeting and squeezed past a group gathered to get to them. 

"Tha' was beautiful! Jus' beautiful! Those wee'uns really are meant tae be, it's plain tae see!" Jostle sniffed. 

"You mean like you two?" Ratchet smirked. 

"Oh aye, I finally put it taegether!" Mach leaned over to kiss Jostle's cheek, "ye an' Drift made me realise how nice it'd be tae hae someone an', well, I took th' plunge, eh?" 

"I'm glad." Ratchet smiled, "I don't suppose you saw Drift going this way?" 

"Nae, only saw ye wee Bonnie thing slippin' out."

"Is he a'right?" 

Both Gigantons wore worry clear on their faces, Jostle reaching out to take Ratchet's shoulder. The medic sighed and gave a non committal shrug, he wasn't sure himself.

"I'd be lying if I said yes. Do me a favour? You see him, don't buy him a drink, he's had plenty." 

"Oh aye, on my honour." 

Jostle drew his hand back to place it on his chest, the worry giving way to a more serious look. He knew himself how too much engex could end, having admitted to both Ratchet and Drift that he'd had a drinking problem. 

With a nod, Ratchet left them to it, hoping he hadn't worried them too much.

* * *

 

Rodimus found Thunderclash eventually seated at the bar, listening half heartedly to Swerve as the bartender went on about the importance of umbrellas in cocktails. With a soft sigh at the sight of his conjunx looking forlorn, Rodimus mustered up something he hoped would make Thunderclash would smile. He slipped into the gap beside him, placing a hand on his shoulder.  

"Hey handsome, can I buy you a drink? Doesn't look like you have company." 

Swerve tilted his helm, "um, but you're his conjunx?"

"How do _you_ know that?" Rodimus waved a hand, "nevermind, _you_ know everything. Go grab us a drink, yeah?" 

The bartender grinned and clicked at Rodimus, going off to find something that wasn't highgrade. 

With a sigh, Thunderclash kept his gaze on the empty cube in front of him. 

"It wasn't my intention." 

"Thunders, I know, Drift is just a drunken aft right now." 

"That's… that's not what I meant."

Confused, Rodimus tilted his helm. Thunderclash had pulled his field in tightly and other than the sad look on his face, Rodimus had no idea what he could mean. 

"So… what?" 

"To be…" he wiggled a hand in the air, "this." 

"...I'm not following?" 

"Please Rodimus, you know exactly what others think of me. I walk in a room and someone wants _something_ , a story or an autograph, and I've been onboard the Lost Light for some time, it's just… tedious." 

"So… Drift didn't upset you?" 

"Well, yes, he did, because Ratchet is my _friend_ , nothing more but… I guess what hurt is that that's the first time someone has taken a disliking to me and it just so happens to be your amica. He's the last person I wanted to not be on my side."

With a soft sigh, Rodimus wriggled himself onto Thunderclash's lap and looped his arms around his neck, tilting his helm to meet his gaze. 

"Thunders. I like you, I _love_ you. You don't need Drift's approval of that, okay? Like I said, he's acting like a jerk right now and maybe… maybe one day he'll be less… angry, and upset. I honestly wouldn't take it personally, as much as I know you will. You're perfectly imperfect to me, alright?" 

Finally, Thunderclash did smile. He cupped Rodimus' cheek and his field finally flared, with _love_ and _affection_ and _gratitude,_  as he kissed his conjunx softly. He leaned their forehelms together after he pulled away so he could meet those wonderful blue optics. 

"Thank you, Rodimus, you always know how to make me feel good." 

"In more than one way, huh?" Rodimus winked, "anyway, I want to do some dancing, with my big hunk who can't dance, how about that?" 

Swerve brought their drinks back, Rodimus' decorated with as many umbrellas as Swerve could fit and the flame coloured mech raised an optic ridge. The bartender mistook the expression and pointed at Thunderclash. 

"See, told ya! _Super_ important!" 

Thunderclash huffed a small laugh and nodded as he picked up his own drink, having already told Swerve he wasn't going to be drinking engex to help Rodimus stick to his own abstinence. 

"Uh, thanks Swerve, can always count on you to be, uh, _you."_  

As they sat at the bar to enjoy their drinks before they hit the dancefloor, the music suddenly quietened and Brainstorm's voice came over the speakers. 

"If you'd all move your afts off the dance floor so the happy couple can have their first dance please!" 

There was a ripple of murmurs across the room as the dance floor cleared. Rodimus scrambled up onto the bar to sit so he could watch, eager to see if his dance lessons had paid off whilst Thunderclash twisted on his chair to see. 

The couple moved energetically in time with their music and Thunderclash could hear Rodimus singing behind him. 

" _Don't need no credit card to ride this train!_ " 

With a smile, he turned back to watch the other mech, captivated by his big grin as he wiggled to the music. Whilst everyone else was lost in watching Chromedome and Rewind, Thunderclash only had optics for Rodimus. 

The applause brought him back around from his thoughts and he joined in, laughing when Rodimus whistled heartily. The flame coloured mech hopped down back onto his conjunx's lap and flashed a big smile at him. 

"Giving you thoughts, huh?" 

But with a small laugh, Thunderclash shook his helm to Rodimus' surprise. 

"I am perfect happy as we are… as long as you are." 

Shrugging, Rodimus wriggled a little on Thunderclash's lap.

"I'm more than happy, and you know, the less limelight on me the better these days." 

With a small smile, Thunderclash kissed Rodimus again, happy to have such a wonderful mech by his side.

* * *

 

The rest of the ship was quiet, everyone too busy celebrating Chromedome and Rewind's wedding to be anywhere else, except for a couple of mechs. 

Ratchet found Drift staring at the so called death clock in the dimmed light of the medbay. With everyone off duty, they'd turned down the lights and locked the door, but that was no trouble for a mech who had access to two override codes. Ratchet sighed as he hung back by the doorway, watching the white mech.

"Remember the first disagreement we had over this? Did you know then?" 

"...I had a feeling." 

"Of course. You just couldn't be upfront could you? I've bared my all, but you can't." 

Drift snarled his words, his anger back with a vengeance. 

"That's not fair, we barely-"

"Don't." It was a warning. "Just don't. I know as well as you that from the beginning, as soon as we both stepped on the Lost Light, even before that, there was something between us. Why did you come?" 

"To find the next CMO." 

"And to die away from home?"

Ratchet didn't reply to that, because he wasn't sure if he could tell the truth. He took a few steps into the medbay even though he could feel the _hurt_ and _rage_ in Drift's field. After a few moments of silence, he snapped over at the medic again without raising his gaze. 

"When did you last use it?" 

"When I told you I had, a few months ago." 

"You swear?"

"On my oath." 

"Then let's get rid of it." 

Slowly, Drift drew a sword and it glinted in the dim light. With a hitched vent, Ratchet held a hand out to try and placate him. 

"Drift-" 

"Or maybe you should show me."

"Show you?" 

"How long." 

"You're drunk, let's just-" 

As Ratchet went to move forward still reaching out, Drift twisted around, his optics clear and blazing with rage. Even the hardened medic shrunk back under it. He wasn't drunk any more, he was stone cold sober and furious.

"Show. Me."

Backed into a corner, Ratchet had no choice. With another sigh, he put his hand under the beam. The clock lit up. Drift sheathed his sword and skulked away without another word, leaving Ratchet to frown deeply. 

The last time he'd used it, it had said he barely had a year, so why now had it suddenly given him longer to live? 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know what we all need? A little sunshine and um, oh, I want to say happiness but...
> 
> _The world we knew,  
>  Won't come back,  
> The time we've lost,  
> Can't get it back,  
> The life we had,  
> Won't be ours again. _  
> \- Three Days Grace, Never Too Late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being so super patient! I really hope this chapter is okay because there's not a lot that goes on, just a lot of talking. 
> 
> For those of you who didn't read my previous fic, this next location they visit is my own creation. It's a sunny, sandy little planet with little creatures known as Preemas. Basically imagine chinchillas with two tails and small eyes and you're pretty much there 😁 
> 
> Also, I'd just like to say that writing some of this was very tough. The thing to remember here is that on one hand Drift so desperately wants someone to come along and say "I understand" but no one does understand what he's going through and on the other hand he doesn't want anyone at all to understand what he's going through, because it's the most awful, terrible thing and he wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I guess that's the thing with grief, at least from my perspective, it's lonely and horrible and you just wish someone could ease the burden but no one can. I know it's taken Drift a long time to get his head around this and he's been a dick along the way, but everyone takes it very differently. Ratchet tries his hardest to keep on keeping on but when he's alone, it hits him like a tonne of bricks, which you will see in the next chapter at least a little. 
> 
> Anyway, I think I'm just saying be careful reading this chapter, because it's very emotional and like I said it was hard for me to write, but as usual there are some sweet moments to break up the sadness.

Rodimus was looking forward to being somewhere warm and he wasn't disappointed when he stepped down onto the sand in Vu, on the planet Preema. Bssh, an old Preema friend of Drift and Ratchet's, was there to meet them, combing through her two busy tails as she waited, and when she saw the medic come towards her she scurried forward, holding a hand out for him. 

"Ratch-it! It's good to see you. This is… Roddy-mus right?" 

"Close enough." Rodimus grinned, gesturing behind him at Thunderclash, "lemme guess, you know who this is." 

Bssh tilted her head and blinked up with her small, dark eyes. 

"Nope, nice to meet ya anyway!" 

She held out her tiny hand and Thunderclash bent right over to let her wrap a finger around his digit and shake. 

"I'll have to say, I've never met any Preemas, it's good to know our translators can keep up." 

"Ah, no, that's me, you know? I can talk Cybertronian, although not so great, heh, sorry if I mess up. Nah, we kinda keep to ourselves, you know? Preemish ain't on any translators as far as m'aware. So, what's your name?"

"Thunderclash."

Bssh tilted her helm one way then the other, trying to sound the words out in her head. 

"Thu… thndr… clsh. Sorry, your names are hard for us to-... Is he okay?" 

She gestured at where Rodimus was on his knees laughing once again, helpless with the fact that someone didn't know the greatest name in their history. Thunderclash shook his helm with a small smile. 

"Don't mind Rodimus, he finds it hard to believe I'm not a big deal everywhere." 

"Big deal? Oh! That I can say, that's your name! Come with me, I got things for you to see! People to meet! Well not people, you know? But just…" 

Thunderclash made off after Bssh with some others including Rodimus but as Ratchet went to move, he felt something brush his leg. He looked down and Hmpm, the Preema healer, stared up at him, waving her two tails in the air. 

He smiled and crouched down offering his hand to her. She nudged her fluffy head against it and chirped in greeting. 

"Hello Hmpm, it's nice to see you again." 

She whispered, "hello Ratch-it." 

"Ah, Bssh has been teaching you. Good job." 

With a nod, she looked at his hand, her own small ones turning it this way and that. She looked at him sadly, head tilted. 

"It got worse." 

Ratchet sighed and nodded, "you knew huh? From when I first came here?" 

She nodded, sitting back on her legs and letting go of his hand to gesticulate.

"It is what we call um," she chattered something in her own language, "I'm not sure how to say it..." 

"Old age. My colleague coined it age related burnout, it'll be my spark that gives out eventually." 

"Spark?" 

Ratchet banged a fist against his chest, where below his flickery spark lay. Hmpm twitched her two tails and then gestured for him to pick her up. He did as he was asked and she leant her small head onto his chest, her tiny pointed ears flickering in her long fur. After a few moments, she suddenly she leapt down, using Ratchet's frame to get there. She ran off without another glance back and the medic blinked. 

"Scared her off with your usual manners hm?" 

"Or maybe she saw your pissed off expression. You gonna wear that forever?" 

Drift came into view and helped heave Ratchet up, his optics slightly narrowed and his mouth a thin line. 

"As long as life keeps pissing me off then yeah, I am." 

With a roll of his optics at his dramatics, Ratchet went to walk off but Drift caught him by his elbow, knowing he needed to try and fix things again.

"Ratchet-" 

"What now? Not stomped on me enough huh?" His optics flashed with anger, "You're not doing this here, Drift, you're not spoiling the few happy memories I have left." 

And for a change it was Ratchet wrenching his arm back and storming away, leaving Drift reeling. He watched his love leave and only moved when he felt a cold nose nudge against his knee. 

"Yeah, I know. I'm bad at this." He glanced down at the dog, "it's like a vicious circle, we're fine, I start an argument and then Ratchet is angry. I don't know how to break it Bonnie." 

The dog flopped down beside him and gave out a soft whine as if she was saying _me either_. Drift sighed thinking for a moment then whistled, the dog lifting her head a little at the noise. 

"Let's go find some shade, you must be hot." 

It didn't take long for them to find somewhere to flop under one of the tall buildings in which the Preemas lived in and Bonnie did so with a soft sigh. Drift sat down beside her, grateful for the shade that the buildings on stilts provided and pulled his knees up to his chest as he traced a digit through the cool sand, making an intricate swirling pattern. He was there for a little while until someone came to interrupt.

"Hot huh?" 

Bssh carefully scurried over so as to not ruin Drift's artwork in the sand. He shrugged in reply to the Preema but she wasn't put off.

"So, heard you and Ratch-it are having a commitment ceremony, pretty nice, me and Hmpm had ours not that long ago, just after you guys left in fact. It's not fancy by any means y'know, just, an _I swear to protect you with my life and love you with all my soul_ kinda deal. That what you guys do?" 

Drift furrowed his brow a little then lifted his optics from the ground. 

"Oh, I didn't know you and Hmpm were together?" 

"Yeah, took on her kits and everything, she… huh, this is kinda hard for her to talk about but… she lost her previous mate, when she was heavy with her babies." 

That hit Drift hard. He had to put a hand up as if to steady his spark where it was spinning wildly in his chest. He knew that others had felt the pain he was feeling, Chromedome had spoken to the white mech about it himself, but when he thought of happy, caring Hmpm, it didn't add up that she knew of that agony too.

"...she… and she carried on?" 

"Mmhm, she had to, y'know? I mean, when I got back after you helped me, I found her just… umm, moping? Yeah, that's the word. She wouldn't eat or sleep and well, yeah, y'know I guess the rest is simple enough." Bssh started to run her hands through her tails as was habit for her, but more slowly than usual, "I fell in love with her. Oh, love, that's pretty universal right? Doesn't need explaining?" 

"Yeah, that's universal… so, how does she cope? Not having her previous mate around?" 

"She misses him, of course she does, I mean, I hear her talking to him and every morning she will go out and attend shrine. I'm not cut out for that though, y'know?" 

Drift considered for a moment how lapse he had been in his Spiritualism. It had helped him out of a dark place before but now he'd turned his back, too angry and too focussed on his pain. He knew if Wing was there what he'd say. 

_You're angry because there's no answers. You want a reason, you want an explanation but there is none. You have to find that yourself._

But finding reason was hard and difficult, anger was much easier to pick up and wield instead, even if it ended up hurting. 

Watching Bssh's anxious brushing was kind of soothing in its own way, the ends of her two long tails twitching. He watched her for a moment before speaking again. 

"Did she know? Or was it sudden?" 

"He was just gone one morning," Bssh managed a small shrug, "that was it." 

Slumping his shoulders, Drift thought about the others who had lost their lives pretty suddenly. The other Rewind, Skids, Gasket, Wing. There was no preparation, there was no anticipation of the end, there was no time for amends or sorries. Drift wondered if it was easier that way, less painful but he considered that maybe it was just more painful all at once rather than drawn out. 

"...I am sorry about Ratch-it, truly. If there's anything I can do, you name it." 

"Thank you Bssh, but… you've done plenty… except… maybe you could point me in the direction of your shrine."

"Oh, it's the other end of town. Probably better you wait till the chill comes. Prettier then too." 

Drift nodded in reply and managed a small smile over at his friend. She dropped her tails and came a little closer so she could lower her head to headbutt his leg affectionately. 

She rose quickly as she heard chirping behind her and she returned it as two kits came barreling up onto her shoulders. She reached up to try and pat them but they were wriggling and trying to play fight with each other over her head.

Drift smiled as he remembered Ratchet playing with them. He would have been a good creator if they'd ever had the chance. 

Bssh chirped and made hushed sounds at the two baby Preemas before they stilled and turned their attention to Drift. Swiftly they jumped down, one landing a little awkwardly before scurrying up to Drift's shoulder to headbutt his face over and over much to his delight. 

"They're amazing," he laughed softly, "and it's good that you took them on."

"Of course I would, they're my responsibility now most of the time. Hmpm works hard as a healer." 

"Yeah, I know that too well. Make sure you look after her, okay?"

"I try." Bssh managed a fangy smile, "sometimes she makes it hard."

"Yeah… I know that too." 

Eventually the kits grew sleepy against Drift's warm frame and they tried to jump on his knees to get closer to his engine. He cradled his arms for them instead and lowered his knees so they could snuggle comfortably against him, their tails wrapped around themselves. Bonnie yawned and moved her helm onto Drift's knee, offlining her optics. She was glad that for once Drift's field was lingering with _happy_.

"Heh. Good job. You okay with 'em?" 

Tenderly, Drift smiled down on them, "they're fine." 

Bssh gave out a yawn and curled up on the sand too, but she still had her eyes open to watch over her kits, knowing they were in capable hands but also plenty of trouble when they wanted to be. 

Rodimus eventually found Drift dozing lightly with Bssh's babies curled up close to him. With a smile, he crouched down to watch for a moment, his thoughts mirroring Drift's own from earlier.

"He would have made a good creator." 

"You never know what life has in store, right?" 

"Yeah, I guess." 

Rodimus sighed sadly and shook his helm, trying to shake away the bad thoughts. Instead he plastered on a big grin and turned to Bssh.

"Don't suppose you could build me a holiday home here? It's _so_ warm, just the way I like." 

"Heh, you and Big Deal are welcome any time." 

"'Preciate it." Rodimus clicked his fingers, "and it's fine that we can stay a few days?" 

"Of course, any kin of Drfft is a kin of ours." 

The Preema stretched out and sat herself up, her ears twitching backwards as she heard something behind her. Hmpm had started forward, glancing between Rodimus and her mate as though she was worried she was interrupting but with a chirp from her partner, she hopped forward. 

"Have you seen Ratch-it?' 

Rodimus furrowed his brow whilst Bssh started to gather her tails up into her hands once again, hushing back in her own language before looking up expectantly at the other Cybertronian. 

"I haven't seen him since we landed, maybe he went off with 'Clash, I'll call him." 

Whilst Rodimus retreated away a little to see if he could find Ratchet via Thunderclash, Drift started to stir, his face set into a frown as he mumbled sleepily. 

"N-no, can't… no, not without you…" 

The kits against Drift's chest suddenly sat and jumped down, even though before that they'd just been fast asleep, and scurried over to Hmpm, their light coloured fur all bristled. All of the Preemas twitched uncomfortably and Hmpm hurried their babies a little way away, Bssh staying where she was. 

Drift threw his arm out and woke Bonnie who sat up with a yelp and that in turn fully woke the white mech, his optics onlining brightly and his chest heaving. 

"Hey, s'okay Drift, s'okay." Bssh still twitched uncomfortably, "y-you're with friends." 

Rodimus' attention was back on his amica and he came to kneel beside him wondering what exactly was making Bssh so twitchy when he felt it. _Fear_ and _anxiety_ radiating heavily from Drift. 

"Hey, buddy, c'mon, cut that out, you're scaring the life out of Bssh." 

"H-huh?" 

With a shaky exvent, Drift turned his unfocused gaze towards the organic creature and then abruptly pulled in his field. Bssh flopped her tails and gave one last shudder before she was recovered enough to talk again. 

"B-bad dream?" 

"Oh Bssh, I'm sorry I just…" 

"Heh, it's okay. Felt fuzzy. Knew you guys had something like that but it's just weird for us, y'know?"

Drift looked over at where Hmpm was huddled with her kits, hushing them softly but one was laying over her shoulder, peering at Drift with small beady eyes. He sighed sadly and Rodimus rubbed at his chest to try and soothe him, muttering softly in Nyonian to him. The kit suddenly wriggled down and headed over to Drift, pushing his head into his knee hard whilst chittering madly. 

"Tft says it's okay to be sad." 

"...that's pretty emotionally intelligent for a young thing." 

"Thing is here, us Preemas belief those who are hurting don't space, they need to be huddled with love and affection." 

Slowly, Drift nodded when Rodimus spoke again. 

"Thunders, sorry, _Big Deal_ hasn't seen Ratch."

"He's missing?" Drift's spark stuttered, "he stormed away from me I thought… thought…" 

"Hey, it's okay, he's probably found somewhere to relax." 

But Drift was worried and he scrabbled up to his feet, scooping up Tft as he did so as not to squash him.  

"It's too hot for him to be out for too long, especially with…" 

Rodimus nodded in understanding and tried to patch a call through to Ratchet with no reply, apparently Drift having thought the same thing. 

"He's not answering." 

Their faithful dog was sat at Drift's side, tilting her helm as if asking what it was that she could do to help. Drift shook his helm at her. 

"It's too hot for you too, Bonnie, you need to stay here." 

With a whimper, the dog lay, pawing at her face and Rodimus patted her reassuringly.

"Listen, I'll go have a look, it doesn't affect me so much." 

"It's fine Roddy, he's my conjunx and-" 

"And he doesn't want you overheating. Ratch is smart, he knows not to stay out in that blistering heat but just in case, I'll go have a look around." 

Drift bit his glossa. The only thing he could think of, fixate on, was what if Ratchet had suddenly dropped again and that wouldn't do him any good at all. Rodimus placed his hands on his shoulders and offered a small smile. 

" _Drift._ " 

"Alright. Fine." 

"I'll come with ya." Bssh offered, "was getting chilly under there anyway." 

Letting the Preema scurry up onto his shoulder, Rodimus gave Drift another look then set off to look for the medic. 

Sinking back to his knees, Drift sighed but wasn't surprised when Hmpm was at his side, offering a gentle headbutt. He smiled at her and set Tft back down onto the ground. He chittered noisily at Hmpm along with the other little kit and pointing at Drift's companion. He tilted his helm at them then understood.

"Oh, they want to play with Bonnie?" Drift whistled low and gestured at the babies, "play nicely, Bonnie, _nicely_." 

The dog was more than happy to play with the youngsters and she bounded off, flicking up sand for them and they followed with excited squeaks. 

Hmpm climbed up onto Drift's knee where he was sat cross legged watching where Rodimus had disappeared off into the haze. He sighed and flicked his gaze at her briefly. 

"It's just hard. Worrying about him constantly." 

She nodded then added quietly, "worry does not help." 

"I know, I know… I can't help it…" 

"...if I had one more day with Zkk, I wouldn't worry." 

Turning his gaze down to her once again, Drift saw that the Preema had huddled herself up into a ball, tails tucked around her tightly and watching her kits play with Bonnie. Her expression was unreadable but her body language said it all. 

"...that was the name of your mate wasn't it?" 

Hmpm nodded once. 

"I'm sorry, it's… awful."

"It is okay. He is still with us even if not where we wish he was." 

Drift had to blink away some tears. That's how he felt about Wing and Gasket too.

"I had an old friend, he… he helped me when I in a really bad place… he said it's okay to miss those who are gone, he said… it's okay to remember them. But I don't want to _remember_ , I… I miss Gasket and Wing and I'll miss Ratchet too."

Hmpm nodded and made a soft squeaking noise before she spoke again. 

"It gets less painful. If that is any help. And there is always something else worth existing for, even if it is not the reason you wanted." 

With a soft sob, Drift nodded. He did miss Wing but he knew that if the mech was there then in front of him, he'd nudge him with his foot, tell him to get up and fight like he was supposed to be good at.

A little time passed and Drift became increasingly worried, the anxiety clutching at him until he couldn't sit still any more. Hmpm jumped down as he shifted and he nodded at the dog. 

"Can you keep Bonnie here? I'm going to go look." 

Hesitantly, Hmpm nodded. 

"It's very hot, you need to be careful." 

But before Drift could set off out, he heard a small commotion and the only thing he caught sight of was Ratchet speeding past in his altmode, lights flashing and First Aid jogging up behind. 

"What's going on?" 

"It's Rodimus." 

With optics wide, Drift set off after his conjunx, knowing that it was his own fault that he'd put his amica in danger.

* * *

 

_Wing let himself back into his home, carefully listening out but he didn't need to rely on his hearing to realise that someoune was already there and waiting. With a sigh he flicked the lights on dimly and walked past the white figure sat on his meditation mat to hang up his great sword on its rack._

_"Maybe one day you'll be stealthy. Maybe."_

_"I'm not trying to be stealthy, I was trying to think."_

_"Oh? That doesn't sound like you."_

_Wing came to seat himself beside Drift, their knees brushing from where they both had their legs crossed, and he murmured a small prayer at the shrine they were sat in front of. The speedster moved his gaze over and huffed a little._

_"I kind of wanted some space."_

_"Ah."_

_But Wing didn't move, instead he offlined his optics and straightened his back, exventing softly. Irritated, Drift shuffled over and huffed again._

_"It can be frustrating to not get what we want."_

_"Is everything philosophical with you?!"_

_"Is everything fight with you?"_

_Finally Drift pulled himself up to stand, the anger finally getting the better of him and he leaned over to shout at where Wing hadn't moved._

_"You have no idea what it's been like! What I've been through!"_

_"Of course I don't, I'm not you, and you haven't spoken about everything but like I said before, you don't need to tell me, I can see your grief."_

_"Oh for-... See? How?!"_

_Wing finally lifted his helm and an optic ridge at Drift._

_"Your aura."_

_"My_ what _?"_

_"If you train yourself, you can learn to read the colours of someone's EM field and-"_

_"Oh forget this!"_

_Drift turned to stomp away and collapse onto the berth, knowing when it was time for Wing to recharge he would shuffle out of it without a word and come back to sit and think. He hated thinking. He wanted to run._

_"It's hard to be laid bare Drift, but I can't help that that's what you do to yourself."_

_"If you know me so well then tell me, tell me all about me."_

_Wing sighed and shook his helm even though he didn't want to do this._

_"You're a lost soul. You cling onto whatever you can to get you through, the next thing that doesn't make you want to run and when whatever you're clinging to is gone, you run and you hide those feelings down and pretend to be something you're not. You carry a_ shipload _of guilt and grief plastered across your face and I might not understand exactly why but I can see that you don't need to."_

_"Don't need to?! I have so many lives on my conscience, so many deaths by my hands and I don't get to feel guilty?! You must be glitched!"_

_"What is it achieving?" For once Wing rose his vocals back, "where exactly is it getting you except self pity and rage? What is it like holding onto those things? Painful? Anger is not_ strength _, secrets aren't_ protecting _you."_

 _"Fine! Then I'll spill them! I was a syk addict who overdosed and was taken… given a second chance and you know what I did with it? I killed. I killed like it was nothing, like those mecha meant nothing and now I am weighed down by each and every snuffed spark like they all weigh a ton. I'm_ tired _, you're right, I want to run and I don't know where to run to, who to run to and I have nothing. Everyone… everyone I care for, they all go, they all end up… gone."_

_"That's not true, is it?"_

_Drift snapped up his helm and laughed in disbelief._

_"I said I'd spill my secrets!"_

_"But not all." Wing shook his helm, banging a hand against his chest, "your spark doesn't lie, your aura doesn't… there's something, someone, that's keeping you holding on. I don't need to tell you that your aura is pink every time you think of them, do I?"_

_The white mech turned again. He hated this, he hated someone seeing right through him._

_"...what does it matter?"_

_"Because if you're going to run, at least run in their direction. I've told you that your anger will get you nowhere yet you still wield it, at least if you're going to, make it count."_

_With a snarl, Drift turned away. He couldn't say any more, he didn't want Wing to be right, about anything, so if he shut him out, shut him down, he could hold onto his closely guarded secret._

_He collapsed down onto the berth, back on the other mech and shuttered his optics but that memory wouldn't leave him alone. A kind face and even kinder words, the way he'd felt awful, like he'd been thrown off a building and survived, the red hand on his shoulder as he was told he was special..._

"Now get out there and prove me right." 

_Tears slipped from his offlined optics. He'd let Ratchet down, there was no way he could ever go back and see the despair in his optics of the murderer that he'd become._

_Drift said nothing as Wing lay on the berth behind him, tucked up to his back and wrapped an arm around him._

_"I haven't left yet, have I?"_


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh Rodimus, we can always count on you, right?
> 
>  _Lost and insecure  
>  You found me, you found me  
> Lying on the floor  
> Surrounded, surrounded  
> Why'd you have to wait?  
> Where were you, where were you?  
> Just a little late  
> You found me, you found me._  
> -You Found Me, The Fray

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thank you for your patience and kind comments 💙 I've had some struggles once again the past week and my daughter has been poorly, so I'm pretty sleep deprived and I think it shows 😅 this isn't as fleshed out as I'd like but I'm hoping it's okay, I didn't want to leave you all waiting for a long time for this one, we all deserve some happy! 
> 
> First off a little flashback, and in advance I apologise for my Pharma, he's always a villain to me 😂

_Ratchet flexed his hands. He winced, the jarring knuckle in his little finger not exactly painful, not yet, but it was the implications of what it meant. Nothing ever lasted forever._

_He was lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice the seeker creep up on him, laying a blue hand gently onto the bottom of his back and leaning around to look at his face, his field flickering with_ need _._

_"You've worn that troubled look for a little while now, need a doctor hm?"_

_With a soft sigh, Ratchet dropped his hands where he was bothering them together and moved away from Pharma, shaking his helm. He couldn't do this anymore and he needed to make it clear._

_"...you know I need to go."_

_"Need? Or_ want _?"_

_There was that accusatory tone again, the one he hated, the one that said he was wrong._

_"It's… it's not that, I'm needed, you know that. Two doctors crammed in this little space it's… it's…"_

_"And I never heard you complaining about being pressed against me before, hm?"_

_"Pharma…" Ratchet sighed._

_But the other medic had turned and headed for the door, his wings twitching in agitation._

_"I accept your resignation from this post but that doesn't mean I have to like it."_

_Ratchet turned to watch him leave but Pharma paused in the doorway, turning his helm a little to speak._

_"I suggest you slow down, if you want to bother carrying on with this pitiful existence."_

_"Pitiful? We save lives, we help others-"_

_"And at what cost to ourselves, my dear Ratchet? Perhaps you'll find that out the hard way."_

_"...Nothing ever gets to last forever, you know that."_

_Pharma snorted, "yes apparently so. It's him isn't it? The little ex-Con? You still think about him, I know you do."_

_Ratchet stiffened. He struggled to find something to say in return but he knew whatever he said wouldn't placate so he kept quiet. With a huffed laugh, Pharma turned and leant against the doorway, crossing his arms over his chest and taking in the other medic for a few moments._

_"...you know who he is, what he's done, don't you? Or are you that blinded?"_

_"The only one blinded here Pharma is you, by your ego. You think you're better?"_

_"Of course I do." He rolled his optics, "and apparently better than you too."_

_Ratchet bit his glossa and shook his helm again._

_"...can you at least send me all of the notes you have? So I can do my own research."_

_"There's no_ cure, _it's_ terminal, _at least if the war doesn't get you first."_

_"Just… send me the notes."_

_"Of course,_ dear Ratchet _."_

_With a flash of blue wings, Pharma was gone, leaving Ratchet to bounce around his supposed diagnosis once again._

Age related burnout.

* * *

 

Ratchet was able to cover ground much more quickly in his altmode, his tyres gripping the sand easily and his weight helping him keep stable in the slippery surface. It didn't take long for him to find where there was a group of Preemas huddled around some red legs under one of the stilted buildings, and he transformed carefully, edging through the little crowd. 

Luckily, Rodimus was conscious even if he was panting hard. He grinned sheepishly at the medic who sighed, but deep down he was relieved it wasn't anything worse. 

"Sorry, thought I could handle it…" 

Ratchet crouched, tentatively reaching out to touch Rodimus' chest and quickly pulling his hand away when it was scorching. 

"How long were you out in it to overheat?!"

"Um… well, I just wanted to find you." 

"Find me?" 

"Yeah, Drift was worried you'd dropped down somewhere and you weren't answering your comms." 

Ratchet opened his mouth then closed it quickly, not wanting to tell anyone just yet what he'd been doing. 

"I was in the medbay, I blocked my comms because I just wanted some peace. Guess it's my fault." 

"Nah, s'fine." Rodimus' vents hitched, "I just didn't realise until I was crashing. Good job these guys are stronger than they look." 

Bssh stepped forward worriedly, her anxious tail brushing frantic. 

"Sorry Ratch-it, should have looked after him better." 

"It's fine Bssh, no harm, he just needs some rest and some coolant." 

Ratchet helped Rodimus to sit up against him, hoping his cooler frame would help too, and pulled out some coolant from his subspace. He helped a shaky and weak Rodimus take sips, laughing a little when he dribbled some down his chin. Taking out a clean cloth, Ratchet wiped it away. 

"Like looking after a newspark." 

"You'd do a good job." 

Rodimus grinned and offlined his optics, feeling tired as his frame worked hard to cool him down.

"C'mon, let's get you back to the ship, you need some rest."

"S'fine," Rodimus waved an arm lazily, "I'll nap here…" 

With a shake of his helm and an amused smile, Ratchet scooped Rodimus up easily and carried him back out into the sun. He met Drift's optics from where he'd stopped to watch just a little way away and then moved them down to look at Rodimus. 

"He'll be fine. Overheated, that's all." 

But that wasn't what had stilled Drift. It was the sight of Ratchet in medic mode, helping Rodimus. Maybe it was a strange moment to do it, but he felt a huge rush of love and pride, remembering exactly who he'd fallen in love with in the first place. He nodded mutely and moved to one side to let them through, watching them go. 

Bssh headbutted his knee and chirped in apology, so Drift reached down to pick her up. 

"It's okay, Rodimus is always stubborn." 

"And loyal. Good qualities." 

"Yeah, that's why he's my closest friend." Drift smiled. "I'll give you a lift back to Hmpm and the little ones, then I'm going to go make sure Rodimus rests." 

"Thanks." 

When he'd gathered Bonnie and left Bssh with her family, telling her he'd see her later on when it was cooler, he headed back into the ship, quickly getting to the medbay. 

He found that Ratchet had gotten Rodimus into a berth and the flame coloured mech was dozing lightly, hooked up to an energon and coolant drip. With one last check to make sure he was okay, Ratchet came over to where Drift was hovering outside of the bay, arms folded over his chest and a frown on his face.

"Sending Rodimus to look for me was stupid, it's way too hot out there even for him." 

"...he offered?" 

Ratchet sighed and dropped his gaze, knowing he needed to take at least some of the blame. 

"...I'm sorry I blocked my comms, I needed some thinking space."

"What were you doing?" 

For a moment, the medic debated telling his conjunx, wondering if it would help or not. With one last glance at Rodimus in the bay, he ushered Drift over to his desk where he was far enough away to not disturb his patient. 

He gestured for Drift to take a seat as he leaned against his desk, gripping it with both hands and fixing his gaze across at a wall.

"...I was checking my notes."

"For what?" 

"...when Aid formally admitted me and diagnosed me, he gave me just under a year to live. My knees were weak, as you knew, my fuelling system had a lot to be desired, my spark was flickery, and I had to rest a lot more." 

Drift furrowed his brow, "but… last night…" 

"Yes, the clock had given me more time." 

"...you had less than a _year_? And I was… angry that you had much more than that..." 

"I know twenty years seems like merely a blip to us but… before we had enough time to get married and live the last few months of my life happily, that was it. I didn't think it would help telling you that, you were angry enough." 

That made Drift go quiet. He thought about what Hmpm had said, that if she'd had one more day with her own partner she wouldn't worry about it. One year or twenty, one day or a million, Drift had to take what they had left and make the most of it, as hard as it was longing for more. 

"...Okay." 

"Okay?" 

"Yeah, okay." Drift nodded, "I know it's not curable, Aid said that but… maybe we can give you even longer? With the knee replacement and the additives from Gigantion and less stress, maybe... we can have longer..." 

Ratchet nodded slowly, thinking back to what Pharma had said to him all those years ago about slowing down. He hated to admit it, but he was right. 

"That doesn't mean anything else will work though Drift, you know that right? Maybe if we can replace some of my fuelling system, which we don't exactly have the spare parts for, we might get a little longer but there's still my spark…" 

"...would interfacing help?" 

"Drift!" Ratchet couldn't help but laugh. 

"No no, I mean… spark interfacing? Don't we exchange energy when we do?" 

"A little but probably not enough to sustain my spark for the next few million years." 

"Yeah but… if it'll help a little?" 

The medic's expression softened as he looked at how Drift was gazing up at him. 

"You'd do that… for me?" 

"Of course!" Drift's face flashed with confusion, "why wouldn't I?" 

Ratchet bowed his helm and had to exvent shakily before he spoke but even then his vocals wobbled. 

"I was starting to think… you were pushing me away on purpose. Who would want to look after some failing old frame?" 

Drift was on his feet in a flash, pulling Ratchet into him closely. He buried his face against the white mech's neck and Drift hushed him softly as he brushed a hand over his helm soothingly.

"Ratty, I love you, and I mean that for forever, even after you're gone I'll love you, it'll never stop, _I'll_ never stop." 

Ratchet tried to pull away but Drift wouldn't let him so instead he pressed a kiss to his cheek, sniffing softly as he tried to fight back more tears.

"I love you too." 

Pulling him into a heartfelt kiss, Drift fluttered his field with _love_ and Ratchet returned it, a weight lifting from his shoulders. He wasn't sure how Drift was going to take that conversation but maybe they were finally turning a corner, maybe Drift was finally coming to terms with the awful hand they'd been dealt.

"Can you guys keep it in, mech's trying to sleep over here." 

Rodimus grumbled and rolled onto his side, making Drift pull away to laugh. Ratchet onlined his optics and managed to meet his conjunx's.

"Thank you. For staying." 

"Who else would love me the way you do?" 

"Ratch, unhook me and I'll go recharge somewhere where I'm not gonna offline at the pure _mushiness._ " 

With another laugh, Drift gave Ratchet one last kiss then went over to take a seat at his amica's bedside. He took one of his hands in both of his and Rodimus onlined his optics dimly with a small grin. 

"I found him." 

"At what cost?" Drift nuzzled against his hand, "I'm sorry, I should have gone-" 

"Oh be _shoosh_. I know you can handle me but that heat is something else, whew." He lowered his vocals, "just glad to see you two happier."

Drift looked over his shoulder at where Ratchet was now sat in his chair, studying a datapad a little less seriously than he usually did. 

"He… there's not a cure but we can give him more time." 

Rodimus' optics brightened a little. It was the news they'd all been hoping for. Where there was hope, there was a chance of something better.

"More time? Drift that's _great_ news! How?" 

"Well, the knee replacement Vigor gave him has helped and the Gigantion additives for his energon. He said his fuelling system isn't great and obviously his spark…" 

"So we get a replacement fuelling system right?" 

"I mean, I'm no medic but I don't think it's that easy because they would have done it, you know?" Drift sighed.

"But Drift, Ratch was _forged,_  if he was built once, he can be built again." 

"And when was the last time someone was forged Roddy? I mean, it's not like all those spare parts are knocking around somewhere." 

The captain scrunched up his face in thought, desperately trying to think where they could get new parts for Ratchet and do _something,_  anything to help his spark. He had a moment and wriggled excitedly on the berth.

"Wait… we've kind of been here before right? With Tailgate. Cyclonus did that thing with his sword and boosted his spark, why can't we do that?" 

Drift went still. How could he have been so blind? Of course he could do that! Just as he turned to put this news to Ratchet, it seemed the medic had been listening all along. 

"You could, but… the problem with that is my spark isn't energy efficient now, you could give it an extra boost but it would wipe you out Drift for the sake of, I don't know, twenty years tops." 

"And that's what I'd do for you, Ratty, please, we can do it as many times as it takes." 

"Kid," Ratchet lifted his gaze, a sad smile upon his face, "I'm not killing you just so I can live longer." 

Drift was frustrated but instead of getting angry, he blew out a long exvent and nodded. Anger was no good here, anger didn't help. 

"If we can fix everything else then… then we can do it?" 

"...you fix everything else and I'll _consider_ it." 

Shoving his chair back, Drift stood and smiled. 

"Deal. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some thinking to do and someone else I need to make amends with." 

The white mech pointed up then slipped out of the medbay before either of them could say anything else. Ratchet knew, even if he didn't get it himself, Drift needed his faith more than ever and he was glad to see him practising it again.

As Ratchet considered everything, Rodimus tried to sit himself up with a groan and the medic went over into the bay to ease him back down with a huff. 

"Don't, or I'll weld you to the berth." 

"That's more like the medic I know." He relented, "Heh, I gotta admit seeing you in action again was pretty cool. I'd be careful, he's probably going to pounce on you now." 

"Don't be crude." Ratchet rolled his optics, "and get some rest… but... just one thing?" 

"Hm?"

The flame coloured mech had already offlined his optics again and snuggled up onto his side. It wasn't as good as curling up beside Thunderclash but he was so tired it'd have to make do.

"If… and it's a big _if_ , we can fix everything else, I… don't want him to do the energy transfer." 

"What? Why?" 

"...Drift's frame has been through enough, I'd hate to give him less years." 

"Then I'll do it." Rodimus onlined his optics to grin, "you can get some Matrix enriched energy, you'll outlive fragging Kup." 

"No thanks, if I only have him as company for the last few years of my life, I'll shoot myself." 

But Ratchet was grinning too and Rodimus was glad to see how much better he looked, even from just something as simple as replacing some of his frame. With a contented sigh, Rodimus wriggled again to try and get comfy.

"I mean it. You need someone, I'm there." 

"...thank you Rodimus." 

"Oh, could you let Thunders know where I am too? Don't want him worrying his pretty helm. Cheers." 

With a pat of his friend's shoulder, Ratchet went back to his desk to ponder some more. If they could find a damn fuelling system then maybe, just _maybe_ , there was hope for his spark.

Unbeknownst to him, Ratchet's two colleagues and friends had already been hard at work trying to find a way to fix that.

* * *

 

After he'd finished some meditation down in his habsuite, Drift slipped out into the cooler evening on Vu and made his way down to the shrine Bssh had told him about. She'd been right, it was even more beautiful in the dark. 

As he took in all of the tall columns, painted in the same luminescent colours most of the other buildings were, he heard someone behind him. He turned and smiled. 

"Sorry, I can go if you want, I don't want to disturb you." 

"It's fine." Hmpm whispered back, "I thought I'd find you here, Bssh said you'd asked." 

With a nod, Drift turned back to look up at the towering shrines and tilted his helm at the patterns painted on them. It reminded him of the memorial garden Wing had taken him to.  

"Are these names?"

"Yes." 

"Ah, so your shrine is like a memorial?" 

Hmpm chittered in agreement in her own language then spoke again in Cybertronian, scampering over to lay a hand against the nearest column.

"I do not believe we live forever in our bodies, but we do in our souls. Zkk is waiting for me, somewhere." 

"Yeah," Drift smiled, "I like the sound of that." 

They both took a few moments to enjoy the peace, under the beautiful twinkling stars in front of the names of those who were gone but not forgotten. Hmpm lifted her head and whispered quietly before turning back to Drift, who himself was reciting a prayer in his mind. He took his hand from his chest and tilted his helm questioningly at where she was looking up at him intently. 

"...I came to find you because I think we might have something, to help Ratch-it." 

"Oh?" 

The Preema's ears flickeres and her tails shivered a little. She was excited about something, even he could tell that.

"Yes. We think so." 

Drift followed the little creature back to her healing clinic. He able to rest his arms on the tall platform that the building was constructed on and waited for her to come back out. He was amazed that such small creatures could built something so huge.

Just above the clinic there was another building built directly on top and Bssh peered down over the edge of the platform, chirping softly before scurrying down one of the stilts.

"Drfft, sorry, I had to put the kits down to rest. Not that they want to." She glanced up as she heard soft whispering above and shook her head, "Hmpm found you?" 

"Yeah, she said you might have something to help but I'm not sure what-" 

Drift stopped suddenly, his optics going wide. Hmpm was carefully carrying out something big, with lots of tubes and a big tank, but she was doing her best not to drag it, treating it as though it was something very precious. Bssh watched her then turned her attention back to Drift, for once not bothering her tails in her hands.

"So… this is from you guys right? Smells like ya anyway." 

"That's… a fuelling system." 

Bssh tilted her head one way then another trying to translate this new phrase to herself as Hmpm carefully placed it down in front of Drift, bowing her head and stepping away. She laid a small hand onto her chest and chirped at Bssh who shook her head, then looked expectantly at Drift. 

"So… it's not for your… _sprrk_?" 

"No, no, it's not…" he caught the healer's sad expression, "but we need this too, thank you Hmpm, so much." 

"It is… okay?" 

"Yes!" Drift couldn't help but laugh in disbelief, "it's perfect, where did you find this?" 

Bssh gathered up her tails at the question then ducked her head, looking rather uncomfortable. 

"You know that we're… y'know, _scavengers_ , technology _scavengers_. That big guy… you saved me from, well, you know, I wasn't gonna just… leave 'em there, right? It was kinda _hanging_ out after you sliced 'em." 

Drift thought back to the first time he'd ever met Bssh. The Preema had been scared of out her wits as she'd been shoved in a cage by some huge, metal being. It was just as well that Drift had turned up and brought it down with one foul swoop from his swords. It had taken her a while to calm before she'd stopped screeching and snapping at him long enough for him to open the cage and finally stepping out. 

"This is from when I saved you from that Cybertronian? I mean…" Drift paused, "maybe we don't need to tell Ratchet that _whole_ story but… we can fix his fuelling system, the worn out parts we can replace and the fuel filter… we can use that… you have no idea what this means to us, thank you, thank you both." 

Drift lowered his helm down in the Preema universal gesture of thanks, the two creatures stepping forward to butt their heads against his. 

"You're welcome, Drfft. You saved my life." 

"And now you're helping me save Ratchet's." His optics glittered a little as he looked at Hmpm, "and my own. No more worrying, right?" 

With a happy chirp, Hmpm shivered her whole body in agreement. 

"No worrying." 

Carefully collecting up the parts, Drift bid the Preemas a farewell and headed back to the ship, his spark feeling just a little lighter.


End file.
